Once the last school bell rings, they are once again yours…all yours.  Now, suddenly your time is theirs…all theirs.  Quite frankly, this upheaval is enough to drive many moms to distraction.  The noise and the constant activity, all disrupt the tone and calm of the entire house.  Your precise weekly schedule becomes virtually obsolete.  Whether it is your work hours at home or your set day to grocery shop and run to the bank, it all goes awry when all of the children are added to the mix.  Your internal level of peace and serenity is thrown off.  You may be wonderfully happy to not have the added stress over school schedules, homework and intricate science projects but you may naturally feel overwhelmed by the increase in family time.

Instead of pulling out your hair and cringing each time you hear “I’m bored!” until September, refresh and renew yourself during what is essentially YOUR summer too. I’m not suggesting you leave out enough food for the week and hop a plane to Baja to sip cocktails on the beach (even though that could do us all a bit of good).  But, you are human and need a release, an escape.  You need to find something that quiets the noise and gives you that much needed moment of peace much like the feeling you get when that yellow school bus comes to a halt on your street on a beautiful September morning.

Some release ideas are easier than you may expect.  Take advantage of a warm summer night to go out on a date night.  Go to a movie or outdoor summer concert.  Since school is out, you may find it much easier to snag a babysitter even on a week night.  Take advantage of all of those relatives always wanting to pinch your kids’ cheeks. Call up great aunt so-and-so and ask if she would want the little ones for a Sunday afternoon or a sleep over—whether the kids look forward to it or not is not important. Even grandparents may jump at the chance to have the kids for a few days or a week.  If there is a distance to drive, meet halfway to make the exchange.  Or, spring for a train ticket which would be a great experience for older kids.

Splurge on a real spa getaway.  Dad could use it as a time for him to spend one-on-one time with the kids while you get the peace you need.  You could make it a day trip or plan a real overnight getaway with other moms who are on the verge of a meltdown.  Take a night class.  Community centers and adult education courses offer plenty of cooking, scrapbooking, pottery, art and dance classes for beginner adults.  Most are affordable and require a babysitter once a week.  For a quick and simple release, do not overlook the power of a quick walk.

Our beauty does not fade.  It evolves.  As what makes us individually beautiful does change and evolve, it too can grow and become more apparent.  With this in mind, forget virtually everything you have ever heard or have seen about aging and realize that it is possible to grow more beautiful with age.

One thing that surely can make any one of us more beautiful with age is the fact that our sense of self finally comes to the forefront.  We no longer flounder or stumble trying to find a sense of style or project a preconceived idea of beauty that simply isn’t true to who we are.   With age comes the confidence needed to simply be who we really are in any given situation and circumstance.

We learn to truly see which physical traits we naturally possess are infinitely beautiful and timeless regardless of the number of candles on a cake.  Feeling comfortable in your own skin is beautiful and shows even when you are unaware of it.  Find what it is that makes you unique, be it eyes, body type, a crooked smile, or a contagious laugh and play it up.  Flaunt it.   Project it out into the world.

When you walk into a room with confidence, knowing exactly who you are, you automatically stand taller, smile more, and send out a vibe that makes your beauty more enhanced than any lipstick could do.

Also, as you grow older don’t just focus on those individual features which make heads turn but take care of your whole self.  Nothing is sexier or more alluring at any age than being totally and completely healthy.  Part of that youthful glow you long for stems from what you put into your body.  Knowing as you get older you are taking better care of yourself than you may have bothered to in your youth will project strength and a sense of power.  This isn’t to say you shouldn’t use those miracle creams and add concealer under your eyes, but also remember those little efforts need to be part of a larger picture when it comes to being beautiful at any age.

A major part of growing up and therefore growing more beautiful means outgrowing all of those misconceptions about youth and beauty. When you are young in age, you spend so much time and energy craving all of the attention in the room, many times for all the wrong reasons.  However, when you are confident, mature and growing more beautiful with age, you will command that same attention without effort or care.  And, you will deserve it.

The idea is to age “gracefully,” whatever that means.  We are all supposed to age gracefully, accept the wrinkles, put on a happy face and just remember that it happens to everyone.  Yes, age gracefully.  But, that’s easier said than done.  It is especially hard on the egos of those of us who feel like the young woman we once were – that is until we glance in the mirror and see the senior that we’ve become.

I’m 64 years old and believe me I’m trying to age “gracefully.”  I’m trying to accept the fact that even though I feel young – I’ve gotten old.  I mean when a salesman doesn’t question your age when you ask if they have a senior citizen’s discount, you know you’ve aged!

“Now, now, don’t even go there,” I tell myself.  I smile and continue to write, looking for the words to pass on about “aging”.  Then suddenly it dawns on me, “Oh, there’s so much more to be said,” I whisper out loud.  After all aging isn’t about the human body; we all know what happens to our physical bodies as we grow old.   No, aging is about the spirit.

Aging is about the wisdom that comes with those years.  Aging is about memories – both happy and sad.  Aging is about the relationships – the love that we hold within our hearts that grows and grows, and grows… “Yes, there’s so much more to be said about aging,” I whisper to myself.

You see, it is almost as if our spirits are given the gift of wisdom to replace the physical attributes that we had in our youth.  Our spirit is who we are and our life experiences both good and bad help our spirit to grow.  Our sons and daughters look to us for wisdom.  It gives us great pleasure to now have the patience and the wisdom to help them through the happy and sad times that life brings – to share our wisdom. “Yes, wisdom is certainly an attribute of aging that should never be overlooked,” I say out loud.  I smile, knowing that with age comes wisdom.  I mean how wonderful is that?

Oh, the memories, a lifetime of memories.  Memories are such a large part of aging.  Memories become even more important as you age.  You see sometimes memories are all that you have left of your parents or in my case the love of my life my darling husband.  It is the memories that enable you to keep on going.  It is the memories that brighten a lonely day.  It is the memories of a lifetime that keep you connected to those you love… “Yes, memories are certainly an attribute of aging that should never be overlooked,” I say lovingly as I think of all of the people that have walked in and out of my life.

But, if I were asked to write about the most important thing in my life, I would want to write about love.  When you reach the age of wisdom, love is really the only thing that is important.  It’s not about the home you live in, the car that you drive, the clothes that you have, or your career.  It isn’t whether you have grey hair or wrinkles. No, when you reach the age of wisdom it is about, “love”.  It is about the love that a husband and a wife share as they journey together.  It is about the love that you received from your parents and grandparents.  It is about the love you have for your children and grandchildren and the love of family and friends. It is also about the love and compassion that you feel for those you don’t even know.  It is about the love that you have given and the love that you can give. “Yes, love given and love received are certainly an attribute of aging that should never be overlooked,” I say to myself fighting to keep back the tears as I write.

So, you see, there’s so much more to be said on aging when you look at it in a different light; when you go beyond the physical.  “Yes, so many beautiful attributes of aging that should never be overlooked,” I smile and feel deep within my heart that maybe just maybe I’ve passed on a little of that wisdom to you…

It’s funny how wanting to take care of myself materialized as something I’d do for them yet have avoided doing for me.  When you’re young you feel invincible.  Then something happens.  A year goes by and then another.  You learn about a shocking young tragic death.   You finally realize it’s time to take care of this thing called your body.  It begins with caring for your heart.

The first step to caring for your heart is food consumption.  I hesitate to say diet because the word diet somehow infers temporary.  This has to be a way of life and not just something to lose a little water weight.  I had a wake up call about sodium.  I had no idea that a person who consumes food high in sodium on a regular basis is at risk for sudden heart failure.  That’s enough to make me want to put the salty foods down.

High sodium consumption can also lead to high blood pressure which can lead to stroke or heart disease.  That’s reality.  Many processed foods and fast foods are loaded with sodium.  It’s crucial to keep that intake to a minimum.  For details visit  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sodium/NU00284.  Reading how the body works was quite the eye opener.

The second step in caring for your heart is elevating the heart rate.  Even if you’re on a tight schedule with no time to get to a gym you can power walk through the day in small spurts.  Everything helps.  Take the stairs instead of the elevator.  Park your car farther away from the stores’ entrances so you walk longer.  Walk in place while you watch TV.  Just move.  Get your heart pumping.  Jumping rope is another great way to get exercise on a budget.  You can take the rope with you anywhere you go.

No excuses.  The quality and length of  life are what’s at stake.  When you tell your kids to listen to what you have to say you take no excuses from them.  You mean business.  So it’s time you lay down the law with yourself.  No excuses.  When you elevate your heart you’re elevating your life.

Last but not least.  Nothing is more important than your health.  Stop pushing yourself to the back burner.  Your health has to be upfront and very personal to you.  You do better in other areas in your life when you tend to your wellbeing.  Running yourself down without building yourself back up is a recipe for disaster.

Remember.  Move more.  Eat better.  Live longer.

That’s the recipe for life.

Flush with hope and naivety, I began enthusiastically slathering lavish amounts of various wrinkle creams around my eyes and forehead.  When that didn’t seem to work, I spread on even more cream until every night my eyes became greasy pools of desperation.  Needless to say that after a year of trying countless wrinkle creams on the market with little results, I moved on.  I am sure there are some wrinkle creams out there that do what they claim; I just never stumbled upon them. At that point, my naivety was shot and buried and cynicism had burrowed successfully into its place.

Since then, I have discovered on my own that there are some simple ways to prevent and minimize wrinkles.  Of course, this information would have been even more helpful ten years ago, but, live and learn…

Avoid the sun.  This is quite simple, avoid the sun and slather on sunscreen so that you won’t be slathering on wrinkle cream later in life

Sleep well.  Sleep is like its own secret pill in so many ways.  It keeps your body and mind healthy.  Without a good night’s sleep, your body becomes stressed and stress can pre-age your skin.

Exercise.  Exercise keeps the mind and body healthy which, in turn, will help keep your skin healthy and glowing.

Drink water.  Drink lots and lots of water!  Hydration is excellent for skin.  Water can actually help restore elasticity to your skin, which results in healthier looking skin with fewer wrinkles.

Eat healthy.  Yes, we all knew this one was coming.  Anything that will keep your body healthy will help keep your skin healthy, so eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and try to minimize starches and fats.

Take grape seed extract.  Grape seed extract is a proven anti-oxidant and anti-inflammatory, both great for the skin.  Grape seed extract can also help maintain beautiful skin because of its anti-elastase activity.  This makes skin look more supple and pliant.

I do all of these things and they help my skin enormously, but will that stop my quest for the perfect wrinkle cream?  Well, I can’t promise that.  After all, there are so many carrots being dangled out there in commercials promising me younger looking skin.  Who am I to say they might not catch me in a weak moment while I am staring wistfully at the television, feeling depressed and shoveling large quantities of cookies down my throat?

I will try to resist though. I will try to avoid Botox and plastic surgery and all the new wrinkle creams that pop up on the market.  I will resist these until I can resist no longer.  I will always make sure to watch my diet, exercise, drink water, avoid the sun, sleep well and take my grape seed extract.  But, as far as wrinkle creams go, maybe I should just give up the fight and accept myself and all the wrinkles that now accompany me.

Perhaps my husband is right and there is such a thing as beautiful wrinkles after all…

RESOURCES
http://www.supplementfacts.com/BioflavonoidBookS4.htm
http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/waysslowdownw_smmy.htm

My mom died of breast cancer at the age of forty-one.  I was sixteen.   I am now thirty-six; she has been gone longer than she was in my life and I am five years away from the age that she died.

My friend put it best.  When she reached the age her mom was when she died, she couldn’t imagine facing a terminal illness so young, especially with two kids.  She related to her mom in a whole new way.  I can empathize as I face that milestone myself in the next five years.

I don’t have a lot of independent memories of her my mom’s final months.  My family didn’t share a lot of details, I suppose to protect us kids from the reality of what was happening.   As I have gotten older and with a child of my own I wonder what emotions she confronted as her health worsened.  Did she ever realize how sick she was?  Did she face the fact that she was dying or was she in denial?

As I watch my son grow every day, I understand how important staying healthy truly is.  I want to be around for him as long as possible.  I also know that it is a fine line between being a hypochondriac and watching my health closely.  I can’t let my mom’s death at a young age turn into a fear of my own health and mortality.  I have to let her legacy be a lesson and not a crutch.

As I face each passing year, I welcome the signs of growing older and the knowledge that has come along with them.  I wouldn’t change my life path one step, for it has led me to be the person I am today.  I embrace each birthday with a wish for a long and healthy life – wrinkles, grey hairs and all!

Most women think long and hard about what they plan to do after the baby comes.  Some women anticipate the sheer joy of being able to be a stay-at-home mom.  They plan to be the primary care giver, spend their days strolling through the nearest park, joining mommy and me groups, shopping for organic fruits to share during daily snack time and generally ensuring that their baby gets everything a baby could possibly need.

Other women plan to return to their careers as soon as possible.  They, too, think long and hard about the logistics and financial aspects involved long before they ever lay eyes on their child.  They map out their maximum maternity leave, research day care options, interview nannies and plan out schedules with their bosses.

Both sides of the issue, to return to work or stay at home, require much planning and flexibility.  Both sides also typically fail to realize that all of those plans and preparations simply get tossed out of the window when that baby is first placed in mom’s arms.  The old adage, “Life is what happens when you are busy making plans” is never truer than when a baby enters the picture.  You can never predict what you will want to do until you actually bring that baby home.

The decision is as individual as you and your baby are.  So many factors come into play that you may never have anticipated.  If your baby has special needs, your plans definitely change.  Your finances may require you to return part time, or you may find you can adjust your lifestyle to stay home full time easier than you anticipated. The key to making the right decision, the decision that is best for you as an individual, is to be perfectly honest with yourself.

You may accept or disregard the advice or wishes of others, even the most well-meaning notions of your husband, partner or extended family.  If they impress upon you the need to stay home when you truly desire to work outside of the home, you will feel unfulfilled and as if you have no control in your own destiny, if you simply acquiesce.  If you feel as if you must contribute financially and stay on the fast track for job security, guilt will drive you to fail career-wise and also as a parent.

Ultimately, you must be content and happy with the decision you make or feelings of guilt or resentment will permeate into every facet of your life.  Equally important when it comes to the decision to return to work or not is to be able to express your feelings honestly.  You have to be able talk to your loved ones and weigh your options, wants and needs as a unit.

Don’t ever be afraid to turn to other women also.  While each circumstance is unique, the struggle with guilt of either staying home or going back to work is not unique.  Many before you have made the decision.  Rely on their honesty, trust in your own feelings and make the best choice for you.

When you do stay at home or go back to your career, you will be a happier, mentally healthier and more fulfilled mother in the long run.  Remember, a happy mom is the best gift you can give your child.

Written by two single moms, Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness, Ph.D., The Complete Single Mother offers first hand tips on how to make your single motherhood journey as smooth as humanly possible.  Throughout the book they answer some of the most complex and difficult questions about single motherhood.  They touch on important issues such as how to handle divorce, creating and maintaining a budget, what to do when your children experience separation anxiety and other issues mothers experience.

One of my favorite sections in the book discusses how to pursue your own goals while managing a household.  This section allowed me to follow my own dream of becoming a writer while raising my then seven year old daughter and two year old son.  There are helpful tips on how to maintain your own personal life without getting lost in the title of “mother.”

Another helpful section focuses on how to deal with household finances.  Chances are you’re not only a single mother, but a working single mother.  With only one income flowing in things tend to get tight…quickly.  This book gives you tips on how to create a budget, cut corners without cutting quality and get the most bang out of your buck.

I found the book helpful.  Life is challenging enough without additional drama.  Many people see single motherhood as unnecessary drama.  They may fault the mother for bringing a child into this world without what they consider to be a stable family.   I know first hand the challenges of being a single mother.   Even if I could, there isn’t a thing I would change about my decision.

While it may be better to some for both parents to be in the household, I feel that it’s the quality of the home that determines the success of ones’ parenting, not the quantity.  Do not feel  shame in being a single mother; you are more appreciated than you know.

You may have become a single mother by chance, by choice or by fate.  We all have underlying insecurities.  After all, “mother” isn’t a title you carry for eighteen years and nine months.  It’s a lifetime commitment.  That in itself is a huge pill to swallow.

The book is encouraging. With a little guidance, some support and the knowledge to back up your decisions you can make your single motherhood journey much more enjoyable.  Now pat yourself on the back!  You’ve done great this far!  Keep going!

I had a very hard time while my husband was gone.  Not only did I have to take care of absolutely everything by myself, but I also worried about whether my husband would come back to us alive and well.  I virtually turned into a single mother overnight.  As much as I love my kids, being with them 24/7 while worrying about Matt’s safety was enough to drive me insane.

The kids were just old enough to understand that their dad wasn’t home but not old enough to understand why.  I was left to deal with their confusion, sadness, anger, and a myriad of other emotions that they felt because of his absence.  As sad and scared as I was that my husband was in a war zone, my heart broke even more for my children.

My 4 year old daughter understood that daddy was at work but she didn’t understand why he was at work all day and all night for almost a year.  My son Jack, however, just didn’t understand at all.  Daddy would call almost every night and for the first few months Jack would get excited and babble to him on the phone with a big smile on his face.  However, towards the end of my husband’s deployment, Jack would turn his back on the phone and cross his arms over his little chest in defiance and anger.  He didn’t understand why daddy was always on the phone but not at home with him.

How was I supposed to explain that to a two year old?  My husband had a hard time hearing about how his absence was affecting our kids; it broke his heart.  He missed them desperately as well, but he also had to keep his head in the game when he was in dangerous situations.  This was not an easy situation for anyone involved.

Finally, the day came to pick up my husband and bring him home!  The kids were staying at my sister’s house while I went and picked up Matt.  When we got there, I told him to stay in the garage while I went inside and told our kids that I had a surprise for them.  When my husband walked through the door, the look on Jack and Naia’s faces was absolutely priceless!

Jack looked confused at first until he realized it really was daddy in front of him and not a trick and Naia just stood there from the doorway staring at her daddy in awe.  When my husband crouched down to talk to them, Jack ran across the room and flung himself in his arms.  Naia was a little more shy, but I have a picture of her hugging her daddy.  I have never seen a smile that big on her face before.  Needless to say there were many tears shed that day by everyone.  Seeing my kids reunited with their daddy was like a much needed and long awaited balm to my soul.

Matt has been home for a little over two months now and the difference in our kids is amazing.  They are much happier and more calm and secure.  In fact, I have never seen my son and daughter this happy.  My husband is an incredible dad and plays with our kids all the time.  During those first few weeks he was home there were many times that I would walk in and see him sitting down on the ground playing with both of the kids and I would suddenly burst out crying with relief and happiness.

I always intellectually knew that daddy’s were important, but I never quite grasped what that really meant until I saw the way my kids’ world just lit up when daddy came back home.  I still catch myself watching my husband with our kids and feel this overwhelming swell of gratitude and love in my heart.  I am so grateful that my husband came back safely.

My husband’s homecoming brought nothing but happiness to our family and peace and joy to our kids’ little hearts.  Welcome home daddy, we love you.

Abandonment Issues as a Result of Divorce

Children tend to interpret the loss of a parent after divorce as a kind of abandonment which they are responsible for.  “A child thinks everything, good or bad, that happens to them is because they somehow deserved it,” says Kent Miller, a Seattle-based web advertising consultant and the father of an autistic daughter.  “So if a parent leaves, a child believes there is something wrong with themselves.  That belief can haunt them for the rest of their life.”

In a healthy child-rearing situation a bonding process occurs between child and parents during the first five to six years of the child’s life.  The parents recognize and satisfy the child’s needs and thereby teach the child that she can trust the people close to her.   The emotional connection with the parents gives the child the secure foundation she needs to trust others.

When this initial attachment between a child and a parent is lacking, the child becomes unable to trust others.  The child implicitly believes that she must always protect her fragile self.  Her concept of self prevents her from allowing others to be emotionally close.  She becomes extremely demanding and controlling in response to her fear.  Emotionally she feels that if she does not control her world, she will cease to exist.

Childhood abandonment can lead to life-long disorders such as avoidant or anxiety abandonment disorder.[1]  Adults with avoidant attachment disorder tend to avoid close relationships and friendships.  They have difficulties with intimacy and closeness and are more likely to engage in casual sex than to have sex in a monogamous relationship.  They have difficulties trusting others and cannot share their feelings with friends or partners because most of their emotions aren’t felt.

Adults with anxiety attachment disorder are compulsive caregivers and over-invest themselves emotionally.  It is as if they haven’t realized that it’s more impressive when others discover their good qualities without their help.  They tend to idealize others and idealize relationships and friendships.  They have a strong desire for partners or friends to reciprocate.  They desire extensive contact and declarations of affections and are preoccupied with and depend on the relationship or friendship.  The relationship or friendship is the primary means by which they can experience a sense of security and a sense of self.

Lessening the Negative Effects of a One-Parent Family

A single parent can to some extent ensure that their child does not interpret the loss of the other parent in their daily life as abandonment.  If the child is old enough, the single parent can explain to the child that while the other parent no longer lives with them, he or she loves them just as much and that the divorce is not their fault but happened because mom and dad couldn’t figure out how to live together.

Stability in parenting arrangements after divorce is crucial.  Research shows that children who experience no changes in family structure, including children who live all of their childhood with both biological parents, or who live their entire childhood with a single parent, have the highest levels of adjustment. [2]  Children who experience one transition in parenting arrangements, for example due to divorce, have a lower adjustment.  The most vulnerable children are those who experience multiple transitions.  Settling on a stable parenting arrangement after a divorce can thus combat some of the negative effects of losing daily contact with one parent.

Many divorces result in a situation where the child has no contact with one parent — usually the father.  The father may have to move away because of work or a new relationship.  Or, the mother may prevent the father from seeing his child.  In these situations it is almost inevitable that the child will feel abandoned by the missing father.  Though having other positive male role models in their daily lives, for example uncles or older cousins, can help prevent the feeling of abandonment, not even good role models in the extended family can fully prevent the deep feelings of loss that the bereft of a parent can generate.

What Fathers Can Offer

Unless the father’s continued relationship with the child presents a danger for the child, all attempts should be made to guarantee a continued relationship with both parents after divorce.  “A father can give a child a sense of competence in the greater world, the one outside the house.  They can give a child a sense of adventure, a belief that they can and should try new things,” says Kent Miller, who has experienced divorce first-hand.

In almost all societies there has been a delay in recognizing the important role that fathers play in raising their children.  However, growing up in a one-parent family devoid of a consistent father figure can affect a child in numerous ways.  Little boys need the company of their fathers or other males because there are parenting qualities that only a man can provide.  Little boys learn how to behave as men by looking at their male role model.  They will mirror the way their father treats women, his moral integrity or lack thereof and how their father behaves.

“A father can model proper male behavior and help the children learn to communicate comfortably with men,” says Jon McGinnis, an associate professor of philosophy at University of Missouri, Saint Louis.  “As a father of sons, I need to make sure they know when it’s acceptable to act like a ‘guy’–the whole burping, farting, physical stuff associated with hanging out with the guys thing–and when it is absolutely not acceptable, as well as what is never acceptable behavior.”

“Speaking of acceptable behavior, boys need to learn how to treat women,” McGinnis adds.  “As much as my boys are oblivious to girls now (and I like it that way), odds are they will not stay that way and I would like to see that ultimately they are successful mates and hopefully become good fathers.  So one thing I hope and pray I am modeling well is how to be a good father.  Additionally, my interactions with my wife and the way I treat and speak about women should help my sons interact well with women and eventually become good partners or spouses.”

Little girls, too, need a positive father figure in their lives.  Fathers tend to give their daughters a kind of admiration and attention that mothers can’t offer: a man’s admiration and attention.  Girls who do not get attention from, or are not admired by, a positive father figure during childhood will tend to be more seductive and assertive in inappropriate ways.  Because of what they lacked during childhood, they will crave the attention and admiration of the men they encounter in their daily lives and will do almost whatever it takes to get their deepest desires satisfied.

“Ideally, a father qua role model will teach his daughter how she is supposed to behave around men and how she can be expected to be treated by men when she grows up,” says McGinnis.  Little girls will notice if their mother and father interact in healthy ways and if their father is treating their mother well and will mirror that behavior in the future and expect men to treat them the way their father treated their mother.

“Obviously these things are difficult to do in the case of divorce,” McGinnis adds.  “Still, if there is not some male figure teaching and modeling good male behavior, it might be harder for children to get a proper sense of what is proper/good male behavior.  A mother can tell their children how to behave or how they can expect to be treated by men, but it is completely another thing to see it played out.”

[1] Maryland’s Source for Attachment Disorder Related Information
[2] Divorce – Effects On Children, Effects On Couples, Effects On Parents