One of my aims in life is to speak out against verbal and emotional abuse because it often is not recognized as a genuine form of abuse.  I regularly include segments on this topic in my classes on emotions, love and relationships.  I was actually surprised to find myself in that situation without knowing what to do, given my theoretical background.  Apparently, it can happen to anyone.  Physical abuse is horrific but when you are verbally abused you have no bruises to show, just a heart that secretly has been run through a meat grinder over and over again.

Here is the brief version of my story.  After a short relationship full of warning signs which I failed to pick up on, I married Ted.  What were the warning signs?  He had a temper, got irritated and angry very easily and spoke to me in impolite ways.  But, since it was relatively infrequent, at the time I somehow managed to overlook it.

Once married the verbal and emotional abuse began full force.  Ted would scream and yell at me for no apparent reason.  He would foam around his mouth.  Drops of saliva would “accidentally” hit my face.  He would invade my personal space, stand big and strong in front of me, screaming to the top of his voice.  The triggers?  Any suggestion I would make and I literally mean “suggestion” — e.g., “Maybe we should pay the bills tonight” or “Should we do take-out tonight?” or “Your mother called.  Maybe you should call her back.”  While he screamed, I would stand and listen passively, not knowing what to do, until I learned to leave the room, years later.

There was name-calling: “bitch,” “cunt,” “child,” “victim,” “whore.” Those words and phrases felt like knives slitting open my chest.  Sarcasm was very frequent and his natural way of communicating…”You are such a victim, aren’t you? You cleaned up this place real good while I was away, didn’t you?  How great of you stopping on your way home from work to actually get us something to eat!  You know how busy I am.  What were you thinking?  You are such a pretty little girl, aren’t you?”  I felt as though I was being punched hard in my stomach.

Then there was the emotional abuse: e.g., failure to inform me about his plans for the night; he would stay out until 2 AM without informing me where he was or when I could expect him back.  This continued even after our only child was born.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant, Ted threatened to leave me.  I was terrified and stupidly begged him to stay, promising that I would change, though I had no idea what he expected of me.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I didn’t know how I could change.  I was already walking on eggshells.  Of course, I should have let him go.  I picked up several books on verbal abuse.  He threw them out.  I had to hide them.

The abuse was only rarely physical.  He once poured a 2-Gallon pot of cold water over me while I was sitting on the floor crying after one of his angry outbursts.  Another time he slapped my face.  But, he would throw stuff: books, computers, furniture, dishes, my new sun glasses; he would throw it through the room or against the wall.

After my daughter was born I thought about leaving every day.  I also thought I couldn’t.  I thought, “You have to stay for her sake.”  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  She lived through the first few important years of her life being yelled at by her own father.

I finally realized it couldn’t go on this way.  I am divorced now.  My daughter, who is now 6, is much happier.  It just isn’t true that you should always stay for the sake of the children.

Verbal and emotional abuse can leave deep emotional marks.  Despite having an appointment in a psychology department and despite knowing all the psychological theories behind this, his mother abandoned him, etc., I had to get professional counseling to deal with the aftermath.

I am constantly on guard now.  I am hyper-sensitive to the littlest sign of potential verbal or emotional abuse.  I didn’t see the signs when I was in the middle of it but I see them now.  They are not hard to spot once you have gone through years of maltreatment.  A few examples:

1) Name calling is not ok.

2) Sarcasm is not ok.

3) Evil eye-looks are not ok.

4) Making fun of how your partner walks or talks is not ok.

5) Telling your partner that she is not exactly a sex goddess is not ok.

6) Telling your partner that she is worthless and can’t handle being on her own is not ok.

7) Belittling your partner in any way is not ok.

8) Threatening your partner is not ok.

9) Arguing against your partner’s inner feelings is not ok.

10) Ignoring a person who is politely asking an innocent question is not ok.

11) Extreme anger, yelling and screaming are not ok.

12) Throwing stuff through the room or against the wall on purpose is not ok.

13) Staying out of contact with your partner for extended periods of time if you are in a serious relationship is not ok.

If you are frequently exposed to this kind of behavior, my best advice to you is to do what I failed to do for a very long time: leave immediately.  He is not going to change.