21st Century Dating

When I reentered the dating world five plus years ago, it was quite a shock to my system.  I had come out of a fifteen year marriage, that I had entered soon after ending a four year marriage, that I had begun about a year after my high school graduation.

I can count the number of dates I had while I was in high school on my right hand.  Dating today is an other-worldly experience.  Although at forty, I didn’t have a lot of dating experience under my belt, I knew enough to know I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

Agreeing to go on a date with a man today seems to be perceived as another way of saying, “Why sure, we’ll have sex tonight!”  Gone are the days when a man “courted” a woman. (Ok, yes, I do feel corny even using that word).  Gone are the days when the idea of expecting to be kissed, let alone have sex with a woman, on a first date was a ludicrous thought.

For me, dating today feels like being caught in Cat 5 rapids trying to make your way back to the shore.  Not only does dating these days require the same rigorous effort as swimming against a strong current, for me, it induces the same, “I’m gonna drown!” panicky feelings.

Why isn’t there a BEST GUY store where I can special order exactly what I want, pick it up and take it home?  I’d gladly pay for a quality product AND the extended warranty that comes with it, if it meant I could avoid going on one more date, worse, several, with what ends up being a malfunctioning piece of equipment and realizing that I have squandered my time and emotional energy again.

It’s been nearly six years since I jumped in the dating river.  I’ve had a couple of near misses—rafts with slow leaks, you could say.  So I think I have some wisdom to share about avoiding dating pitfalls, especially if you are in the long-term relationship market.  A word of wisdom:  If it sounds like a worn out cliché, it’s because it is. Clichés are just beat up truths.

1. First and foremost:  Define what you want in a relationship.  Be faithful to that.  Know what your deal breakers and red flags are.  Stay on alert.  TRUST YOUR INTUITION.
2. Women’s empowerment be damned.  There is something necessary about letting him call/email/text/chat with you first.
3. No matter how much you like the guy or lust after him, you must make him work to get you.  Hard.  I have learned the hard way that they instinctually need this.  It may mean canceling a date or being too busy for the first two weeks after you meet, but you’ll find out if he’s the kind of guy who will make the effort for you now…and later.
4. Don’t eagerly return every call/email/text/chat.
5. Avoid that “I’m such a gullible idiot/I’ve been used again” feeling.  Make it clear that you are a “10-Date Minimum Woman” and stick to it.
6. When you do finally decide to go on a date, depending on how well you know him, get yourself there.  Tell at least one friend where you are going and with whom.
7. Do not dress to kill. Dress to express who you are and how you want to be perceived.
8. Have a plan for ending the date early if you need to.  For example, you might arrange to send a code text to a friend who will then call you to tell you about an emergency. Get it?
9. Do not drink more than one or two cocktails or glasses of wine.  Period.  Do I have to explain why?
10. Ask questions and pay attention to what he says, not your vajayjay, who is whining because she hasn’t had a play date in six months.  See #12 and go out and invest in a “pacifier.”
11. Notice whose doing all the talking.  Does he ask you questions about your life?  Does he fully answer your questions?  Is there a lot of laughter?  Do you “play well” off of each other?  If not, ask yourself “Why am I still here?” and see #8.
12. No matter how great the date went or how great your lust, DO NOT engage in any sexual activity—that means no making out, no copping feels, no blowjobs.  Nada.   Be warm, flirtatious, friendly and encouraging, but please, be different.  Be unexpected.  Be intriguing.  Be anything but common and easy as so many women are these days.
13. When the date is over, go home.  By yourself.  Let it settle.  Mull it over.  Hit replay.
14. If he calls/emails/texts/chats with you to thank you for the date, score one point for him.  If he doesn’t, write him off as classless.  Then, if he contacts you later for another date, at the very least, hesitate.  Tell him you’ll get back with him.  Let him sweat.
15. Start over again at #4.  By the time you reach the magical 10th date you should know whether or not he’s a keeper.  Never try to be “good enough” for him.  Decide if he’s good enough for you.  There’s a difference.  Trust me.
16. Never give your feelings of love away until  1) he does and  2) you truly feel it.

Happy swimming!  Keep your heads up!

Tags: 10 date minimum, dating challenges, instinct, men, Relationships, rules

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 25th, 2010 at 12:03 am and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.