Interview with Flaimhamy, July 12, 2011

FM:  Tori, I first want to thank you so very much for allowing Flaimahmy to interview you at what must be a very difficult time for you.

FM:  Let’s start at the beginning.  Can you tell us in layman’s terms what Incompetent Cervix is?

TA:  Incompetent Cervix is when the cervix at some point flattens, so it doesn’t support the baby inside of the woman’s womb.  You don’t know you have Incompetent Cervix until you get pregnant and they find that your cervix has flattened.  So, you don’t know you have it until you know you have it.

FM:  You’ve had two pregnancies that you’ve lost to this condition, the last one you lost at twenty-one and a half weeks.  Had you heard of Incompetent Cervix before your first pregnancy?

TA:  No.

FM:  After the first pregnancy can you describe your experience?

TA:  The first pregnancy was the very first time I had ever heard of Incompetent Cervix and in my ignorance, I’m thinking, “I’m a healthy woman, I’m a strong woman, I’m fit, I workout, I exercise…why is my cervix incompetent?”   Just that word “incompetent” seemed like a failure.  It wasn’t until I went to the doctor for my regular checkup at four and a half months that they found my cervix basically needed to be closed up.  They said I had to have a cerclage.

I’d never heard of a cerclage before.  That’s the process of getting your cervix stitched.  Just the very thought of  the doctor explaining that to me was painful.    [“cervical cerclage, (cervical stitch), a surgical technique that reinforces the cervical muscle by placing sutures above the opening of the cervix to narrow the cervical canal.]  Once you have Incompetent Cervix you always have Incompetent Cervix.  For any pregnancy thereafter you have to have a cerclage.

I did everything they asked me to do the first pregnancy.  I was very naive about the whole process but was paying attention, read about the process and what Incompetent Cervix was all about…and so finally… just did not have a successful pregnancy.

FM:  Do you know with what frequency the cerclage procedure works?

TA:   In talking to my doctor, other doctors and people in the medical field, really and truly, every single woman is different.    Every case is different, everybody is different, every pregnancy is different.  I had a cerclage; it didn’t work for me.  I didn’t know until later that there are different types of cerclage.   [For example] there is a  McDonald cerclage and a Shirodkar cerclage.

I’d never heard of it until this year.  One, in case there is an emergency, they can remove [the stitches].  The other, the Shirodkar cerclage, once it’s in, it’s in and you have to have a C-section [Caesarean section], and each subsequent pregnancy will have to be a C-section with the Shirodkar cerclage.

FM:  Which procedure did you have?

TM:  I had the McDonald cerclage.  However, any pregnancy from this point forward, I will have a Shirodkar cerclage.  The thing about Incompetent Cervix, once the cervix flattens it’s giving a signal to your baby that it is time to come out.  If you have a Shirodkar cerclage there is no signal to the baby that it is time to come out.

FM:  Have you learned anything about yourself, having gone through these experiences, that you did not know previously?

TA:  I think the good thing about this time around is I’m not looking for answers.  I don’t have any questions, I’m not looking for answers.  I wrote a letter to my children and each day is different.  There are some days that are better than others.  Sometimes I wonder.  After I lost my son, I was given the news of twins, a boy and a girl.  I just felt extremely chosen, so blessed and so chosen.  And then when I lost them I kind of went into a tailspin for a minute.  It didn’t last long.  The only reason it didn’t last long was because I did my absolute best.

Once you do your very best, there’s nothing left to do.   I spent a lot of time just quiet. introspective. really understanding what I was supposed to grow from, what I needed to learn and take with me.  I’m not angry.  I have a very supportive partner.  I just feel like there are even greater blessings right around the corner.  I don’t share my sadness with people.   A lot of times people will see me and because I’m smiling and I look great, they think I’m ok.  But the day before or even an hour before I could have been balling my eyes out.  I don’t share that with people.

FM:  From where do you draw your strength?

TA:  I think that life is progression and you can’t have the good without the bad.  But, it depends on what you call bad.  I mean everything that other people look at as bad, it may not be bad. I guess the strength comes from life’s continuous forward movement.  Certainly things happen that are not so good to us and you draw from it and you learn from it and you continue.  We all have to just put one foot in front of the other, slow and steady.

I’ve been working out, just trying to get my physique back…feeling strong again.  Literally, it’s one foot in front of the other.  There are certain exercises that I could have done pre-pregnancy quite easily and certain things that I can’t do, or if I do it I’m a lot slower because I’m healing.  Some of that can be emotional for me.  I take yoga and I’ve cried in the yoga class because my body was out of practice because I was on bed rest for a while.  It was a reminder of the loss I’d just experienced.

Doing normal things that I did before, either I couldn’t do or I could push through the discomfort.  It was the starting over and it was just emotional for me.  But, I do think the fact that I was there, the tears stopped.  I was like, “Look you’re here, why are you crying?  You’re here.”

FM:  Can you offer any advice to others who may have had a similar loss, not necessarily through Incompetent Cervix, but the loss of a child through miscarriage?

TA:  [Long sigh...] For me when people say, “I’m here,” those are some of the best words I could receive.  Don’t try to explain to me what happened.  Don’t give me your religious point of view as to why.  I don’t care and I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t really care to have a bunch of phone calls.  I don’t want to talk to everybody.  If I want to talk with somebody I’ll call them.

It’s a thing that doesn’t require language to me that I’ll give to someone else should they need that, should I see that they are in a similar circumstance.   Because I’ve been through it I can honestly say I understand how you feel and be sincere.  Saying “I’m here for you,” is enough.

You look at women with children, particularly small children, and you realize… I think… they’re so lucky… my gosh, they’re so lucky.  And, then I go and watch Intervention.  There was a lady who had a ten year old.  Because she was on drugs she completely neglected the ten year old.  The little girl was crying her eyes out and she just turned her back on her.  That makes me sick.  I think, “How did she get blessed with this little girl?”  She’s abusing her and someone like me is having difficulties bearing children right now.

I have that question and then it goes away because I can’t get an answer.  It’s not for me to question God or to say how come she gets to have it and I can’t at this time.  That’s not for me to figure out.

FM:  I saw an interview where you talked about (bear with me on this pronunciation) hysterosalpingogram.

TA:  [Laughter]  I can’t say it either, I just say HSG.

FM:  Well, HSG.  [laughter]  Can you explain what that is?  [More laughter...]

TA:  That’s something I also recently found out about. That’s a process of getting your womb checked to see if there are any abnormalities or scarring,  I had that done a few weeks ago and fortunately everything looks good.  Sometimes women don’t know what’s going on.  Some women could have had an abortion when they were younger and it created some scarring and you get pregnant and wonder why you’re having problems.

If you get an HSG that can help figure out if there are any underlying problems going on with the pregnancy.  They put a dye inside the womb to check it.  It’s painless.  It’s a process that I recommend for most women prior to deciding to have children.  Get it out of the way.  In that way it will alleviate any stress for you.

FM:  I know many women have gone through and are going through what you are going through.  Do you think that you will try to get pregnant again?  And. what are your thoughts on alternative childbearing options such as surrogate mothers and possibly adoption?

TA:  I am definitely looking forward to having a pregnant belly again and having a successful pregnancy.  I’ve been pregnant; I want to have my baby.  I’m not saying I want to be pregnant again.  I want to be pregnant and GIVE BIRTH to a healthy baby.  We are working on that…and hopefully that happens..,this year…hopefully.

As to alternate suggestions on having children, is that the question?

FM:  Well, alternate childbearing options.  There is surrogate mothers and also there is adoption.  I just wanted to get your thoughts on those as well.

TA:  I don’t have any problems with that.  They’re not for me.  In fact, I’ve gotten, what’s the right word, I get kind of defensive or irritated when people who don’t understand my entire situation, who don’t have all the pieces, suggest to me surrogacy or adoption and for me it’s like, “Don’t tell me that yet,” when I haven’t done absolutely everything that I can.  For me personally, let me truly do all that I can and if all else fails then I would look at alternatives.

I want to have maybe one or two kids and then I do want to adopt.  But, I want to adopt a big kid, like seven.  I don’t think anything’s wrong with it.

FM:  We at Flaimahmy definitely consider you to be a Fly Mommy.

TA:  Aahh…thank you.

FM:  Can you tell us in your own words what makes you a Fly Mommy?

TA:  What makes me a Fly Mommy is that I continue to keep one foot in front of the other.  Life is always progression.  My faith runs so deep and I know that allthough this is an unfortunate situation for me that God has not left my side, not for a minute.  That holds me up and that keeps me encouraged.  And, while pregnant and post-pregnancy, I’m right back into kickboxing.  I want to get back into my high waist trousers and look amazing.

I think all mommies, whether they are pregnant, pre-pregnant, post-pregnant, I think you should put effort in your looks, in your presentation.  I mean it’s all about being comfortable but you know, put some effort into your presentation.  Some lipstick. Go get your hair done, some cute Havianas (flip flops) and call it a day.  [Laughter]  No, I won’t let  myself fall to pieces at all!

FM:  Hey, you already know my philosophy.  [Laughter]

TA:  Exactly.  [Laughter]

FM:  Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers?

TA:  Even though I sort of feel loneliness, I do know there are lots of women who have gone through this situation.  Just be encouraged.  I’m fortunate to be surrounded by a lot of moral support and have a good partner.  Also, this could be considered a bit controversial but choose who you procreate with wisely.  DNA is important.  Also, you don’t want to be a single parent.

Some women know the guy isnt the right person early on and still choose to get pregnant.  Use your head.  Make decisions from the neck up, not the waist down.

FM:  Well, thank you Tori!

TA:  …That was a good quote.  [Laughter]

Jovita is very active in her community.  She mentors students, donates her time as a speaker for school groups and is a member of the Junior League of Atlanta.

She is a graduate of Bennington College, Bennington, VT and earned a Master’s Degree in Journalism from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism.

She and her husband have three children.

(Interview with Flaimahmy, July 30, 2009)

FM:  You won an Emmy for your work, Women and Fibroids. How much more aware are women today about this condition than they were when you did your series in 2001?

JM:   I think that story definitely helped raise awareness as far as women needing to know that they had to seek out more information.  It’s one of those stories I still get questions about believe it or not and it’s been years since I did that story.  Women still come up to me and they want to talk about it because it’s definitely an issue that affects so many black women.  I think what that story did was to open up their eyes to say there’s no clear science here about what’s going on, why we get these things, why they come back, what causes them, or what can make them go away.

What I find is that I really think women were empowered by that story because they realized that there were so many answers I couldn’t even get being a journalist and asking doctors and talking to doctors around Atlanta.  They could not tell me answers to a lot of the questions.  I think it empowered women to realize that, hey we’ve  really got to seek out answers to heal ourselves and to solve medical problems.  If we can’t get a doctor in one place we’ve got to still continue to seek answers to get them from somewhere else.

FM:  What is your greatest challenge in balancing family life with a husband and three children with your professional responsibilities?

JM:  I only can tell you one?  There are many challenges.  I’d say the biggest one is just finding enough time for ourselves, me finding enough time everyday just to be mommy or just to be wife.  That’s probably my biggest challenge because my job demands so much of me and it seems like it demands so much of me beyond nine to five.  This is not a nine to five that I have.  So, finding that time, being able to turn everything off and say no to all the requests or put them to the side or put them on hold for a few hours everyday, that’s probably my biggest challenge.

But, I have to make sure that it happens.  You know I have three children and obviously three children who very much need me and a husband who very much needs me so even when I have a busy weekend I know that there is a certain amount of hours that have to be dedicated to family.  That’s always a challenge, making sure that that happens and not just being so consumed by work and all of its demands all of the time.

FM:   You have accomplished a lot academically, graduating from the prestigious Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism, and professionally, you are a top news anchor with a top-rated news show.  Did you have any mentors along the way?

JM:  You know, I was just having this conversation about mentors last night actually with my husband.  I just read a book called Strength Finders and we were talking about that.  I actually feel like I’m in need of some new mentors only because I realize that my career…you still have changes and there are paths that your career takes.  Even after doing this, I am now in my, oh lord, believe it or not I started in 1990.  I am in my 19th year of tv news and so I realized that the need for mentors is still very much there.

I have mentors around the country, people who I still pick up the phone and call or shoot an email to just to kind of check in and see what’s going on.  They are news managers and actually several of my mentors are men believe it or not.   I was talking to my husband last night about my need to connect with more older women in this business.  They’ve been there in the past but a lot of them are no longer in the business or they got out just to be mom.  I really feel like even now after nineteen years I need to cultivate some new mentors.  They are very important and they have been to me ever since college.  When I talk to students and young people who are interested in television news that is one of first things I tell them is to find a mentor and stick with them as long as possible.

FM:  Did you decide early in life that you wanted to be a journalist?

JM:  Subconsciously, I think so, because I was one of those kids who watched the news everyday.  I was, I’m not going to say I was a nerd or a geek but I was definitely a news baby.  I grew up in a single-parent household.  We only had one tv in our one bedroom apartment.  When my mother came home she turned on the news.   It didn’t  matter if it was the Flintstones, Scooby-Do or Magilla Gorilla. It didn’t matter what was on tv at the time; when she came home I had to watch the news.

I can remember watching the news as early as second grade.  Subconsciously, it was always something that I did and gravitated towards watching news.  By third grade I was reading the paper.  I grew up in New York so I was reading The Daily News, I was reading The New York Post, I was reading The New York Times. Through the rest of elementary school I would read the paper.  There was always this interest and this thirst for news.  I didn’t actually make the decision until I was in college and it was because of mentors, people who I had met just in my college years already my freshman year, my sophomore year, who started talking to me about becoming a journalist.

FM:  Do you believe that it is any more difficult for women with families to advance their careers as compared to men with families?

JM:  Yeah, I do.  I think it is harder for women because even a husband, a man can typically and routinely leave the children at home and just walk away.  Men usually, for the most part, the majority of men don’t have to deal with the care-giving.  They do not have to deal with the taking care of the houshold and the children.  They can wake up in the morning, take a shower, put on their clothes and leave the house.  Women can’t do that.  We’ve got to make sure the lunches are packed, we’ve got to make sure all the teeth are brushed, we’ve got to make sure the kids get to day care and make sure they get to school.

I find that in probably nine out of ten of the women I know who work, they take care of all the responsibilities before 9:00 a.m.  So, it is not easy for a woman to just get up and focus on her career.  From the minute she wakes up in the morning until the time she closes her eyes at night – she can’t – she’s got twenty more things  that she has to do that most men just don’t have that commitment to.

Yeah, there are  family men and I’m not saying that dads aren’t involved.  Dads are very much involved and I know plenty of involved dads but for the most part it is so easy for a man to get up and focus on his career and what he has to do every single day as far as work is concerned.  But, a woman, especially if she is a mother,  she is going to have  five other things that are on her plate that day and they are all going to relate to home and family.

I think it is harder for women because of family because we are stretched more.  We have more of those tasks and responsibilities that we have to deal with every single day that we can’t shut out either.  I think that is another thing; we don’t want to shut that out.  Our families are very important to us, the children are very important to us so we don’t want to shut those things out of our lives.  But for us I think  it is a constant juggle.  We’ve got all these balls in the air all the time whereas most men can just deal with the job, the career, the boss on a day-to-day basis.

FM:  I’m very tickled because I’m completely agreeing with you.

JM:  You know I do not want to bash men, I don’t want to bash dads but I think realistically we know – they get up in the morning they leave -  I know my husband does.  He does what he has to do to get dressed and he’s out the door.  All those other things fall on me and I’ve still got to be at work at nine.  You know what I mean?

FM:  Yes!

JM:  It’s very much a reality but he’s great.  I’ve got to slow him down, get his attention and say, “Hey, I need you to do this, this and this today; I can’t do it.”  But, it’s not going to be an automatic with them.  With us it’s an automatic, with them it’s not an automatic.

FM:  I completely agree.

FM:  What was the first measurable accomplishment that made you step back and say, “I did it!?”

JM:  Oh, wow.  Well, you know winning that Emmy the first time that was a huge accomplishment because I did that story really without any help.  A lot of times you’ll have a producer who will work on a story for you and set it up and do everything.  That was something that I did start to finish by myself.  So when I won the Emmy for ‘The Fibroids’ piece I was so excited because it was totally “my baby.”  It wasn’t something that anyone else had done.  That was great.

Also, getting my first job was a huge accomplishment because it was such a new world for me.  You’re just out of grad school and now trying to find a job.  That was one of them too that I had to step back and say, “I did it.”  Getting promoted to anchoring our 5 o’clock Show here in Atlanta at WSB-TV; that was huge.  I did have a lot of help with that.  That is totally not something I did on my own but just to make it and to be promoted  to that Show I was very proud of that.

FM:  Great.  Name two people that you most admire?

JM:  Two people I most admire; that is very tricky.  You’re only giving me two choices and that’s tricky.

FM:  Well, I won’t limit you.

JM:  I have to say is Oprah.  I just admire what she has accomplished.  I admire what she has done.  I admire her power and the way she uses this medium.  I admire that.  I really admire right now Michelle Obama, where she is.  She’s a working mom and she’s the first African-American woman in the White House.  That is huge.  I admire her for even in these few short months the way she has done it with such grace and with such style and I’m really looking forward to what we’re going to see from her the next few years.

FM:  Of course, we consider you to be a Flymommy.  That’s why we asked you to do this interview.  In your own words what do you think makes you a Flymommy?

JM:  You know what I think makes me a Flymommy is my ability not to take myself too seriously.  I think women can get so caught up in everything that’s going on in the world and at the end of the day if I can laugh a couple of times and laugh out loud then it’s been a good day.  I think that helps me balance everything else.  That’s what helps me to be “fly.”  When I can laugh and joke about stuff and just kind of relax.

FM:  Is there anything else you would like our readers to know about you?

JM:  I think I’ve said a mouthful.  I just always want people too to know that I think we are always more accessible than we may appear.  Even if you think a woman is high-powered or that you cannot talk to her or that she’s unapproachable because she has got a high profile job.  I think it’s always great when people do meet me  and they say, “Oh my God, you’re so down to earth;  oh my God, you’re so relaxed.”  I think that’s great.  That’s what I want people to know.  You cannot just get caught up in what you think is the hype.  Always see someone as being approachable and reachable.