“Among National Violence Against Women Survey participants, the lifetime prevalence of all intimate partner victimization for women age 18 and older was nearly 25 percent, and 7.6 percent for men.”

- The National Institute of Justice

October has been designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Unfortunately, Domestic Violence is familiar to many of us. Maybe you have been exposed to the aftermath of a violent episode on the news, or have witnessed family members sway between the decision to stay or leave. I’d like to challenge you to use Domestic Violence Awareness Month to open the discussion about how this social illness may have impacted your life. The psychological, physical, and sexual abuse associated with Domestic Violence is preventable. Take a look at seven ways you can stand up against Domestic Violence.

1.    Volunteer at a homeless shelter – Some shelters are for women and children only, and you may find that many of their guests are seeking refuge from a controlling relationship. One of the major struggles women face is that their abuser controls their money. If children are involved, it is even harder to sever the relationship by relocating because the abused may hold on to false hopes that her abuser will change for the sake of the family. However, the priority should be on today’s safety and well-being, not expectations for the future. Encourage survivors of abuse that there is a future for them, that there is hope.

2.    Drop off donations at your nearby extended-stay hotel, or motels – When a woman decides to leave her abuser, it’s usually after a period of isolation from family and friends. As a result of her leaving, the abuser may remove access to their joint credit cards and bank accounts, or disconnect her cell phone. For some, living at an extended-stay hotel is their only option. I realized how prevalent this is when I was sitting at a traffic light and saw a school bus drop off children at a hotel. Check with the hotel management and ask if you can leave toiletries, school supplies, or gift cards for their guests in need. Also, financially support local abuse prevention organizations and their efforts to help survivors. Poverty is a risk factor that can lead to revictimization.

3.    Teach others your skills – Employment is vital to becoming independent. Job skills such as time management, typing speed, effective communication, office automation, or budgeting are valued across industries. You never know what nugget of knowledge you can share to help someone with their resume or interview. Use what you already have to help others in need!

4.    Donate an extra set of uniform clothes or school supplies to your school’s PTA/PTSA organization – The PTA/ PTSA may already have a closet established for those who are having financial emergencies. This is a great way to help out children who very well may be your child’s classmate. This also provides an opportunity to talk to your child about the dangers of abusive relationships. Chances are, if the parents are abusive towards each other, they may also be abusive towards their children.

5.    Request Domestic Violence information on your job – There’s no doubt about it, domestic violence impacts the workplace both directly (the abuser may harass by constant calling, stalking, or trying to sabotage her employment) or indirectly (loss of sleep, depression, and anxiety can cause workplace performance to decline). And, as I’m sure you’ve heard on recent news reports, violence can also reach co-workers and customers. Check with your HR Department to see what resources they offer.

6.    Listen and watch – Listen to your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, church members, children, youth, and elders. Listen to their concerns regarding their intimate relationships. An abuser gives his victims the impression that their opinions, feelings or thoughts are insignificant. When you offer a listening ear, you are taking them out of the isolation of abuse. Also, don’t ignore physical or emotional changes in their appearance or behavior. If you suspect abuse or violence, then number 7 is your next step…

7.    Offer resources and report to the authorities – There are various resources that you can share with those who are at risk for abuse. However, if you are aware that abuse is occurring, then you have a responsibility to report it to the police. Other people who assist victims are court advocates, lawyers, doctors, school counselors, therapists, teachers, supervisors/ managers, or social workers. Remember that domestic violence is a criminal activity. Never excuse abuse as “their private business”, or make it your personal battle to fight. When attempting to help someone in need, don’t get in harms way yourself. Instead, let the authorities intervene. For additional information about safety planning and more, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). Or, visit their website: www.thehotline.org.

C. Joi Phillips has studied Domestic Violence Prevention at the University of Massachusetts – Lowell. A former foster child, she is the Founder and Director of the IRIS Initiative, an intimate partner abuse prevention organization located in Marietta, GA. IRIS is an acronym for Incredible Resilience and Inner Strength. On the web at: www.irisinitiative.com

For years I resented him for his extended absences and lack of physical affection.   I know he loved all of us very much.  But, he had a hard time separating his military service from family life.  I often had the thought that we were not his subordinates, we were his children.  I think he forgot that sometimes.

As a kid I didn’t understand my dad.  However, life has a way of making you grow up and see things differently.  Now I realize that my father had a lot of pressure on his shoulders to financially take care of nine kids.  He had to work a lot to support us.  That didn’t make it easy for him to take the time to relax and get to know each of us.

He believed he was doing everything he could for his family by financially supporting us.  As far as affection goes, my dad simply isn’t the affectionate type.  He shows his love for me and all of his kids in ways it took me thirty-three years to realize.

He has helped my husband and me through some difficult financial times without hesitation.  He is always there for all of his kids in that way and would give the shirt off his back for any of us in a heartbeat because we are his children, and he loves us.

Now, my husband is a military man.  While he is very different from my father, I do see some of my father’s traits.  Sometimes he has a hard time separating the military from family life. I tend to get on him if I feel he is talking to me or our children as if we are his subordinates.

While I have feared that my husband may turn out like my dad,  it would actually be good if he was like him in a lot of ways.  My dad is the rock of our family.  He is the one we always turn to in need.

I show love with words and affection; my dad shows love by helping out financially and in any other way he can.  I may not have understood that when I was little, but I understand and appreciate it now.