Interview with Flaimhamy, July 12, 2011

FM:  Tori, I first want to thank you so very much for allowing Flaimahmy to interview you at what must be a very difficult time for you.

FM:  Let’s start at the beginning.  Can you tell us in layman’s terms what Incompetent Cervix is?

TA:  Incompetent Cervix is when the cervix at some point flattens, so it doesn’t support the baby inside of the woman’s womb.  You don’t know you have Incompetent Cervix until you get pregnant and they find that your cervix has flattened.  So, you don’t know you have it until you know you have it.

FM:  You’ve had two pregnancies that you’ve lost to this condition, the last one you lost at twenty-one and a half weeks.  Had you heard of Incompetent Cervix before your first pregnancy?

TA:  No.

FM:  After the first pregnancy can you describe your experience?

TA:  The first pregnancy was the very first time I had ever heard of Incompetent Cervix and in my ignorance, I’m thinking, “I’m a healthy woman, I’m a strong woman, I’m fit, I workout, I exercise…why is my cervix incompetent?”   Just that word “incompetent” seemed like a failure.  It wasn’t until I went to the doctor for my regular checkup at four and a half months that they found my cervix basically needed to be closed up.  They said I had to have a cerclage.

I’d never heard of a cerclage before.  That’s the process of getting your cervix stitched.  Just the very thought of  the doctor explaining that to me was painful.    [“cervical cerclage, (cervical stitch), a surgical technique that reinforces the cervical muscle by placing sutures above the opening of the cervix to narrow the cervical canal.]  Once you have Incompetent Cervix you always have Incompetent Cervix.  For any pregnancy thereafter you have to have a cerclage.

I did everything they asked me to do the first pregnancy.  I was very naive about the whole process but was paying attention, read about the process and what Incompetent Cervix was all about…and so finally… just did not have a successful pregnancy.

FM:  Do you know with what frequency the cerclage procedure works?

TA:   In talking to my doctor, other doctors and people in the medical field, really and truly, every single woman is different.    Every case is different, everybody is different, every pregnancy is different.  I had a cerclage; it didn’t work for me.  I didn’t know until later that there are different types of cerclage.   [For example] there is a  McDonald cerclage and a Shirodkar cerclage.

I’d never heard of it until this year.  One, in case there is an emergency, they can remove [the stitches].  The other, the Shirodkar cerclage, once it’s in, it’s in and you have to have a C-section [Caesarean section], and each subsequent pregnancy will have to be a C-section with the Shirodkar cerclage.

FM:  Which procedure did you have?

TM:  I had the McDonald cerclage.  However, any pregnancy from this point forward, I will have a Shirodkar cerclage.  The thing about Incompetent Cervix, once the cervix flattens it’s giving a signal to your baby that it is time to come out.  If you have a Shirodkar cerclage there is no signal to the baby that it is time to come out.

FM:  Have you learned anything about yourself, having gone through these experiences, that you did not know previously?

TA:  I think the good thing about this time around is I’m not looking for answers.  I don’t have any questions, I’m not looking for answers.  I wrote a letter to my children and each day is different.  There are some days that are better than others.  Sometimes I wonder.  After I lost my son, I was given the news of twins, a boy and a girl.  I just felt extremely chosen, so blessed and so chosen.  And then when I lost them I kind of went into a tailspin for a minute.  It didn’t last long.  The only reason it didn’t last long was because I did my absolute best.

Once you do your very best, there’s nothing left to do.   I spent a lot of time just quiet. introspective. really understanding what I was supposed to grow from, what I needed to learn and take with me.  I’m not angry.  I have a very supportive partner.  I just feel like there are even greater blessings right around the corner.  I don’t share my sadness with people.   A lot of times people will see me and because I’m smiling and I look great, they think I’m ok.  But the day before or even an hour before I could have been balling my eyes out.  I don’t share that with people.

FM:  From where do you draw your strength?

TA:  I think that life is progression and you can’t have the good without the bad.  But, it depends on what you call bad.  I mean everything that other people look at as bad, it may not be bad. I guess the strength comes from life’s continuous forward movement.  Certainly things happen that are not so good to us and you draw from it and you learn from it and you continue.  We all have to just put one foot in front of the other, slow and steady.

I’ve been working out, just trying to get my physique back…feeling strong again.  Literally, it’s one foot in front of the other.  There are certain exercises that I could have done pre-pregnancy quite easily and certain things that I can’t do, or if I do it I’m a lot slower because I’m healing.  Some of that can be emotional for me.  I take yoga and I’ve cried in the yoga class because my body was out of practice because I was on bed rest for a while.  It was a reminder of the loss I’d just experienced.

Doing normal things that I did before, either I couldn’t do or I could push through the discomfort.  It was the starting over and it was just emotional for me.  But, I do think the fact that I was there, the tears stopped.  I was like, “Look you’re here, why are you crying?  You’re here.”

FM:  Can you offer any advice to others who may have had a similar loss, not necessarily through Incompetent Cervix, but the loss of a child through miscarriage?

TA:  [Long sigh...] For me when people say, “I’m here,” those are some of the best words I could receive.  Don’t try to explain to me what happened.  Don’t give me your religious point of view as to why.  I don’t care and I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t really care to have a bunch of phone calls.  I don’t want to talk to everybody.  If I want to talk with somebody I’ll call them.

It’s a thing that doesn’t require language to me that I’ll give to someone else should they need that, should I see that they are in a similar circumstance.   Because I’ve been through it I can honestly say I understand how you feel and be sincere.  Saying “I’m here for you,” is enough.

You look at women with children, particularly small children, and you realize… I think… they’re so lucky… my gosh, they’re so lucky.  And, then I go and watch Intervention.  There was a lady who had a ten year old.  Because she was on drugs she completely neglected the ten year old.  The little girl was crying her eyes out and she just turned her back on her.  That makes me sick.  I think, “How did she get blessed with this little girl?”  She’s abusing her and someone like me is having difficulties bearing children right now.

I have that question and then it goes away because I can’t get an answer.  It’s not for me to question God or to say how come she gets to have it and I can’t at this time.  That’s not for me to figure out.

FM:  I saw an interview where you talked about (bear with me on this pronunciation) hysterosalpingogram.

TA:  [Laughter]  I can’t say it either, I just say HSG.

FM:  Well, HSG.  [laughter]  Can you explain what that is?  [More laughter...]

TA:  That’s something I also recently found out about. That’s a process of getting your womb checked to see if there are any abnormalities or scarring,  I had that done a few weeks ago and fortunately everything looks good.  Sometimes women don’t know what’s going on.  Some women could have had an abortion when they were younger and it created some scarring and you get pregnant and wonder why you’re having problems.

If you get an HSG that can help figure out if there are any underlying problems going on with the pregnancy.  They put a dye inside the womb to check it.  It’s painless.  It’s a process that I recommend for most women prior to deciding to have children.  Get it out of the way.  In that way it will alleviate any stress for you.

FM:  I know many women have gone through and are going through what you are going through.  Do you think that you will try to get pregnant again?  And. what are your thoughts on alternative childbearing options such as surrogate mothers and possibly adoption?

TA:  I am definitely looking forward to having a pregnant belly again and having a successful pregnancy.  I’ve been pregnant; I want to have my baby.  I’m not saying I want to be pregnant again.  I want to be pregnant and GIVE BIRTH to a healthy baby.  We are working on that…and hopefully that happens..,this year…hopefully.

As to alternate suggestions on having children, is that the question?

FM:  Well, alternate childbearing options.  There is surrogate mothers and also there is adoption.  I just wanted to get your thoughts on those as well.

TA:  I don’t have any problems with that.  They’re not for me.  In fact, I’ve gotten, what’s the right word, I get kind of defensive or irritated when people who don’t understand my entire situation, who don’t have all the pieces, suggest to me surrogacy or adoption and for me it’s like, “Don’t tell me that yet,” when I haven’t done absolutely everything that I can.  For me personally, let me truly do all that I can and if all else fails then I would look at alternatives.

I want to have maybe one or two kids and then I do want to adopt.  But, I want to adopt a big kid, like seven.  I don’t think anything’s wrong with it.

FM:  We at Flaimahmy definitely consider you to be a Fly Mommy.

TA:  Aahh…thank you.

FM:  Can you tell us in your own words what makes you a Fly Mommy?

TA:  What makes me a Fly Mommy is that I continue to keep one foot in front of the other.  Life is always progression.  My faith runs so deep and I know that allthough this is an unfortunate situation for me that God has not left my side, not for a minute.  That holds me up and that keeps me encouraged.  And, while pregnant and post-pregnancy, I’m right back into kickboxing.  I want to get back into my high waist trousers and look amazing.

I think all mommies, whether they are pregnant, pre-pregnant, post-pregnant, I think you should put effort in your looks, in your presentation.  I mean it’s all about being comfortable but you know, put some effort into your presentation.  Some lipstick. Go get your hair done, some cute Havianas (flip flops) and call it a day.  [Laughter]  No, I won’t let  myself fall to pieces at all!

FM:  Hey, you already know my philosophy.  [Laughter]

TA:  Exactly.  [Laughter]

FM:  Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers?

TA:  Even though I sort of feel loneliness, I do know there are lots of women who have gone through this situation.  Just be encouraged.  I’m fortunate to be surrounded by a lot of moral support and have a good partner.  Also, this could be considered a bit controversial but choose who you procreate with wisely.  DNA is important.  Also, you don’t want to be a single parent.

Some women know the guy isnt the right person early on and still choose to get pregnant.  Use your head.  Make decisions from the neck up, not the waist down.

FM:  Well, thank you Tori!

TA:  …That was a good quote.  [Laughter]

Tip 1:  Extend the life of your non-maternity wardrobe

Don’t give up your pants just yet!  Take a hair elastic and loop it through the button hole of your pants .  Use the open end to attach to the button.  Wear a long shirt, tunic, or jacket to camouflage your “make-shift pants-extender.”

Search your closet for all wrap dresses, extra large clothing, and anything with a little stretch!  You probably have more than enough clothing already to make it through your first and second trimesters; you just don’t know it yet.

Take a little time and search your closet thoroughly.  When I was pregnant I discovered a drawer full of cute t-shirts never worn because I thought they weren’t fitted enough.

Tip 2: Don’t buy any maternity clothes until you need them

Many women rush out as soon as they find out they are pregnant and buy a ton of maternity gear. You shouldn’t do this because there is no way to predict what size you will ultimately be during your pregnancy.  As you begin to no longer fit your non-maternity wardrobe that’s when you should shop for maternity wear.  So save your money until you need to spend it!

Tip 3: Shop maternity sales

If you haven’t noticed already,  maternity clothes can cost a pretty penny.   Of course,  being the bargain hunter I am I made a great discovery. Maternity stores stock their clothes just like regular clothiers, seasonally.  Search the sales racks!

If you follow Tip 2 then you will be searching for clothing you can wear immediately, meaning if it’s on the sales rack it is still in season.  I went to The Gap while I was pregnant and ended up leaving with about 10 items (all $5.00 dollars or less), and ended up passing all of it on to pregnant family and friends!

Tip 4: Buy stylish practical items that can be worn after baby gets here

Long tanks, tunic shirts, bubble/tulip & maxi dresses are all in style right now, and they are perfect for baby bumps.  So go ahead and shop in the non-maternity section.  You will probably surprise yourself with what you find and you will be very happy with how fabulous you look.  And the best part of all, you will have some cute comfy clothes to wear after your baby gets here!

Follow these tips and you will be a very Fly Mommy-to-be!

Happy Shopping!