ROMANCE…is about the possibility of the thing.  From the time when you first meet some fine … woman… To the time you make  love to her.  From the time you first propose to her.  To the time you say I do.  When people who have been together for a long time say that the romance is dead….nuh uh……they just EXHAUSTED THE POSSIBILITIES – Love Jones

Recently I came across an article which to me really brought home the perspective of what true commitment means.  The husband has been seeing another woman and finally brings himself to ask his wife for a divorce, not really stating the reasons for this request.  The wife begrudgingly agrees, on the condition that they wait a month to break the news to their son who is preparing for an exam and that for the duration of this month he will carry her from the front door to the bedroom in a reenactment of their wedding day.

The husband is hesitant but agrees to the request.  Immediately he notices how distant they have become and the lack of intimacy they share.  After the discomfort and awkwardness of the first few days of this routine, the husband grows stronger.  He notices his wife has slimmed down dramatically.  He starts to have those feelings of intimacy for her once again and is actually starting to look forward to their daily ritual.

The son too has grown to anticipate his parent’s routine.  The husband has fallen back in love with his wife.  He shocks his mistress with the news that he has decided to return to his marriage.  As he comes home to build on this new found love, he finds that his wife has passed away.  She died of cancer.  He had been so consumed with his affair that he did not even realize that she was battling this disease.

That summary really doesn’t adequately express the feelings that I experienced when reading this piece.  When I got home from work, my wife and I had a discussion about the validity of the story.  We both agreed that whether the story was true or not really didn’t matter, the principles therein were enough to satisfy.  Commitment, communication and focus were my three takeaways.

In the story, the husband’s affair had been his major distraction, but the other woman could easily be late hours at work, socializing with friends,  a pet, even video games or the Internet.  What do you do with your time?  How many hours do you spend enjoying your significant other as opposed to watching TV or tweeting?

Going on my third year of marriage, I’m confident of the principles that my wife and I have established but also cautious to never become complacent.  Today many people look at marriage as just another relationship where they can just “break-up” if it isn’t working out.   What I’ve come to realize is that, regardless of how good a thing you have, it still takes a lot of work.   This is not to discourage or create a negative perception of marriage, but to emphasize that it should be a lifelong commitment.

As the story can attest to, it’s important to go back to that moment you fell in love, because honestly, you may not always feel in love with your partner.  This can be caused by self-inflicted battles or other outside forces; however, it’s something that is inevitable.  I’m not saying you will ever stop loving the person but there might come a time when you’re just not in love or “feeling” that person who made you melt with their smile.

In many cases it stems from a lack of appreciation.  Sadly, this can be caused by having too much of a good thing.  As crazy as that sounds, just hear me out.  When is the last time you thanked your loved one for that delicious meal, helping the child with homework, taking out the trash, etc.?   The reason many will say it’s been awhile, is because these are things that are and should be expected.  We all have roles in a partnership, whether we choose to honor them is a different story.  I’m not saying you should weep at your partner’s feet when she cooks, but we really have to take heed to the little things.  (Trust, as I write, I’m speaking to myself as well).

This lack of appreciation can extend into more of a systematic way of living.  There is nothing wrong with routines.  Many of us get great gratification as we anticipate Taco Tuesdays or watching The Office or Dexter at their respective times, but in order to keep the energy and excitement in any good relationship, we have to sometimes think and act outside the box.  This is when communication can become most beneficial.

Many times we talk about fighting fair, which is definitely imperative; however communication is much stronger than words.  Communication is body language, a look, a gesture.  We should learn to know when the other isn’t “in the mood” for romance.  This will without a doubt save both of you the trouble and headache this misunderstanding will cause.  Also, take hints about new behavior or patterns.  Why are you both sitting down watching TV and on your phones?   Is it that neither of you are interested in the programming or is it that something better is happening on one of your media outlets?

As usual with me, this is just food for thought which was inspired by the anonymous writer.  So rather than just think, I’ve decided to include a list of a few actions which might help as an aid to spice up that relationship:

• Have a date night – We all get preoccupied with work and family, but it’s important that the two of you just go out and enjoy one another.
• Stay creative with date night – Don’t just be satisfied that you agreed to go to the movies every third Friday of the month.  Maybe a Wednesday night trip to the city or park, I know this isn’t applicable in everyone’s situation but the key is to strive to be creative.
• Talk – As silly as this sounds, don’t just stick to the template of asking how one another’s day was, ask how they are feeling, what’s going on in their life.  You may be surprised with what you will hear.  Also, in partnerships with two talkative people, maybe take turns talking, like Tuesday night she talks and you listen and you take Wednesdays.
• Learn to appreciate what the other does for a living – This thought could not be overstated.  I guarantee you learning to appreciate and understand what the other does for a living or is passionate about will only raise your level of love and commitment for that person.  You will be better equipped to empathize when they’ve had a hard day at work or didn’t get that dream promotion because you truly will know what it means to them.
• Start over – Unfortunately, unlike a video game we can’t just hit the reset button on our relationships.  Mistakes will be made, but we have to learn to forgive.  If you’re in a situation where you can’t or refuse to get over the past then it’s inevitable that it won’t work.
• Use your discretion – During those rocky periods be careful what you share with friends and family.   You may be willing to forgive but friends and family may not.
• Stay encouraged – There is no guideline to a perfect relationship.  Couples around you may have enjoyed complete bliss their first seven years while you struggle to make it through your “honeymoon” stage.  Nevertheless, stay encouraged.  You didn’t fall in love and get married all in one day, there will be many stumbles and obstacles along the way but you got into this for the journey in the first place.
• Enjoy the journey