The other day at the park, while meeting another mom she asked me “Are you a single mom or a solo mom?”  I didn’t understand what she was asking, so I asked her to clarify.  She explained that a single mom is someone where there is another parent involved, so there is typically financial support, custody arrangements, etc. whereas solo moms are raising their child(ren) completely by themselves.  In this particular mom’s situation, she adopted her son as a single woman.  In my situation, my son’s father lives in another state and has no involvement in our lives (financially or otherwise).  So we both fit the description of “solo mom.”  As the day and weeks went on, I dwelled on this new term I learned, solo mom.  What does it mean to be a solo mom, and why did this other mom feel the need to differentiate?

What are the benefits of being a solo mom??  Well to start with, there’s no one to argue with about what’s the right or wrong way to raise your child (well, except for your extended family, teachers, friends, strangers… there’s no end to who will tell you what you are doing is wrong).  As a solo mom, you are free to make all decisions regarding the care for your child without having someone else debate your logic.

Additionally, there’s no one else for your child to go to, to undermind your authority.  No “dad said I could” or having them run and ask the other parent after you clearly said no (not to say they won’t do this at grandma’s house).

But also there are drawbacks to being a solo mom.  First, and many times most difficult to deal with is no days off, no every other weekend, or summer at dad’s house.  Having time with your friends means you’re either bringing your kid or you’re getting a babysitter.  Doctors appointments, hair salon, spa, massage all require a babysitter or to be done while your child is in school, which means missed time at work.

Secondly, there’s no one there for re-enforcements.  Sometimes as parents we need someone to back us up on things, to say “listen to your mother” or to give us a break when we’ve been helping with the homework for the past 2 hours and getting nowhere.  We all have strengths and weaknesses in life… sometimes your weakness is your child’s love.  It’s hard to help your kid fly a kite when for the past 30 years of your life, you’ve never successfully flown one and have already given up on that being in your repertoire of skills.

After dwelling on the terms solo mom and single mom for a couple days, even weeks, I came to the conclusion, it doesn’t really matter.  Being a mom is tough for all of us, single, solo, married, committed relationship or otherwise.  We all have strengths, weaknesses, moments of supreme greatness and complete and utter failures, no  matter our status.  I’ve decided the only title I need is Mom.