My story isn’t much different from a lot of other women.  I met a guy, we fell in love and I was ready to make a life with him.  We were young, seventeen and eighteen respectively and thought we knew everything.  It was my first real relationship outside of “dating.”  All of my friends were involved with someone and now I was too.  Had I known then what I know now I would have left the relationship.

The first incident wasn’t physical so much as emotional.  Imagine being a seventeen year old girl trying to get over the fact that the one you loved didn’t want to be seen with you unless you were with your best friend.  Then imagine how it would feel if your best friend of over ten years didn’t even bother to tell you that they made out. That was mistake number one.

Now imagine, a little over a year later, the emotional conflict that started it all turned physical.  There is no feeling worse than a size thirteen boot being thrust into your stomach.  Correction.  I take that back.  It’s even worse when you’re trying to protect your baby.  Two months pregnant and I was the brunt of his aggression.  I was trying to save a relationship that shouldn’t have been in existence anyway.   That was mistake number two.

Further, our primary belief systems were different.  I was more spiritual.  He was hard core into his religion.  Based on his beliefs, it was okay to “discipline” your woman if she disagreed with you.  Being that I’d never been the one to go against another person’s beliefs I accepted this reasoning for his behavior.  That was mistake number three.

There were a lot more mistakes made, too many to count.  They all led to the same conclusion, abuse; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and financial.  Compounding  the black eye,  broken nose or bruised rib were low to no self-esteem, not being able to be who I was and being so broken that I could not live my life without his voice in my head telling me  that I was worthless, ugly, useless and would never amount to anything.

Getting in an abusive relationship is easy.  Most victims usually don’t know they’re with an abuser until it’s too late.  It’s getting out that seems to be the hard part and while it is quite difficult, it isn’t impossible.

One way to leave an abusive relationship is to form an alliance.  Choose three of your closest allies, friends, family or associates and let them know just enough to enable them to help you.  You don’t have to tell them about every hit, scratch or name-calling incident.  Just be sure these people can…and will…be there for you when you are ready to go.

Another thing you must do is plan an escape route.  Sometimes the abuser strikes at will and you may be put in a position of fight or flight.  If you have to get out immediately have these things readily accessible to you:

• Pre-paid cell phone that’s fully charged so you can call one of your alliances or 9-1-1 if need be.
• Some extra money or a bank card to an account that only you have access to.
• An extra set of keys if you and the abuser live together so you can access your things at a later time…with the police escorting you, of course.
• A set destination that your abuser can’t trace back to you.

Finally, once you’ve left an abuser DO NOT GO BACK!  They will try every tactic in the book from crying, pleading and begging for you to stay, to being real “generous” with gifts, time and affection.  Know that none of these things will last long.  It’s all for the abusers benefit to lure you back in.  They need to be in control at all times and will do whatever they have to in order to regain that control.  They may even try to scare you into coming back.  Keep your distance until you are mentally strong enough to stay away.

I was fortunate enough to get out of a bad relationship.  It took the police, an ambulance, my head being slammed against my car door and a severe reality check but I did it.  I also know of women who weren’t as lucky.  It is for them that I am so passionate about saving as many lives as I can.  If you know you’re in an abusive relationship or suspect that you are, now is the time to GET OUT!

You don’t have to go through this alone.  You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with someone who will make you happy. Your children also deserve to grow up in a safe and loving household.  Take it from someone who has been on both sides of the fence.  Love does NOT hurt.  Get out now before it’s too late.  If you know of or suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship do all that you can to help them.

If you don’t know where to start visit www.ncadv.org, www.stopfamilyviolence.org (these sites are protected and will give you the option to do a “quick escape” if needed), or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).