Should I Get A Divorce?
Right now, as you take a break from whatever you were doing to read this article, at least 50% of the population is standing at the crossroads of stay or go in their unhappy marriage or long-term committed relationship. What an awful place to be. I know. I’ve been there. Twice.
Being at such a tortuous juncture in a marriage—possibly one with children—is one of the most difficult, confusing and painful experiences of a lifetime. Some have said that the death of a spouse would be easier to suffer, because the decision is made for you and when it’s over, it’s over.
Considering a divorce is a lonely, jagged, mind-bending obsession, no one can tell you what to do. No one can tell you if your decision will be the best one. No one can tell you if your children will fare best in the long run if you stay or if you go. Oh, the continuous loop of questions that run through the mind of someone seeking an end to the pain caused by a relationship in turmoil.
“Will I get over it?”
“Do I have to live the rest of my life this way?”
“What about me?”
“Will my kids be okay?”
“Will I ever meet anyone else?”
“How can I afford to be on my own?”
“How can I hurt someone like this?”
“Am I a bad person?”
“Why can’t I just be happy?”
Having spent about 14 of the 15 years of my second marriage asking myself these questions, I know how crazy the loop can make you. My second ex-husband and I probably spent thousands of dollars on marital counselors trying to fix what I realized in the end wasn’t even broken. Just completely, utterly wrong.
I can tell you that peace with my decision to end my second marriage came only when I could answer the following question with a resounding “yes,”
“Have you done everything possible to find a way to be happy staying in this marriage?”
I had a personal epiphany after I had made my decision to go; I felt the sensation of truth settle in my gut when I realized that not only did I deserve more from an intimate relationship, but my husband deserved better than a wife who at best felt ambivalent toward him and their marriage. And, my sons deserved a mom who could be herself—happy outside of limbo-land and free of the lead weight of indecision.
Even after I knew I had done everything I could, it still took some time to find the courage to break my husband’s heart and change my sons’ lives forever. So I drew on some of the best and truest wisdom (usually found in the form of a worn-out cliché): You’ll know when you know. So I waited and then I did. Courage came in the wake of knowing.
Obviously, you should not stay one second longer if you or any of your loved ones are being hurt or are otherwise in danger emotionally or physically. Leave first; think about divorce later.
Otherwise and in the meantime, take care of yourself. Go easy on yourself and your partner, realizing that you share a history and always will. You loved each other once, no matter who did what to whom since. Aim for friendship, regardless of whether you decide to stay or go. I fully assure you that this is a very hittable target. While you are trying to find your answer, spend some time alone getting to know your true best friend “intuition” again. This is the only “person” who can tell you what to do and the only one you’d want to. Then, when “intuition” speaks, listen.
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