The end of an unhealthy and highly conflicted marriage can radically improve the lives of children of the marriage.  Ending a caustic marriage increases the chances that the children will grow up in an environment that is free of negative vibes, constant fights and possible abuse.   But, children often lose their father as a result of divorce.  This loss can be a traumatic life-changing event for children who lose both a parent and an important role model.

Abandonment Issues as a Result of Divorce

Children tend to interpret the loss of a parent after divorce as a kind of abandonment which they are responsible for.  “A child thinks everything, good or bad, that happens to them is because they somehow deserved it,” says Kent Miller, a Seattle-based web advertising consultant and the father of an autistic daughter.  “So if a parent leaves, a child believes there is something wrong with themselves.  That belief can haunt them for the rest of their life.”

In a healthy child-rearing situation a bonding process occurs between child and parents during the first five to six years of the child’s life.  The parents recognize and satisfy the child’s needs and thereby teach the child that she can trust the people close to her.   The emotional connection with the parents gives the child the secure foundation she needs to trust others.

When this initial attachment between a child and a parent is lacking, the child becomes unable to trust others.  The child implicitly believes that she must always protect her fragile self.  Her concept of self prevents her from allowing others to be emotionally close.  She becomes extremely demanding and controlling in response to her fear.  Emotionally she feels that if she does not control her world, she will cease to exist.

Childhood abandonment can lead to life-long disorders such as avoidant or anxiety abandonment disorder.[1]  Adults with avoidant attachment disorder tend to avoid close relationships and friendships.  They have difficulties with intimacy and closeness and are more likely to engage in casual sex than to have sex in a monogamous relationship.  They have difficulties trusting others and cannot share their feelings with friends or partners because most of their emotions aren’t felt.

Adults with anxiety attachment disorder are compulsive caregivers and over-invest themselves emotionally.  It is as if they haven’t realized that it’s more impressive when others discover their good qualities without their help.  They tend to idealize others and idealize relationships and friendships.  They have a strong desire for partners or friends to reciprocate.  They desire extensive contact and declarations of affections and are preoccupied with and depend on the relationship or friendship.  The relationship or friendship is the primary means by which they can experience a sense of security and a sense of self.

Lessening the Negative Effects of a One-Parent Family

A single parent can to some extent ensure that their child does not interpret the loss of the other parent in their daily life as abandonment.  If the child is old enough, the single parent can explain to the child that while the other parent no longer lives with them, he or she loves them just as much and that the divorce is not their fault but happened because mom and dad couldn’t figure out how to live together.

Stability in parenting arrangements after divorce is crucial.  Research shows that children who experience no changes in family structure, including children who live all of their childhood with both biological parents, or who live their entire childhood with a single parent, have the highest levels of adjustment. [2]  Children who experience one transition in parenting arrangements, for example due to divorce, have a lower adjustment.  The most vulnerable children are those who experience multiple transitions.  Settling on a stable parenting arrangement after a divorce can thus combat some of the negative effects of losing daily contact with one parent.

Many divorces result in a situation where the child has no contact with one parent — usually the father.  The father may have to move away because of work or a new relationship.  Or, the mother may prevent the father from seeing his child.  In these situations it is almost inevitable that the child will feel abandoned by the missing father.  Though having other positive male role models in their daily lives, for example uncles or older cousins, can help prevent the feeling of abandonment, not even good role models in the extended family can fully prevent the deep feelings of loss that the bereft of a parent can generate.

What Fathers Can Offer

Unless the father’s continued relationship with the child presents a danger for the child, all attempts should be made to guarantee a continued relationship with both parents after divorce.  “A father can give a child a sense of competence in the greater world, the one outside the house.  They can give a child a sense of adventure, a belief that they can and should try new things,” says Kent Miller, who has experienced divorce first-hand.

In almost all societies there has been a delay in recognizing the important role that fathers play in raising their children.  However, growing up in a one-parent family devoid of a consistent father figure can affect a child in numerous ways.  Little boys need the company of their fathers or other males because there are parenting qualities that only a man can provide.  Little boys learn how to behave as men by looking at their male role model.  They will mirror the way their father treats women, his moral integrity or lack thereof and how their father behaves.

“A father can model proper male behavior and help the children learn to communicate comfortably with men,” says Jon McGinnis, an associate professor of philosophy at University of Missouri, Saint Louis.  “As a father of sons, I need to make sure they know when it’s acceptable to act like a ‘guy’–the whole burping, farting, physical stuff associated with hanging out with the guys thing–and when it is absolutely not acceptable, as well as what is never acceptable behavior.”

“Speaking of acceptable behavior, boys need to learn how to treat women,” McGinnis adds.  “As much as my boys are oblivious to girls now (and I like it that way), odds are they will not stay that way and I would like to see that ultimately they are successful mates and hopefully become good fathers.  So one thing I hope and pray I am modeling well is how to be a good father.  Additionally, my interactions with my wife and the way I treat and speak about women should help my sons interact well with women and eventually become good partners or spouses.”

Little girls, too, need a positive father figure in their lives.  Fathers tend to give their daughters a kind of admiration and attention that mothers can’t offer: a man’s admiration and attention.  Girls who do not get attention from, or are not admired by, a positive father figure during childhood will tend to be more seductive and assertive in inappropriate ways.  Because of what they lacked during childhood, they will crave the attention and admiration of the men they encounter in their daily lives and will do almost whatever it takes to get their deepest desires satisfied.

“Ideally, a father qua role model will teach his daughter how she is supposed to behave around men and how she can be expected to be treated by men when she grows up,” says McGinnis.  Little girls will notice if their mother and father interact in healthy ways and if their father is treating their mother well and will mirror that behavior in the future and expect men to treat them the way their father treated their mother.

“Obviously these things are difficult to do in the case of divorce,” McGinnis adds.  “Still, if there is not some male figure teaching and modeling good male behavior, it might be harder for children to get a proper sense of what is proper/good male behavior.  A mother can tell their children how to behave or how they can expect to be treated by men, but it is completely another thing to see it played out.”

[1] Maryland’s Source for Attachment Disorder Related Information
[2] Divorce – Effects On Children, Effects On Couples, Effects On Parents