The All-Consumed Mom
We’ve all seen them. Probably we’ve all judged them. You know the kind of mom I’m talking about: “The All-Consumed-Mom” or ACM for short. This is the mom who becomes everything for her kids. She has their schedules set, their nap times planned, and she probably makes her own baby food. She swore she wouldn’t let her children dictate her life, and yet here she is, backing out of Girl’s Night Out, requesting that her friends come watch a Netflix movie at her place so the little one can keep his nighttime routine.
If I were looking in from the outside, my advice to this woman would be ‘lighten up’ or ‘your baby can adjust’ or something else equally well-meaning but completely unhelpful to this ACM. The problem is that I’m no longer peaking into someone’s life, but have now become this, so called, All Consumed Mom I so quickly judged just a short year ago.
Now viewing this world from the inside and having become accustomed to such counsel, I’m slowly realizing what it is that so bothers me about these types of comments. Though usually said with kindness and the deepest of best intentions, they fail to take into consideration one thing and that one thing has them miss-the-boat completely. I know my son is adjustable and flexible. I’m aware that my life won’t fall apart completely if he skips his nap. What I don’t know is the consequence being a mom will have on my life. I am daily making countless numbers of decisions that entirely affect the well-being and peace of my family. I am having to sacrifice myself, my time, my friends and my family to the urgent needs of this new person.
I’m not sure what the breaking point is, but I do know that, relationally and spiritually, bonds are being stretched to adjust. How much will they take? Will they break or will they hold fast? What happens when I make a wrong judgment call? Will those bonds be forced to take the extra tension or will I be forgiven? For some reason, being a mom introduces all kinds of tension that is completely unexplainable to non-parents.
It’s not that I’m a control-freak (though I definitely have those tendencies) or even the first person to experience this. It just comes down to one simple thing. Fear. Fear of what this baby needs and is unable to communicate; fear of what my friends need and are kept from asking; fear of what my husband needs as he is overlooked one more time for someone else.
I know that well-wishers do mean the best when they give consumed moms advice about being “less consumed.” However, it seems to overlook the fact that the business of a mom is full-time and there are just some jobs that carry the lives and welfare of people as part of their job description.
In the future, when tempted to council your “ACM” friend, take a second and see if that’s really the area in life where she needs your help. Maybe she does need input on how to best juggle the family schedule, but my guess is that, most likely, she just needs to hear that you’re not judging her, nor is she alone. Remind her that you’re not going anywhere and that she’s just as important to you as she is to everyone else.
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Best. Article. Ever.
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Alright, so who is judging you? As one who gave all she knew how to give to her own children (and at times feels a bit bankrupt on this end of the journey), the only judgement I can make is – what else would you do? God put you in charge of a soul crafted in His image. Do what you must and let the judgement of men go in preference to the judgement that matters most. I love you, and I support what you are doing!!
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This article makes me feel the way I felt when I saw that moment in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams says to Matt Damon, “It’s not your fault…It’s not your fault…”, over and over again until Damon starts crying uncontrollably. I’ve got to say that being a mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to witness not because of the mommy part, but because of everything that happens to, with and without the wonderful girl that my daughter now calls mommy.
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Spoken by someone in the fire! Great article!
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As a moderate ACM, I have to say that it is definately about being willing to sacrifice for the welfare of your children and husband. This sacrife does not end up being a terrible burden though, but as you mature, it brings joy. I don’t quite agree that it is always because we are opperating out of fear though. Perhaps when it is the first child, fear is more of a factor, but soon a mother learns to trust her intuition and have confidence that she’s making the best decisions for her family. We all fail, and none of our children will be perfect, but if we attend to them, they will be much better off than if we leave that care to someone else who is probably very capable but not attatched with all their heart and soul.