My Son Is A Little Green Eyed Monster!
As a single mom, I have always tried to be keenly aware that I was not just dating to find a partner for me. Any man I felt had promise had to go through not one filter, but two: first me, then my son. Three filters if you count the dogs. Poor guy. I have always tried to consider my son when evaluating the partner potential of a date. My second marriage was rife with heartbreak because my second husband just could not relate, and therefore never bonded, with my oldest son from my first marriage. I don’t want my youngest son to have the same experience and I certainly do not want to feel that kind of pain again.
What I never expected was the little green-eyed monster that possessed my son the moment he found out I was dating. I felt watched, like my son was actually Big Brother.
The few times a date actually progressed to the level of spending time with me and my son, he would turn into Mr. Demando, calling my name every few minutes. Suddenly, my son would need me for this and need me for that. He would work himself in between my date and I wherever we were sitting. Countless “Mom, watch!” shouts interrupted conversations. Suddenly, my own pre-teen son was like an insecure lover. “Who called you? Again?! Where are you going? When are you going to be home? Is that what you’re wearing?!” He would try to tell me what my dating time limits were.
At first I was annoyed and reacted in kind. Who was this little offspring of mine who thought he could question my private life? Why was he acting like a little brat?! You’d think he was jealous or someth….ah ha! He’s JEALOUS!
So I went and did some research. I discovered that it is completely normal for a son to be jealous. And, what is jealously but categorized FEAR?
To understand his behavior, I tried to look at myself from my son’s perspective. What my son saw was his nurturer, provider, kisser of boo-boos and ever-available playmate become distracted, on the phone giggling, on the computer repeating “just a minute” twenty or so times. He saw her go out dressed in fancy clothes, not shorts and a t-shirt like she used to wear all the time. He watched her leave at dinner time instead of eat with him and stay gone until after he fell asleep. Then, he had to meet some guy she brought home and be nice to him, too. The guy starts spending more and more time with his mom and his mom with him. Will his mom forget she has a son? Would this guy take her away from him, too? I mean, she was mine first!
I began to consider my son’s perspective about my dating life and although I had been trying to keep my dating activities private, I hadn’t been very successful and I decided to limit phone conversations and chatting until after he had gone to sleep or was away from home.
Being an “open and liberal” mother, I also chose to have an age-appropriate conversation with my son about some unavoidable facts:
- I am a single adult woman and I will date single adult men. I need friends my own age. When I think he needs to know more, I will tell him.
- Everyone is entitled to privacy, even mothers. Even though everything is open for discussion, in the end, I am the parent and he is the child and that is that.
- I get two date nights each week. The rest of the time belongs to my son.
- His opinion is extremely important to me and I will always ask for it and consider it.
- No one will ever, ever come between us. Ever.
- No one will ever, ever make me love him less. Ever.
So far, I think it’s working. The last time I had a date and my son asked me, “Is that what you’re wearing?!” he asked because he thought I should change into something nicer. He wanted me to dress to impress. He was right.
