Family Rules

Every time I want to add another hour of work to finish a project deadline, sign up for another volunteer  activity, or venture into a new writing opportunity, I always stop and think, “How is this going to affect my family?”

Family is very important to me.  At this point in my life, I have two people that I’m accountable to – my fiancé and our son.  I try to mark down everything in the calendar in my purse and duplicate the process by putting it into my SmartPhone calendar as well. (This just keeps me on track.)  I know that at the end of each day, it’s the seconds, minutes, and hours that I spend with my family that are going to make it all worthwhile for my life to have meaning and for all of my dreams to take form.

Passion

Often it seems society wants to tell us that once we start creating a family we must revert to our traditional roles of family comes first and everything else comes second or never comes at all.  At the same time we are told that we live in a new day and age where moms can almost seemingly ‘do it all.’
My philosophy is that you don’t have to sacrifice your career and life ambitions just because you have kids but you do have to remember how they fit into the larger scheme of your new life priorities.

I began pursuing graduate school the month I found out that I was pregnant and slowly as our son has gotten older I’ve lessened my coursework.  Finally, after almost three years of work, I’ll be graduating in December 2012. You can still live out your dreams!

Sanity Matters

This is listed third, but it is important to remember every step of the way…superwoman is a mythical superhero. We can’t be in a million places at once.  The point is to find out what works for you.  Always remember to find a place of calm and ask for a mommy ‘timeout’ every now and then so that you can stay rejuvenated and keep yourself sane.

The ‘mommy’ balance is in no way an easy thing to accomplish, but it can be done. Try to remember to take things one day at a time.  You may find that those things you have committed to no longer fit based on family and sanity priorities.  Remember, that’s okay!  Nobody is asking us to be perfect. We just need to find a balance that works for us.

At first read I was a little defensive.  Then my thoughts changed to, “What a bunch of mindless drivel!”  After checking the comments it was apparent that I was not alone in my thoughts.   It made me wonder if the author, Paula Spencer, is even a parent.  (She says she is but this article sounds ridiculous coming from a real parent).

What parent hasn’t said these things to their child?  And, what makes the author think these are things you “shouldn’t” say.

I say we take a deeper look:

“Leave me alone”

Raise your hand if you’ve said this one.  (Does everyone have their hand up?  Good.)  Children can occasionally really work your nerves.  Even animals snap at their young.  You know what that does?  It teaches boundaries.

It’s important for kids to know that sometimes people need space.  There will be days when your children need space too, so yes, it’s ok to say to your child on occasion, ”Leave me alone.”  Actually, I prefer to say, “Mommy needs some space or time alone.”  Sometimes we need a moment, or we are busy, or we’d like to use the bathroom in peace.

Even the article states “When you routinely tell your kids, ‘Don’t bother me’ or ‘I’m busy,’ they internalize that message.”  Constantly telling your kids  ”leave me alone” is when it becomes a problem.  NOT saying “leave me alone” every now and then.

“You’re so”

You’re so what?  Smart?  I tell my daughter all the time that she’s smart. I shouldn’t tell her that? The article states, “Young children believe what they hear without question, even when it’s about themselves.”  Ok good.  I want my daughter to believe she’s smart.  So yes, I will continue to positively “label” her.

I do agree that you should not use negative labels when you address your child.  Children do internalize the labels you place on them, but saying, “You’re so (insert positive word here)” to your child is a good thing.

“Don’t Cry”

Honestly, this is laughable.  Don’t cry?  Teaching your child that having feelings of sadness and crying is a normal part of human emotion.  It is not the same thing as saying “Don’t cry” when your kid is blubbering up over some candy at the grocery store that you have denied them.

Children need to know that feelings of sadness and crying are normal.  However, there are times when crying is completely inappropriate, and sometimes it’s FAKE.  (Yes, kids fake cry, usually to get something they want.)  If you find your child is crying at an inappropriate time or just crying for no good reason, saying “don’t cry” is probably the best way to handle it.

“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Honestly, I can’t speak on this from a parental perspective since I only have one child.  I also can’t say that I wouldn’t foster some healthy competition from my children in the future if I decide to have more.  “Healthy” competition is not a bad thing.  Children most often have some sort of competitive thing going on with their siblings.  I think as long as the comparison is positive and encouraging, for example, ”Your big sister learned to tie her shoes at four, I bet you will learn at four too!” The result will be your child striving to do her best.  (It’s also positive reinforcement for the other child as well!)

“You know better than that”

So what if my child does know “better than that?”  Is it wrong  to expect her to act accordingly?  And. if she doesn’t, is pointing out that I know that she knows better and that I’m disappointed the same as saying, “You’re a pain in the neck, and you never do anything right”???!!!  Honestly, those two statements are NOT synonymous.  And to say so is simply misinformed. You should say, “You know better than that” IF your child really does KNOW BETTER.  If you have taught your child something you should have an expectation of their behavior and letting your child know that you are disappointed when they don’t meet those behavioral expectations is not a bad thing.

We have all done something in our youth that we knew we shouldn’t have done and when our parents hit us with the “You know better than that,” it hit deeply because it was true.  Knowing we disappointed our parents  made us want to not repeat that behavior again.

You should NEVER say, “You’re a pain in the neck, and you never do anything right” to your child.  THAT should have been listed as a thing you shouldn’t say.

“Stop or I’ll give you something to cry about”

Ok, I will agree that threats usually come in a moment of parental frustration, BUT, I won’t say they don’t work.  Every parent has to find a discipline regimen that works for them.  Every child is different.  Every child responds to different types of discipline in different ways.  For some children a time out is effective, for some it’s spanking.  Child abuse is never acceptable!  However, I do know that sometimes, even if it’s during a moment of frustration, if I threaten my child with disciplinary action when she is misbehaving, it works.

“Wait till daddy gets home”

Is letting my daughter know that her dad and I are a team at this parenting thing wrong?  Yes, I agree you should handle the issue immediately, but letting your child know that her other parent will also have a say in her behavior let’s her know that “WE” are a unit.  There will be no misbehavior that both of her parents aren’t aware of.  She will have a turn from both parents and we will resolve the issue together, as a family unit.

Having a family unit and structure is healthy for children.  Letting a child know that both parents care enough to have a say in their behavior let’s them know they are loved by BOTH parents.  (Plus if you have a “daddy’s girl” like me, just saying “I’m telling your dad” is enough discipline in itself.  She REALLY hates disappointing her father.  No other action is necessary.)

“Hurry up”

Must I really address this one?  Ok fine… pretty much the same as “Leave me alone.”  Sometimes you and your kids are going to have to hurry.  That’s life.  If you find yourself saying it all the time, maybe you need to reevaluate your schedule and what you are doing with your time.  Kids move at a snail’s pace, and most of us parents plan for that.  We know how long it’s going to take our kids to do certain things but sometimes, due to unforeseen circumstances we are going to have to “make haste” and you know what you will have to do?  Tell your kid to “Hurry up!”

“Great Job! Good Girl!”

Honestly, who says “great job” for every little thing your child does?  I think I can say with a good amount of confidence that most parents praise their children when they do something that is an accomplishment for the child, from “finishing his milk to drawing a picture.”

All children need praise and encouragement; it helps build a child’s self-confidence.  It lets them feel pride in themselves.  So go ahead and praise your kids, even if your one year old drew 100 pictures.  Praise each one.  You never know, maybe they will be the next Picasso.  I’m sure you don’t want to discourage that!

Parenting is a journey.  No parent is perfect.  We are human and sometimes will say things we shouldn’t say to our children.  We should always strive to do our best and correct ourselves when we are wrong.  Sometimes that means apologizing and explaining to our children our own mistakes.

This list contains things most parents say,  Most of us have also heard one or two of these phrases from our own parents.  We will probably say them again to our children.

The truth is, it’s normal.