Verbal abuse can be as emotionally disturbing as physical abuse.   Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse does not give rise to bruises, broken limbs or black eyes.  Instead, it often gives rise to anxiety, fear, despair, depression or a compulsive disorder.

Because verbal abuse does not leave easily recognizable physical marks, it can be hard for others to know that it is going on.  What’s more, verbal abusers often carry out the abuse behind closed doors.  Furthermore, they tend to be charming or highly respected individuals from whom others would never expect this kind of behavior.

Because verbal abuse sufferers don’t have any clear proof of the abuse, they often are afraid to confide in others [1].  They may doubt that others will believe them.  Some even wonder whether what is going on is a kind of abuse.  They think that there may be something wrong with them and not the abuser.

The simplest way to stop verbal abuse is to remove yourself from the abusive situation completely [2].  But, this requires being in a position to recognize the abuse and even when the behavior has been identified, external factors (e.g., a life-threatening disease, financial matters, small children, etc.) may make it difficult to leave.

If you can’t leave, how do you respond to the abuse?  Here are some steps to take to help you cope with verbal abuse [3]:

1) Recognize the abuse

The first step is to recognize that you are in an abusive relationship.  Verbal abuse can take many different forms.  The most noticeable include name calling (e.g., “bitch”, “cunt”, “asshole,” etc.) and extreme anger outbursts (e.g., yelling or harsh sneering).

Harder-to-identify forms of verbal abuse include mocking, belittling, ridiculing, evading questions, sarcasm, confusion, inappropriate silence and inappropriate criticisms and attacks.  What characterizes all forms of verbal abuse is that words, or the lack thereof, are used to control the other person in a way that harms them emotionally.  If you are not sure if you are in a verbally abusive relationship, chances are that you are.  If your partner’s words (or lack thereof) constantly hurt you, you are most likely in a verbally abusive relationship.  If you consistently feel confused by your partner’s remarks, you are most likely in a verbally abusive relationship.

2) React to the abuse

Once you have recognized the abuse, the next step is to see if you can change your situation by making your partner aware that he is verbally abusive.  In rare instances the verbal abuser will recognize that he is being verbally abusive when he is reminded of his behavior.  In those rare instances verbal abuse may be grounded in extreme ignorance and a simple conversation should put an end to the abuse.

In most cases this simple approach won’t work.  If you are in an abusive relationship, there is a history of abuse and hence a regular pattern of behavior.  This sort of pattern normally cannot be broken simply by having a conversation about the issue.  A better approach is to call your partner’s attention to the abuse every time it happens.  Don’t listen to the content of what is said (or not said), don’t respond to that content, instead identify what form of abuse is taking place.  Then ask your partner in a firm way to stop it.  “Stop it!” said with a firm voice will suffice.  Alternatively you can name the abuse.  If your partner is yelling, you can say “Stop it!  You are yelling.”  If your partner is belittling you, you can say “Stop it!  You are belittling me.”  If this doesn’t help, it’s time to temporarily remove yourself from the situation:  Simply leave the room.

3) Coping with abuse

Every time abuse is taking place, call it to your partner’s attention.  If the situation doesn’t improve, it probably never will.  Permanently end the abuse by moving away if you are in a position to do so.  If you feel threatened, plan to leave at a time at which you know you will be alone.

You may not be in a position to leave for whatever reason.  In these circumstances you will have to cope with the abuse until you are in a position to leave.  Begin to make long-term arrangements for your independence and continue to respond to every instance of the abuse.   Also, to protect your sanity, make sure you spend some time away from your abusive partner every day.  Plan activities you can attend without him.

4) Speak up

Finally, don’t keep the abuse to yourself.  Get support from your girlfriends or close family and seek professional counseling.  Pick a counselor who has prior experience with verbal abuse.

[1] The Verbal Abuse Site

[2] “Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out,” Patricia Evans; 1993.

[3] “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond;” 2nd edition; Patricia Evans; 2003.