Our second year will be even better.  Flaimahmy will feature more trendsetting and mommy-friendly fashions, more indepth interviews, unique perspectives, creative ideas and thought provoking articles.

In fact, we’ve only just begun!

Flaimahmy…A digital magazine…Redefining Motherhood

Once the last school bell rings, they are once again yours…all yours.  Now, suddenly your time is theirs…all theirs.  Quite frankly, this upheaval is enough to drive many moms to distraction.  The noise and the constant activity, all disrupt the tone and calm of the entire house.  Your precise weekly schedule becomes virtually obsolete.  Whether it is your work hours at home or your set day to grocery shop and run to the bank, it all goes awry when all of the children are added to the mix.  Your internal level of peace and serenity is thrown off.  You may be wonderfully happy to not have the added stress over school schedules, homework and intricate science projects but you may naturally feel overwhelmed by the increase in family time.

Instead of pulling out your hair and cringing each time you hear “I’m bored!” until September, refresh and renew yourself during what is essentially YOUR summer too. I’m not suggesting you leave out enough food for the week and hop a plane to Baja to sip cocktails on the beach (even though that could do us all a bit of good).  But, you are human and need a release, an escape.  You need to find something that quiets the noise and gives you that much needed moment of peace much like the feeling you get when that yellow school bus comes to a halt on your street on a beautiful September morning.

Some release ideas are easier than you may expect.  Take advantage of a warm summer night to go out on a date night.  Go to a movie or outdoor summer concert.  Since school is out, you may find it much easier to snag a babysitter even on a week night.  Take advantage of all of those relatives always wanting to pinch your kids’ cheeks. Call up great aunt so-and-so and ask if she would want the little ones for a Sunday afternoon or a sleep over—whether the kids look forward to it or not is not important. Even grandparents may jump at the chance to have the kids for a few days or a week.  If there is a distance to drive, meet halfway to make the exchange.  Or, spring for a train ticket which would be a great experience for older kids.

Splurge on a real spa getaway.  Dad could use it as a time for him to spend one-on-one time with the kids while you get the peace you need.  You could make it a day trip or plan a real overnight getaway with other moms who are on the verge of a meltdown.  Take a night class.  Community centers and adult education courses offer plenty of cooking, scrapbooking, pottery, art and dance classes for beginner adults.  Most are affordable and require a babysitter once a week.  For a quick and simple release, do not overlook the power of a quick walk.

It is very easy for some parents nowadays to over schedule summer activities in an attempt to ward off  boredom.  Not only do these children not have time to get bored; they also don’t have the time to relax, rest and genuinely enjoy summertime.  Some enroll the kids in endless sports, drama or day camps which are all scheduled back to back.  Others furiously drag the kids from museums, classes, lectures, tours, sports events and hikes.  This leaves no room for spontaneity.

The key is to successfully find a balance.  Balance in this respect, like any other aspect of your life, is easier said than done.  First, realize older kids, much like younger ones, still need you to set the tone and pace of their summer activities.  One way to do this is to actually sit down with them and ask them face to face, “What do you want from this summer?”  Make a list and research options together.  You can plan out trips to museums that actually interest them, summer blockbusters, art, cooking or swimming classes you can take together, day trips to the beach, visits with family far off and nearby, trips with friends and trips to nearby amusement parks.

You can also talk to parents of your kids’ friends.  You can plan group trips and activities that may qualify you for group discounts.  You can also work with these parents to take turns taking them to the movies they want to see, water parks or any other day long activities they may all want to do.

When making these plans, be sure to leave enough free time.  Remember kids are people too and they may change their minds or decide at the last minute they want to do something else.  Listen to them and understand as they grow and change, so do their interests.  Keep some semblance of routine regardless of plans.  Summer is gone in a snap.  Make the most of it before the bus pulls in and whisks them back to school.

Children love to be a helper and nothing is more fun than helping mom in the kitchen.  My daughter and I made a tasty dessert together.  It was so much fun!  Making simple desserts can be kitchen fun as well as family dessert.  Mom gets to plan and the children get to have play time cooking with mom.   You can make homemade popsicles or something a little more advanced like easy southern banana pudding using instant pudding mix, bananas, whipped cream and vanilla wafers.

If cooking isn’t your thing use household items around the kitchen for a little science time.  Be creative.  Make homemade clay with flour and salt.  Make a volcano out of the clay and paint it with food coloring.  Make it erupt and fizz with food coloring vinegar and baking soda.   Kids will love this and so will you.

Contact your community recreation center for arts and crafts, aquatics and maybe even martial arts classes.  Some recreation centers have gyms set up so parents can exercise while the children enjoy a class with their peers.  These classes will allow you a little ‘you’ time.

Don’t underestimate the power of the outdoors.  Outside is still the best playground there is.  Get outside and challenge your little one to a race.  Go down the slides and get on those swings.  Get together with other mothers and challenge the kids to a battle of moms versus kids’ dodge ball game in the park.  Show your kids how you jump rope too.  If available try a little tetherball.

Tap into your inner child.  You’ll be surprised how much fun you will both have just taking it back to the basics.  If you have a backyard plan a trip to the toy store and buy a slip and slide.  Summer will be over before you know it so have fun.  Take pictures of all your summer adventures and at the end of the season sit down with your children and make a 2010 summer memories book.  Let the fun-tastic times begin!

My mom died of breast cancer at the age of forty-one.  I was sixteen.   I am now thirty-six; she has been gone longer than she was in my life and I am five years away from the age that she died.

My friend put it best.  When she reached the age her mom was when she died, she couldn’t imagine facing a terminal illness so young, especially with two kids.  She related to her mom in a whole new way.  I can empathize as I face that milestone myself in the next five years.

I don’t have a lot of independent memories of her my mom’s final months.  My family didn’t share a lot of details, I suppose to protect us kids from the reality of what was happening.   As I have gotten older and with a child of my own I wonder what emotions she confronted as her health worsened.  Did she ever realize how sick she was?  Did she face the fact that she was dying or was she in denial?

As I watch my son grow every day, I understand how important staying healthy truly is.  I want to be around for him as long as possible.  I also know that it is a fine line between being a hypochondriac and watching my health closely.  I can’t let my mom’s death at a young age turn into a fear of my own health and mortality.  I have to let her legacy be a lesson and not a crutch.

As I face each passing year, I welcome the signs of growing older and the knowledge that has come along with them.  I wouldn’t change my life path one step, for it has led me to be the person I am today.  I embrace each birthday with a wish for a long and healthy life – wrinkles, grey hairs and all!

No, we are not talking about abortion or adoption.  We are talking about a new era of happy homemakers encouraging other mommies to raise their own kids if they can afford it.

The term “opt-out revolution” was coined in October 2003, when The New York Times published Lisa Belkin’s article “The Opt-Out Revolution.”   Belkin reported that nearly 40 years after the start of the women’s movement, women with prestigious degrees from Ivy-League universities were abandoning their careers in favor of becoming stay-at-home moms. The subject of the article has been one of the hottest topics of public debate, especially among mommy bloggers.

If you are not one of the insiders, it can be hard to get a good sense of what the mommy bloggers actually think about this issue.  So, I pulled some real (yes, real!) claims and opinions from websites featuring the most frequent contributors and media personalities in the debate and organized them in the form of an imaginary debate.  Here is the result (see disclaimer below).

Disclaimer: This is a fictitious debate.  While the individuals are real and some dialogue may be direct quotes the scenario is purely fictional.  The persons quoted below were not involved in an actual debate or interview conducted by Flaimahmy Magazine.  Their contributions have been edited for style to maintain flow.  As the remarks were taken out of their original context, the debate is best read as a semi-documentary.  All original remarks are linked to from the name preceding it.  Where there is no link, the comment is purely fictive and is added for the sake of conversational flow.

Our Contributors

Lisa Belkin is a contributing writer for New York Times Magazine, where she writes frequently about family life.  She is the author of “Life’s Work: Confessions of an Unbalanced Mom” and the mother to two teenage sons.

Leslie Bennetts is a veteran journalist and the author of the national best-seller “The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?”.  She is a long time Vanity Fair Magazine writer and the mother to two teenagers.

Jessica Gottlieb is mother, wife, controversial mommy blogger and media personality.  She has two kids, Jane and Alexander and a devoted husband.

Nataly is a co-founder of “Work It, Mom!”, to which she contributes daily posts about issues affecting working moms.  She also shares her own juggle between work and family.

Ph.D in Parenting is an entrepreneur, a mother of two children, a boy born in 2004 and a girl born in 2007.  Her husband is a stay-at-home dad.

Romi Lassally was a successful Hollywood film producer and then made the difficult decision to stay home with her kids after the birth of her second child.  She now has three children and is the author of “True Mom Confessions”.  Prior to this, she was founding editor for the Lifestyles section of The Huffington Post.

Leslie Morgan Steiner is an American author, blogger and businesswoman.  Her first published work was an autobiographical account of her teenage struggle with anorexia nervosa, published in “Seventeen” in September 1986.  She is married with three children.

Mommy Gathering

Jessica Gottlieb: … OK OK, enough small-talk.  ”What it really comes down to is this.  If a woman is so selfish she can’t stay at home with her kids, then maybe she just shouldn’t have them!”

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Wow, that’s some claim, Jessica!   “I have often thought I shouldn’t have had kids.  In fact, once or twice I’ve been tempted to rip out my uterus with my own hands.  But it’s never, ever because I don’t have time for my children.  Quite the contrary.  My worst moments are always when I’m spending TOO MUCH time with them.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  How bizarre.  ”I don’t feel that way at all.  I can’t comprehend not wanting to be with my kids.  I can’t understand not aching to be with them.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  If you want to “swing by my house to give my kids some of that nurturing you think they’re missing, honey, come on down!  Just get here quick before the neighbors’ windows shatter from my decibel levels.”

Nataly:  Is this really an issue?  ”Don’t we have enough studies showing that working and stay-at-home moms give their kids the same amount of hugs, that they spend as much time with their kids as stay-at-home moms, that kids who go to daycare benefit from it, that neither working nor staying at home is better for the mom or the kids? We all make our personal choices.  Period.”  Now, let’s have a drink.

Lisa Belkin:  I agree.  It’s not really an issue.  The study you mention, Nataly, shows that “the babies of mothers who work outside the home get just as many cuddles as of mothers who stay home, an average of 138 minutes a day, to be exact.”   There isn’t an issue here.

Nataly: ” A ridiculous thing to study,” by the way …

Jessica Gottlieb:  No kidding!   And besides, cuddling isn’t everything.

Lisa Belkin:  Of course not.  But the studies also showed that “the amount of time that babies were held, read to and talked to during the day” was the same regardless of whether both parents worked.

Ph.D in Parenting:  How did they measure that?

Lisa Belkin:  The parents kept a diary.

Jessica Gottlieb:  I wonder how working parents manage to put in the same amount of time.

Lisa Belkin:   I think they said that “working mothers who spend much of the weekday away from their infants become more efficient about creating time with the kids when they are home, and also the fathers are probably stepping up to prevent a gap.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  OK, so let’s assume the kids get the same number of hugs.  I still don’t get it.  ”I wouldn’t outsource loving my husband, why would I outsource loving my kids?”

Romi Lassally:  So, you equate “the hiring of a babysitter, or use of a daycare facility for the kids with the hiring of a surrogate — a hooker perhaps? — for [your] husband?”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Of course not.  ”I [just] can’t make sense of women who want to work outside the home, because by noon I’m pretty much ready to get my kids out of school or camp or wherever they are so that I can hug and kiss them and play with them.”

Romi Lassally:   But “working or staying home full time is not the litmus test by which we evaluate the quality of love a mother has for her kids.  There are plenty of full time moms who aren’t that loving and probably just as many working moms who love with a vengeance.”

Ph.D. in Parenting:  ”Shouldn’t there have been just as many men defending their decision to go back to work or their decision to stay home?  I think it’s ridiculous that it is still a novelty for men to stay home and that our society still assumes that a working mom = kids in daycare.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  But men usually don’t have the desire to stay at home.

Ph.D. in Parenting:  Well, “my husband is a stay-at-home dad currently.  He stayed at home with our oldest between when I went back to work and when he started preschool and he is now staying at home with our youngest and will stay with her until she goes to preschool.   But I admit it’s unusual.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  I still think that “if a woman can’t stay at home with her kids, then maybe she just shouldn’t have them!”  Why would she?

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  Jessica, if you “can judge me, I can judge [you] too.  My vote is that anyone who degrades other mothers’ choices automatically loses her parenting license.”  Hand it over, Jessica!

Jessica Gotlieb:  ”I will unapologetically say [this]; I’m staying home, and that is where I belong.”

Romi Lassally:  Jessica, the problem is that you “come out swinging against working moms and sing the praises and benefits of moms like [you] who choose to stay home.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  ”I sure don’t want the children of the future to have those sanctimonious mamacitas as role models.  Or, to paraphrase, if you can’t raise your kids to be tolerant of others’ different lifestyle choices, Jessica, then maybe you shouldn’t have had kids!”

Jessica Gottlieb:  My kids are very open-minded, thank you very much.  And Romi, I don’t come out swinging against working moms.  The other day “I said very specifically that we needed to support women who have to work.  My mother was one of them, my stepmother too.  The reality is that many women have the need to go back to work right now because of this horrendous economy.”  I am only talking about those who can afford it.

Lisa Belkin:  But most women can’t afford it.

Jessica Gottlieb:  It depends on how you look at it. “I was able to stay at home when my husband earned $11 an hour and we live in Los Angeles.  Clipping coupons and shopping at thrift stores were de rigeur.  It can be done.”

Romi Lassally:   Look, Jessica, not all of us want to stay at home.  Once my kids were in school full-time, “I really wanted to jump back into the work force . . . so I did.  And I love it!  And now that I’ve figured out a new rhythm for my life, I love it more and more every day.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Is it bad that I don’t want it all?  ”What is “it all” anyway, and why do you even want it?”

Leslie Bennett:  Well, “working mothers are, in most cases, doing the best possible thing for their children by contributing to the family income and maintaining their own financial viability.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Hmmm, “I don’t know how a marriage withstands two careers.  I’d like to know.”

Romi Lassally:  ”I work at least 40 hours week, but because The Huffington Post is a virtual company, I steal these hours whenever I can.  5:30-7:00 before the kids are awake; 8-10 after they are asleep, and so on.  I work both at the office and at home.  I love the flexibility my job offers but it’s often hard to maintain boundaries . . . as I do most of my work from my computer . . . it is always beckoning me — from my desktop to my Blackberry!  I need to keep up with cyberspace.”

Leslie Bennett:  You as well as I know “it’s not easy to be a working mom, Jessica.  All too often, mothers who work outside the home feel conflicted and apologetic about their choice, even when it’s dictated by financial necessity.  All too rarely do they receive the kind of validation and support they deserve.”  Even so, working women tend to be happier …

Nataly:  That’s right, Leslie!  And being a stay-at-home mom can be a lonely affair.  ”I had an interesting conversation recently with a mom I met through networking for Work It, Mom!  She is a successful marketing professional and her husband is a high-powered attorney.  They have two kids, ages 3 and 7.  Very early into our conversation this mom said something that made me stop and think: “I relate really well to single moms.  Yes, I have a husband, but he is never here.  He works from 7am until 9-10pm every night, and when he gets home, he is exhausted and is asleep within an hour.  On weekends he has client dinner or golf outings, and when he doesn’t, he tries to catch up on sleep.  I know he loves the kids but he works so much that he is not there for them.”

Leslie Bennett:  Sure …

Nataly [laughs]: A single married mom, that’s what she is. ” Now there’s a term I’ve not seen much in the media.  Wait, we’ll have a new mommy war soon, Single Moms vs. Single Married Moms or some other silliness.”

Leslie Bennett [smiles]: Well, “contrary to popular mythology, decades of social science research have consistently shown that working mothers are happier and less anxious than stay-at-home moms; those cliches about desperate housewives fighting depression and substance abuse turn out to contain a good deal of truth. Moreover, when full-time homemakers return to paid work outside the home, their mental and emotional health improves significantly.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Well, “here’s what I do for a living.  I take care of my kids and my husband, I play tennis and go to lunch, I tell you my stories on Whrrl, I blog about my family and sometimes overshare, I use twitter and I’ve got an app waiting for approval in the iPhone store.”

Leslie Bennett:  Of course!  It’s a full-time job to be a stay-at-home mom.  I am not saying it’s not.  ”I am talking about the boredom and lack of satisfaction” many stay-at-home mothers experience.

[Leslie takes a sip of her coffee]

Leslie Bennett:  And it’s “troubling enough when their children are young … the problem becomes acute as the kids get older … Teenagers assert their independence; husbands are busy with their careers.  At this stage in life, stay-at-home moms may find the empty nest traumatic, whereas working mothers with rewarding careers have ample opportunities for positive reinforcement outside the home.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Right, “those first five years when my kids learned how to separate themselves from me, were intense.  There was never a moment when I thought I should have been working.  Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of moments when I wished I was working outside the home, but never did I waver in my decision to be Their Mother.  Never in those early years.”

Leslie Bennett:  And now?

Jessica Gottlieb:  ”Now that the kids are bigger, they need me a little less.  Everyone can tie their own shoes and wipe their own bottoms.  My daughter can make herself lunch and my son is on his way.  Jane crosses the street herself and, soon, will be crossing Sepulveda Boulevard without me to hold her hand.  Truth be told, from 9 to 3, I play a lot of tennis, fuss around the house and prepare elaborate dinners.:

Leslie Bennett:  So, does your family need a stay-at-home mother anymore?

Jessica Gottlieb:  ”You might say, “no”.  With the economy today, one could argue that women like me belong in the workplace.  I should be supporting our household’s bottom line”.  But I ….

Romi Lassally: … maybe you would feel guilty.  It’s only now that “I am truly comfortable with my dual role of career woman/mother.  The first time around I was tortured . . . I was wracked with guilt and couldn’t balance my roles as worker/wife/mother . . . it was a disaster.”

Leslie Bennett:  Right, “between the stress, the guilt and the sheer physical demands of juggling family and job, most of us have days when we wonder why our lives have to be so complicated.”

Jessica Gotlieb:  No, it’s not that I would feel guilty.  Maybe I would.  But that’s irrelevant.  As I said before, I’m staying home because that is where I belong.

Leslie Bennett:  If you worked, you would be healthier.

Jessica Gotlieb:  How so?  I don’t have to deal with stress. I have time to work out.  As I said, I play a lot of tennis.

Leslie Bennett:  I see.  You probably see it this way then.  ”As a working mother, you never have enough time, you often feel as if you can’t do your best at home or on the job, and you have so many other responsibilities that taking care of yourself often gets relegated to the bottom of the to-do list.  It’s hard not to envy those stay-at-home moms who seem to have time to work out and take a regular yoga class … and it seems logical to assume that full-time homemakers, having unloaded the demands of the labor force, would be healthier than all of us frazzled working moms.”

Jessica Gotlieb: Exactly!

Leslie Bennett:  ”Surprisingly, however, the opposite turns out to be the case.  Studies show that working women have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol levels, and lower weight — health benefits that prove long-lasting.  A longitudinal survey conducted over 28 years found that by age 54, women who combine multiple roles as employees, parents, and partners were significantly less likely to report ill health than women whose lives did not include all three roles.  Homemakers were the most likely to say that their health was poor.”

Ph.D in Parenting:  That is, indeed, surprising.   “My children don’t need my undivided attention 24/7, and if they did, I would never survive.  They sleep.  They spend time with other loved ones.  They occasionally even entertain themselves.  I know, I should probably be knitting them sweaters, ironing their underwear, and baking fresh bread every evening.  But I’m not.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  OK, but all this happiness and health talk is not really relevant.  What matters is what’s best for the children and the family.

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  If this debate is really about what’s best for kids, let’s ask our kids.  Not a slew of judgmental other moms.

Ph.D. in Parenting:  It’s best for kids if they get a sense of balance.  ”I want to be a role model for my children.  I want them to observe how I balance family, work, volunteering, and me time.  I want them to be proud of my accomplishments and also to learn about the importance of balance in life.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  ”Over the past 12 years, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, a fulltime working mom, a part-time working mom, and a work-at-home-crazy-hours mom.  Do my three kids care?  Can they even articulate my status in these terms?  Nope.  Not a chance.  Whether I work or not has never made my children’s top ten list. My kids care that I’m available for them, I’m happy, and my family is stable.  Sometime that means working overtime.  Sometimes it means not working at all.  Sometimes it means changing my schedule to meet their needs.  And vice versa.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  You kids wouldn’t know what’s best for them.  Just because they don’t complain …

Leslie Morgan Steiner:   Jessica, “sometimes moms’ intense need to feel good about ourselves means we stoop to denigrating other women who’ve made different choices or face harsh financial realities.  But the truth is, I haven’t found too many other people who deep down can justify condemning other moms’ parenting approaches.”

Romi Lassally:   Well, “I am in an interesting position.  I was a working mom very young, had my first child at 27, I left the work force when I was 35, and now, at 43, the mother of 3, I’m back in the saddle again.  With this unique perspective, I now see how the battle lines are drawn, and frankly see how I’ve contributed to both sides.  The biggest problem as I see it is judgment.  I admit that when first a working mom, and then a stay at home mom, I definitely harbored a mixture of feelings toward the group I WASN’T in.”

Leslie Bennett:  Yeah,” it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener on the soccer mom’s side of the fence, where stay-at-home mothers are free to devote all their time to children and home.”  But, as I already said, working women who give up the hassles of balancing job and family in favor of baking cookies and planting daffodils aren’t happier.

Nataly:  Was it easy to quit your job, Romi?

Romi Lassally:  No, “it was one of the hardest things I’ve done.  I think much of the pain I endured when deciding to quit was due to both separation and mourning.”

Nataly:  Uh-huh.

Romi Lassally:  ”I think this is something very few people openly discuss because they aren’t aware of what is going on emotionally.  Leaving my professional life at 35 — to me — although I didn’t know it at the time — felt like leaving the person I had worked so hard to become.  I couldn’t even give up the many suits hanging in my closet, despite the fact that they were WAY out of style — can you say shoulder pads? — and after 3 kids there was no way I was going to fit into them either!  I think I felt that if I gave away the suits, I was giving away the chance of ever being the working girl who would wear them again.”

Lisa Belkin:  So, was that what made you return?

Romi Lassally:  Not quite.  ”I threw myself into my full-time motherhood with a vengeance, I even became president of the PTA.  And part of me really enjoyed this time of my life.  But I would be lying if I didn’t admit to a constant undercurrent of anxiety, I felt adrift without a professional identity and really worried about the future when my kids didn’t need me as much.  I was also unfulfilled creatively.  I couldn’t live completely in the moment.”

Leslie Bennett:  Sure, “working women derive a wide range of intellectual, creative and social as well as monetary benefits from their jobs. You’d never know it from all the cultural propaganda that encourages women to sacrifice their careers, but the truth is that multiple roles in life are good for women’s psychological health.”

Romi Lassally:   Just my words.  ”I LOVE my job.  But I also LOVE my kids.  The balancing act can be hard.  I just do my best.  Arianna Huffington recently reminded me that doing what we do — as women and professionals — we will never feel caught up.  You get to the top priorities on your list BUT you will never get through the whole list.  Never. Very sound advice.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  Right!  I guess “the bottom line is that as long as I’m not abusing or neglecting my children, it’s not up to [you Jessica] or other parents or our government to judge how much I work.”

Romi Lassally:  Ah, the mommy wars …”No doubt, working motherhood is a complicated gig … and I think it’s the guilt and the second guessing that keeps us divided rather than united” …  Anyone want a drink?

I just needed to get out of the house for a while.  I remember thinking to myself, “If I clean the closets one more time I think I’m going to scream.”  I was always looking for something to occupy my time and I needed more than the housework.  I taught second grade for five years before the birth of our daughter.  Our plan was that I would stay home for the first five years until she started school.

Don’t get me wrong.  I loved staying home with her.  I loved the lazy summer days playing in the yard and the walks around the neighborhood.  But, something was missing.  The days were long; my husband worked nights so the nights were even longer.  A part-time job would be perfect – I could get out of the house and the extra money would be nice.

When I brought the subject up to my husband he was very supportive as he always was.  He said, “Ok, if that’s what you want to do, we can do it.”  He understood – but then he always did – I was elated; all of my concerns were needless.  Yes, I can remember that day.

Both my husband and I came from families where mothers worked.  Our mothers worked at a time when men thought that having a wife go to work reflected on their ability to provide for their families.  My mother-in-law went to work so she could buy new linens and years later she was still working.  My mother went to work so that they could save for a down payment on a house.  Jobs were limited – they worked on an assembly line in a factory.

Now, here I am, thirty-five years later, a working grandmother and sadly a widow.  Reflecting on my decision to be a “working mom,” do I have any regrets?  No.  Would I do it all over again?  Yes.  Was it an easy decision to make?  No.  Did I feel guilty?  A little.  Did I miss out on some things?  Yes.

My words of wisdom.  First of all,  listen to your heart.  Do what is best for you and your family.  Remember that it will take teamwork to make it work.  As I think back I believe that the main reasons it worked for us was that we were a team.  We loved each other deeply and we cared about what would make each of us happy in life.  My husband was truly a wonderful man.  He understood my needs and we worked together.  Without him being a “working mom” would have been extremely difficult.

It isn’t an easy decision to make, as there are many things to consider.  Who will care for your child, or children?  What will daycare cost?  How will it affect your marriage?  Will you be able to handle it?  Should you work full-time or part-time?  Make sure that you discuss and consider everything.  And, remember if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out – chalk it up to experience and move forward.

Yes, you may miss out on some things.  Yes, you may feel guilty.  Yes, some days are going to be hard.  Yes, you are going to be tired.  Yes, your house may not always be as clean as you would like it to be.  But, you will take pride in what you do.  You will meet some amazing people and grow as a person.  Your family will be proud of your accomplishments.  And, the hugs and kisses from your children when you see them at the end of the day will warm your heart.

As I reflect back  I can honestly say that I have no regrets.  I am so very thankful for the truly wonderful, caring and loving husband who loved and supported me all the way.   My love for him will never end.

As the school year wound down, I realized my kids would be in need of a reality check.  Contrary to what I suspected was simmering in their heads, our home would not become a daily hangout for their friends; I would not be shuffling them all over so they could visit their friends and we would not be swimming every day.

So several weeks before the last school bell rang, I devised a plan to keep the kids busy while allowing me to put the “work” in work-at-home-mom.  If you work from home and find the kids keeping the “work” out of your profession, perhaps these tips will help you as well.

1.            Summer Day Camp:  If you can afford it, summer day camp is a fun option for kids and provides the optimum at home working environment.  However, this option may not be practical if one of the reasons you work at home is the money saved in child care expenses.

2.            Carve Your Space:  If you don’t have one already, set up your own “off limits” office space.  If you dedicate the space solely to working, you may get a tax break. If you do not have an entire room to use for an office, claim a corner of the living room, dining room, or basement to set up your desk, computer and anything else you need to do your work.

3.            Set Office Hours:  Choose a block or blocks of time when you will be “at the office” working.  Post them on a sign and tape it up where it is visible to everyone else in your household.  If you have a door, close it during office hours; if you don’t, consider hanging a curtain or placing a folding screen around your space.

4.            Communication is Key:  Tell your kids despite appearances, you are actually working when you say you are working.  Let them know it may look like you are staring off into space or surfing the internet, but thinking and research is part of your job (and yes, you CAN think and play solitaire on the computer at the same time). Explain your office hours and create a list of events which qualify as emergencies for which they may and must interrupt.  (I use fire or blood as key factors for interruptible emergencies).

5.            Plan Hooky Time:  One of the benefits of being a work at home mom is flexibility so take advantage of it.  Work early or late to create a few hours each week you can do something fun with your kids like go to the swimming pool, for a bike ride or to the movies.

6.            Put THEM to Work:  Create a list of chores your kids must complete by noon each day which will keep them occupied for a couple of hours (if not doing the chores, then at least keeping quiet to make you THINK they are doing their chores).  Depending on the ages of your children, they can put laundry away, clean up their rooms, do dishes, sweep, vacuum or participate in pet care.  This will also help create hooky time as suggested above.

7.            Implement Selective Discipline:  Be careful how you punish your children; if you ground your children from the television or video games, they will use that extra energy to bother you while you’re working.  Better choices might be to give extra chores, prohibit friends over after your work time or ground them to their bedrooms.

8.            Be Prepared:  Have ready-to-eat or easy-to-prepare snacks and lunches available so your kids can help themselves rather than interrupt your work.  Go to the library to borrow movies, video games and books to keep them busy with something “new”.  If you normally have a stringent electronics time limit policy, consider relaxing it or just implementing it after your work day is completed.

9.            Check In:  Plan to take a break for a couple of minutes once an hour or once every other hour.  It will give you an opportunity to stretch and to check in with your kids to see if they need anything. Tell your kids your break schedule so if they have something to tell you, they know they only have to wait a short while to do so rather than interrupt.

Integrating work and kids at home is challenging but with some advance planning and strategies, you can create the environment for which you likely chose to work at home in the first place.

Most women think long and hard about what they plan to do after the baby comes.  Some women anticipate the sheer joy of being able to be a stay-at-home mom.  They plan to be the primary care giver, spend their days strolling through the nearest park, joining mommy and me groups, shopping for organic fruits to share during daily snack time and generally ensuring that their baby gets everything a baby could possibly need.

Other women plan to return to their careers as soon as possible.  They, too, think long and hard about the logistics and financial aspects involved long before they ever lay eyes on their child.  They map out their maximum maternity leave, research day care options, interview nannies and plan out schedules with their bosses.

Both sides of the issue, to return to work or stay at home, require much planning and flexibility.  Both sides also typically fail to realize that all of those plans and preparations simply get tossed out of the window when that baby is first placed in mom’s arms.  The old adage, “Life is what happens when you are busy making plans” is never truer than when a baby enters the picture.  You can never predict what you will want to do until you actually bring that baby home.

The decision is as individual as you and your baby are.  So many factors come into play that you may never have anticipated.  If your baby has special needs, your plans definitely change.  Your finances may require you to return part time, or you may find you can adjust your lifestyle to stay home full time easier than you anticipated. The key to making the right decision, the decision that is best for you as an individual, is to be perfectly honest with yourself.

You may accept or disregard the advice or wishes of others, even the most well-meaning notions of your husband, partner or extended family.  If they impress upon you the need to stay home when you truly desire to work outside of the home, you will feel unfulfilled and as if you have no control in your own destiny, if you simply acquiesce.  If you feel as if you must contribute financially and stay on the fast track for job security, guilt will drive you to fail career-wise and also as a parent.

Ultimately, you must be content and happy with the decision you make or feelings of guilt or resentment will permeate into every facet of your life.  Equally important when it comes to the decision to return to work or not is to be able to express your feelings honestly.  You have to be able talk to your loved ones and weigh your options, wants and needs as a unit.

Don’t ever be afraid to turn to other women also.  While each circumstance is unique, the struggle with guilt of either staying home or going back to work is not unique.  Many before you have made the decision.  Rely on their honesty, trust in your own feelings and make the best choice for you.

When you do stay at home or go back to your career, you will be a happier, mentally healthier and more fulfilled mother in the long run.  Remember, a happy mom is the best gift you can give your child.

I am grateful that snow days and school delays are no longer the center of my universe and enough to set me in a tailspin before I’ve even had my first cup of coffee.

What to do with the children?  Should I call in sick?  Do I dare to leave them alone, unsupervised, while I slog off to work?  The kids are celebrating.  NO SCHOOL, hurray! Whilst mom is frantically trying to conjure up a workable plan that won’t get her reported to children’s services or shit canned from work.

No wonder mothers get loony.  Juggling the everyday logistics of parenthood is a real juggernaut.  When things are going well, which means any day short of a catastrophe, it’s do-able but throw in a snow day, a sick kid or a flat tire and you’ve got the makings of migraine and a mother who is stretched way too thin.

I remember the cardinal rule at the babysitter’s: Do NOT EVER bring a sick child to my house.

Guilty as charged, more than once, only to be busted later in the day when the babysitter rang me at work and said, “Did you know that your daughter is sick?  You’ve got to come and get her, now.”

Of course, I always feigned innocence.  Sick, really?  No, I wasn’t aware that she had a 102 fever and was spewing Pop Tarts.  If I had stayed home from work every time one of my kids was “slightly” sick I would have been staying at home all the time, job-less and income-less.

Hell, I figured my kids were contaminated at the babysitter’s in the first place so turn about was fair play.

I am eternally grateful that the only creatures I am now responsible for are dogs, whom you let out, let in, pet, feed, water and can then ignore, if you so choose.

I loved my children when they were small, but I think I might like them a little bit more now that they can fend for themselves (usually) and don’t need me to serve as their alarm clock, chauffeur, nurse and ATM.