Dear Zoe,

Yes, gremlins are real and they will come eat you if you keep telling mommy “no” so be a good little girl…or else…

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

Mommy gave you those little eyeballs you rolled at me this morning when I told you “no candy until breakfast” and I will take them back if you roll them again….( I am smiling as I say/think this of course).  Now eat your eggs…

I love you

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

Since you are old enough to talk back to mommy (or try) you are old enough to get a job.  Whatever you said sounded like “saltpeppaketchup” so we will be at Chili’s in the morning to fill out an application…

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

When mommy sat you down to eat your dinner and said “clean your plate” that DID NOT mean to break into your tub of wipes when I wasn’t looking, throw your food on the floor and “clean your plate” with a wipe which you proceeded to blow your nose with…just for that, you are starting etiquette class on Monday…

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

The brush, comb, water bottle and hair lotion are your friends and in life we treat our friends nice and don’t fight or resist when they try to help us…so be a good girl and let mommy comb and style your hair so you can go to school and be …the pretty little princess that I know you are….

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

As much as I would like for it to be true, that handsome man on mommy’s New Edition t-shirt (Ralph) that you called “daddy” is not really your daddy….. (he’s just mommy’s old boyfriend ) I’m sorry.

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

You are so angelic and precious and sweet…when you are knocked out and asleep for the night! (ok and when you are awake too) goodnight…

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

Don’t let anyone tell you that candy canes and grapes aren’t a great way to start the day…that breakfast is just as wholesome as cereal or eggs!  Now have a great day!

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

Since mommy is not a Real Housewife of…, she has to work late (like tonight) to buy you nice things like shelter and food.  While I am away, please do not try to use my blush as eyeshadow, eat LEVER 2000 or use your shampoo as lotion this evening.  You have plenty of juice in the fridge, so no need to …

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

One day you will know what they are for but for right now, all you need to know is that they are not stickers or Victoria’s Secret angel wings.  Please remove them from your onesie, your wagon, the wall, the ottoman, the couch and any other surfaces where they don’t belong and stay out of the linen closet!   Now have a good day…

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

What we do is perfectly normal…tell me when you haven’t seen a mommy dress like her baby…its human nature…so is wearing a tiara to the mall and pearls with sweats…now stop fighting and let’s go get dressed!

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

If you meet some little boy on the playground and he tells you his name is “Mr. Flintstone” run…really fast…

Love,.

Mommy

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Dear Zoe,

In the spirit of tax season, I will refer to you lovingly as my little “T.D.” (tax deduction) so please answer when called. Have a good day…

Love,

Mommy