Oh, the excitement of those first sparks across the room, the fireworks when we are in the midst of a blooming relationship!  The flame burns bright and hot.  In the beginning of any long-term relationship we are literally entranced with each other.  The flame can be hot enough to drive you absolutely wild in each other’s presence. You spend time together learning to navigate each other’s likes and dislikes while staying completely focused on each other.

Then, there is a new phase.  You and your partner have to redirect some of that energy and focus on careers and perhaps children.  The question then is what you and your partner can do to keep that flame burning despite these new changes.  You need to find ways to keep it burning.  You have to invest the time and energy in keeping the relationship secure, relevant and exciting.

One thing you must always try to remember is that you are true partners in this life, not just roommates.  You are sharing a life, good and bad.  You need to be aware of what matters to the other one, what is on each other’s minds.  This comes with listening.

When you first started this journey together, you probably literally leaned over and hung on every word.  This not only showed interest, but respect for what the other felt or needed to get off  their chest.  Taking the time to listen to your partner lets them know that what they take the time to express really matters to you.  Even though, as the years add up, you may feel you have heard all of the gripes or stories before, they still want to share them with you.  This means they respect your input and you, by listening, show that their feelings matter.  Being heard and taking the time to listen translates to a feeling of mutual respect and understanding.  This keeps you close.

Keeping the flame bright is to drop the needless insecurities.  You have to be secure in the fact that this person still wants to be with you.  The more secure you are in yourself and your relationship, the more confidence you project.  When you are insecure, you show it and jealousy can creep into your relationship.  This can and will stifle any amount of desire for each other.  The confidence exuded in knowing you are wanted is sure to make you more wanted by your partner.

Besides keeping desire alive through confidence and communication, many people often point to the advantages of a date night.  While in theory date night is one obvious way to keep things spicy and hot, it isn’t practical for everyone.  If you just can’t seem to work in an official or traditional date night, remember what it is about date night that makes it such a sure fire way to keep things interesting.  It isn’t the restaurant or movie.  It certainly isn’t the dress you wear or the time doing your hair. It is time alone together—the escape from the outside world and all the responsibilities that divert your attention away from each other.  You can get those date night benefits anywhere and anytime if you are creative enough.

That time can be had in your own kitchen cooking a dinner together while the kids are outside playing or napping.  You can even find that quiet time alone walking around your land or neighborhood together.  Even a dreaded home improvement project can have the same benefits of date night if you laugh together and make it time to chat about things you have been meaning to share.  A long drive home while the kids are asleep in the back seat can be the perfect time to laugh together about an inside joke, talk about your future, or relive the special weekend away you had years ago.  This can all spark a flame by reminding each other of what it is you love about the other and also what you still have to discover about one another.  Just these stolen moments to still focus on your partner and not the kids or the bills can rekindle and remind you that you both still have so much more to talk about.

The last and very best way to keep the flame burning is to laugh together.  Make each other smile or laugh each day.  Share your stories about the ridiculous antics of a co-worker.  Keep that inside joke alive.  Let your partner in on what made you laugh about the kids that day.  Every time you smile or giggle together, you just may feel that little crackle of the flame flickering.  While spicing things up behind closed doors will always work, the result can be short lived and hollow compared to a good old- fashioned belly laugh.  That in itself can be wildly alluring.