So even Tiger Woods has gotten caught up.  I can’t say that I’m surprised. Every time I look at the news and see that another man has gotten caught cheating, I wonder about the other woman.  Who was she?  What kind of person was she?  What did he tell her?  I don’t know about anyone else’s story but I know mine.  I had a baby by a married man.

I’m not telling this under my real name out of respect for the ex-wife. I’m not going to say his name either, so I’ll just call him “Brian.” It’s funny how the mistress is always painted as some kind of evil, immoral whore.  Oftentimes we’re considered wolves that seek out happy relationships to destroy for our own pleasure.  I’ve talked to some other women in similar situations and I’ve found that many times, we’re not the vixens or gold diggers that we’re painted to be.  Personally, I was in college full time, had my own apartment and working full time when I met my daughter’s father.  I didn’t seek out a married man and I certainly didn’t need any help taking care of myself.  When we met, he told me that he had a girlfriend and I told him that we couldn’t get together.  We discovered that we’d had mutual friends and we exchanged numbers so that I could link back up with them.

Brian and I went out on a date, but as friends.  When we talked about his “girlfriend” he seemed so unhappy.  He told me how he’d tried to break up with her a few times before, but she’d beg and plead with him to stay.  We went to a local park on a day that it was really crowded and there were thousands of people around.  There were even news cameras in the area.  He even kissed me that day in the park.  All I could think was that his relationship with the girlfriend couldn’t really be that serious if he was so willing to be so public with me.

When I found out that he was married, I was livid!  I was hurt.  How could he lie to me?  Unfortunately, by then, I was also in love. Brian admitted to being married (after I questioned him about some evidence I’d found), but he stuck by his story of being miserable with her.  He continued to tell me how much he loved that I was skinnier than his wife, I was sexier than his wife, my sex skills were more on point than his wife; it wasn’t like I sought out those compliments, but it did make me feel beautiful.

I also loved how much he took me out.  He made me feel like the world was mine.  We went out at least once a week.  He took me on dates to the best restaurants and I remember that after a minor spat, we’d made out at a popular sushi bar.  Once again, how much could Brian love his wife if he was willing to be so public with me? He even came over once for a “quickie” lunch break.

I remember how over dinner at a hip pizza spot, I reminded him that since we weren’t using condoms, if I got pregnant, I’d keep the baby.  He agreed with the idea and told me that he felt I’d make a wonderful mother. By then I’d abandoned any concerns over our future.  I was in my late 20’s and I wanted to be with Brian forever, so if I did get pregnant, so what? I guess I should have known he just told me what I wanted to hear.

Whenever I called him, he came running.  I actually started to feel like his wife did not exist. My friends told me that I was playing with fire and in the back of my mind I knew.  It’s just that I’d been so miserable in my past relationship that it felt so good to have a man who loved me.  To give him up would be to contribute to my own misery and I guess at the time I just wasn’t willing to do that.  Also, the sex was fantastic!!!

It was about four months into our relationship.  I’d been having some problems and was feeling strange, so I contacted a girlfriend to ask her opinion.  I’ll never forget how she said to me, “It sounds like you’re pregnant.” My response to her, “I AM NOT!”  I called Brian that day.  He came over and we slept together.  As we lay together I asked him what he’d want to do if I was pregnant.  His response? “Have an abortion.”  He got a pregnancy test and sure enough, I was pregnant. His response? “I’ll take you to the clinic next week.”

For so many women pregnancy is a magical time.  For me, it was long and painful.  Brian told his wife that I was pregnant when I was four months despite us finding out when I was six weeks.  She decided to stay.  They were going to work things out. I spent so much of my pregnancy sharing the father.  So many nights I cried myself to sleep while he sat at home with his wife. I felt so foolish having to tell my parents that I was pregnant by a married man.  She eventually left him after I got upset with him and let her in on the secret that we were still fooling around despite his denial.

Our daughter is now two years old. Brian and I have gone to hell and back.  Late in my pregnancy Brian started dating a woman who constantly sent him home with hickies on his neck.  He didn’t even tell her about me until the day before my labor was induced. And, there were others.

Brian has mellowed out a lot, but it has been an uphill battle.  I’ve learned a lot about relationships and trust from my ordeal.  After the baby was born, it became evident that I’d need financial help so I moved in with him.  I told him that I’d let him fool around, as long as: a) he told other women about me, b) he didn’t bring other women back to our home and c) he used condoms (I wasn’t getting pregnant again or getting exposed to STD’s).

How surprised was I when a woman started calling my phone, claiming to be pregnant by Brian?  He was out of town on business at the time.  I’m thankful for that because if he’d been home, I’m sure I would have hit him.  But, when she called, I was hurt.  I was nauseous.  I cried. All I remembered was thinking that karma was truly a bitch.  Thankfully, she wasn’t pregnant, but I know exactly how Brian operates.  I’m sure he told her the same things he told me, “You’re prettier, you’re smarter, I want to leave her…”

He told me that she was infertile due to a botched abortion in her past.  I really pitied her when he told me that.  Despite it all, my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me and I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy.  I know in my heart that she saw how much Brian had done for me and she expected him to leave us and go running to her.  I think that once she saw what she was really dealing with, she backed off.  Too bad I didn’t have that option with him since I actually was pregnant.

I often sit back and think about how Brian and I got together.  I can’t say that I regret meeting him because honestly, if he hadn’t lied about being married, my daughter would never have been born.  On the other end, from the bottom of my heart, I regret hurting his wife.  I once watched the movie “Why Did I Get Married?” and when it got to the portion where Jill Scott’s character found out that her husband was fooling around, I cried and I cried hard.  I’m sure his ex blamed herself and I really wanted her to know that Brian fooled around because he was too young to know what he wanted; it wasn’t a reflection of her as a woman.

Yes, I am technically living with the guy and despite many people telling you that you won’t get the man, I did end up with him and he’s a great father.  However, I wouldn’t really recommend what I did to other women because Brian wanted out initially; he just didn’t want to leave his child. Many other women are single mothers that started out with their own Brians. They just weren’t as lucky.

All during my pregnancy I told him and myself that if he really wanted, I’d let him out of his parental responsibility and I’d raise my daughter on my own.  I had to be ready for that.  It was also crazy how so many people felt at liberty to weigh in on my situation of having a baby by a married man.  I know that many of my relatives know about it, despite me not telling them.  I’d actually prefer for them to ask me so I can tell them the truth.  I’m not ashamed of falling in love.

Ironically enough if a wife finds herself in that position, I say to fight for your man (only if he’s worth it of course).  I’m not going to lose my mind chasing down women who are after Brian, but I’ll let any woman know that I love that man with all of my heart and if she thinks I’m going to play dead, she’s got another think coming.

My daughter needs her father and I’m not going to lay down and let another woman take that away. I’ve learned about keeping things together and the importance of date nights.  I want us to work on our friendship because as clichéd as it sounds, it’s true, friendship is the basis of any relationship.

I’ve also learned that sometimes you really do have to cut your losses.  I’ve told Brian more than once that if he wants to leave for one of those skanks, he can.  But, he always comes home.  If he and I get married and I find out he’s fooling around, I’m out the door. And, if he finds that another woman catches his fancy, I’m prepared to walk away.

Now that I guess I can say we’ve plateaued, I have a whole new idea of what a marriage is and how it is supposed to happen.  No disrespect for Brian’s ex-wife, but oftentimes, I’ll examine some of his habits and I can’t help but to think how they would probably still be married if she had done some things differently.  To start with, after dating for two years, he married her to keep her in the country.  He loved her, but he was young, and not ready to make a commitment like that.

Brian is also sometimes really secretive.  I’ve had to go through Brian’s phone sometimes to get the answers that I seek.  I no longer have to do that since I’ve lost my mind over enough of his lies.  When dealing with me, he knows that it’s better to be honest (no matter how bad the truth is) than to lie and get caught.  Trust me, I don’t take lightly to lies.  He gets ticked at me but I can’t help but to feel that if I’ve given him license to fool around, there is no real reason to lie. I also find that absolutely no woman should assume that she’s immune to her husband stepping out.  If Bill Clinton will do it, so will the accountant that you’re married to.

I’ve come to realize that in a marriage, you have every right to ask questions.  In a marriage, there should be no secrets.  If you’re dealing with a man who feels that it’s his right to lie or avoid telling the truth, be wary. So many women are okay with their men withholding information.  Trust me when I tell you, make him answer questions!!  And, if those answers don’t add up, even if you eventually drop it, keep it in the back of your mind.

I’d also asked Brian if anyone ever went to his wife and told her that they’d seen him with another woman.  He said that it had happened but she chose to ignore it.  Brian spent so much time with me that I have no clue how she let him go out so often!  I’m all about trust and all, but why was he out so often without his wife?  Sorry, but I wouldn’t allow that mess with my own husband.

Brian and I are best friends now, and I get a lot of questions about marrying him. The thing is, that Brian wasn’t the first man that was married to hit on me, he was simply the first I’d gone for.  I may let him fool around now, but I certainly wouldn’t allow that mess if we got married. I also want to make sure that before we get married (if it ever comes to that) he’s mature enough to do that.  I’m in no rush to get married though.  If it happens, I’ll let it happen naturally.