Having a baby is a beautiful experience, one that can bring a couple closer together than ever before.   However, despite this intimate occurrence the two of you have shared, there is one form of intimacy that is not always so forthcoming, sex.  One of the most common complaints of married couples after a child is born is a marked decrease in sex drive.  While both can be affected it is usually the mother and can last a few weeks to a few years.

There can be serious issues that cause this problem such as postpartum depression.  However, it is usually more a case of just not wanting it.  Be patient, both of you.  There are a few things you can try to get the spark of romance back into your relationship.

Date Night

Do not discount the importance of a little time alone.  Get a sitter, go out, enjoy a dinner, see a movie…whatever you decide, it is crucial to take some time to share it together.  Make it a regular thing, maybe going out once a week, or once every two weeks.  The feeling of being strangers can really add to a decreased sex drive in a woman.  Get to know your other half again.

Holly, 24-year-old stay-at-home mother of one little boy said:

“I spent the first year after Elijah was born dreading the days when I would have to have sex with my boyfriend.  It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, or even that I didn’t find him attractive.  I was just so tired and worn down and I felt as though we didn’t know one another anymore.  We never spoke about anything but our son and I started to resent that his only other focus was getting between my legs.

“When Eli was about nine months old we decided something needed to be done to work on the rift that had developed between us.  The obvious answer was to spend more time together, so we signed up for a couples cooking class.  Once a week we would go to the class, learn how to cook something new and then go out for coffee and a chat afterward.

“It really helped to bring back the intimacy in our relationship and that was what ended up bringing back my desire for the physical.”

Set a Day

We would all love to have that crazy, hot, spontaneous sex that seemed to be the norm in the beginning of the relationship.  But, chances are that faded long before baby came.  Now it is even harder to just drop what you’re doing for a romp in the bedroom.  It might even be difficult just to find a time where you are both in the same room.

A sudden encounter will happen occasionally, especially when your child gets older.  However, setting a day and time – while lacking in romance – can at least give you both a night to be together.  You may even find yourself beginning to look forward to it.

Miranda, a 36-year-old mother of three, said:

“After Brittany [second child], my husband was desperate for something to happen.  I completely shut off from him in every way and every bit of attention I had was going to the kids.  I didn’t want him to touch me because I was so tired and I felt like we would be losing sleep time if we did anything at night.

“We ended up making a compromise: we would have sex over the weekend and he would let me sleep in to recoup from the late nights with the baby the next morning.  From there we went from having sex just Friday night, to having sex Friday, Wednesday and Monday night.  After awhile, I had regained my taste for it and I had seen that it wasn’t really affecting my exhaustion level.  It was really helping with my stress level though and it wasn’t long before we didn’t need to set a day anymore.”

Exercise

It may seem counterproductive to add yet another part to an already hectic and exhausting day.   In the case of regular exercise, it is very much worth the conflict.  It has been proven time and again that a regular exercise routine will give you more energy, fight depression and – yes – boost your sex drive.  When you feel better, you will be much more eager to engage sexually.

You can even make it a couple’s thing.  When my husband and I found ourselves getting droopy and easily exhausted when our second daughter was born, we joined up with a gym.  They were offering a two-for-one sale on a year contract that made it affordable and they offered free childcare with the package.

Not only did we find ourselves healthier and feeling much more energetic, but we went from sex twice a week to four times a week without (pardon the pun) breaking a sweat.  Whenever we become lax on using our membership we notice a decrease again, which is enough to get our butts back through the doors and onto the treadmill.

‘The Bump Start’

It isn’t always easy to get in the mood no matter what the situation.  When you have had a long day of work, cleaning, or had your hands shoved up to the wrist in poopy diapers, it is easy to see how the feeling of amore might be a little hard to find.  This is especially true when you are so tired you just want to roll over and go to bed.

You might find that soldiering through can work wonders.  You might not be in the mood, but as long as the thought of sex doesn’t make you physically cringe, the method I like to call ‘The Bump Start’ might be the best option.  This is just what it sounds like…start up and get into it as you go.

Eve, a 27-year-old mother of one, who is currently trying for her second, said:

“It’s something that’s very close to my heart, because I had such a good sex drive (could easily have gone every night) before, even when I was pregnant.  But, now I just don’t have the interest at all.  I know it’s an important part of any relationship but I can’t seem to find the oomph to get there!

“Not only that, but by the time I get to bed I’m normally too tired, so we have had to schedule it earlier.  Sometimes we go to bed right after Saraya [daughter] goes down and then get up again after to have dinner.  We try and fit it in if my mum has Saraya and things like that.  Also, it can be a bit boring, like you don’t have time for “fun” sex.  It’s a quickie here and a quickie there; never really proper take-time-enjoy-each-other type sex, because there isn’t the time or inclination.  Chris tends to give me oral sex first to try and get me in the mood, baths, candles, massages, etc.  But, it’s a really “team” thing…you both have to work at it to get it going.  And, I have to be willing to just lay back and do what I need to do to get things started.”

Medication

Occasionally, the problem can get really serious.  As mentioned above, postpartum depression can be a factor.  Breastfeeding can be its’ own sex-killer, with the hormones needed to produce breast milk counteracting those needed to become aroused.  There are also other medical problems that can completely shut down a sex drive.

When this happens, medication might be in order.  Communicate with your doctor before taking any medication.

Jennifer, a 46-year-old mother of two grown children, said:

“My kids are both out of the house, I have been through one divorce and a remarriage and I still don’t have my sex drive back anywhere near where it used to be.  I’ve tried pretty much every trick out there and switched birth control pills and medications at my doctor’s request.  This seems to have been the most help to me and while I am still not as into it as I would like, I can at least get into the mood when the timing is right.”

Don’t Lose Hope!

Sex can really begin to feel like the elephant in the room when a child is born.  Between lack of time, stress, sleepless nights and a general distance that is injected between you and your partner, it is a wonder couples get back into the swing of things at all.  However, a baby isn’t the end and with a little self-exploration and a willingness to fix the problem, you can have your sex life back as well.