Does Your Wife’s Success Make You Crazy? Get Over It!
If a husband or partner is extremely insecure, or a dyed in the wool chauvinist (one in the same?), having a successful wife is most certainly going to rock the boat and probably not the marital bed.
On a recent episode of the TV show Private Practice, Dr. Charlotte King told her boyfriend that she is a big woman (and she didn’t mean physically speaking) with big balls (essentially) and if that shrunk his junk then it was never going to work out between them. Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives gets into a contretemps with her elderly handyman because he won’t take orders from her, only from her husband, Tom, which royally pisses her off.
Aaahh, the battle of the sexes is never-ending.
Even though every couple has its own method when it comes to finances, a lot of us toss our money into the same pot so does it ultimately matter if she contributes more than he or vice versa? Of course, it will matter if one or the other is making an issue over it and holding the lesser wage earner captive, relegating him or her to a subservient role in the marriage because his paycheck has fewer zeros.
The trouble may manifest if there are children and the woman has to put in more hours at work and has a more demanding (and punishing) job than the man, as well as a better paying one. This takes her away from the home front. She can’t be two places at once and knows that. What a woman needs is a wife but most have to settle for husbands.
There are husbands who pick up the slack without blinking an eye, true gallant soldiers and the kind of man you want to marry. They don’t resort to that preposterous macho acting out BS, and then there are … ‘the others.’ Ever notice how some guys push strollers? They push it one-handed, walking off to the side, instead of behind the stroller, as if they are so mortified to be propelling a stroller that their own flesh and blood happens to be in that they have to put space between themselves and the vehicle.
Underlying message: I don’t want to be pushing this damned thing. I look girlie, henpecked, my balls are shrinking exponentially every step that I take, but I have to do this because the wife is at work, and she would disembowel me if I left the baby at home alone while I ran out for toilet paper. So would Children’s Services.
My husband, who is not in this camp, chimes in, “It’s disassociation. They don’t want to look like a wuss.”
He always pushed the stroller with two hands. So does my son, according to his wife.
It’s amusing how some men will say that they are “baby sitting.” How can you baby sit your own kid? You baby sit the neighbor kids, not your own. Women don’t baby sit their own children. In other words, these men are only tending to their children until their wives get home because this childcare nonsense is their job.
I don’t think men realize that the sexiest, kindest, most remarkable thing that they can do for their wives and children, certainly if it is sincere, is to readily take care of the children and not behave as if it’s beneath them or somehow renders them impotent. Children who have strong role models, and that includes a dad, who is willing to go to a Girl Scout meeting, change a diaper, braid long hair and read a bedtime story complete with silly sound effects, are going to become very secure adults and isn’t that the ultimate objective?
Frankly, some women are better at being the wage earner and some men are better at parenting. It’s just getting the right combination of people together.
When I married nearly 30 years ago, I didn’t take my husband’s surname. It was not a monumental decision. I didn’t even have to think twice about it. Most people were perfectly okay with it; however, some, usually women, for some peculiar reason, refused to accept this and persisted on calling me by my husband’s last name. I don’t know if these women somehow felt threatened by my “rogue” decision but my husband certainly wasn’t and that’s all that mattered.
None of my male friends – bosses or colleagues, seemed to give a damn what my last name was. I did hear a few snide comments over the years about me emasculating my husband because of the name thing. He and I laughed about it. It would certainly take a lot more than that to ding his manhood. It meant nothing to him what name I went by and it meant everything to me to go by my name. The biggest gift that one partner can give to the other is freedom to be who she or he is.
Feeling threatened or angry or jealous over a spouse’s or partner’s success is something that the individual is going to have to deal with and, hopefully, get past. I guess it has to do with the fabric of the particular marriage. If the marriage is based on competition and who out earns whom and is therefore the more important person in the marriage, there is probably going to be a problem. If a couple perceives itself as a team, with this partner being the star on occasion and then stepping aside and getting out of the way so that the other partner can move into the limelight, it’s more of a partnership and everyone is happy when they get their trophy.
I know that I feel as though I am letting down the team when my income isn’t good, which probably isn’t something that my own mother worried about. I also know that my husband feels dreadfully bad when his hours and wages have been cut and he thinks he’s no longer succeeding as the provider. It’s a different world out there than it was in the past and women are working because they must or because they want to or because they want to and they must. The one-income family is pretty much a relic of the past.
It would be unfair to make a sweeping generalization but, for argument’s sake, we women must realize that most men have been indoctrinated to believe that they are the providers and if they aren’t, or if they are providing less than their woman, it’s a kick in the balls. We can understand this and have patience with it—rightfully blaming the in-laws for brainwashing their son—but the more important thing is that you work it out. Settle your disputes and don’t worry about the “best man” winning and all of that testosterone-motivated jazz. After all, as a partnership, you are in this together. Root for each other.
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I loved Charolette’s speech. The only thing that would have made it more perfect if it was Lynette saying it to Tom the next time he whines about her emasculating him. I can’t stand the character and the way he pouts until Lynette gives him his way-lest he doesn’t feel like the man (though I have to admit it wasn’t him this episode, it was Roy)