Our beauty does not fade.  It evolves.  As what makes us individually beautiful does change and evolve, it too can grow and become more apparent.  With this in mind, forget virtually everything you have ever heard or have seen about aging and realize that it is possible to grow more beautiful with age.

One thing that surely can make any one of us more beautiful with age is the fact that our sense of self finally comes to the forefront.  We no longer flounder or stumble trying to find a sense of style or project a preconceived idea of beauty that simply isn’t true to who we are.   With age comes the confidence needed to simply be who we really are in any given situation and circumstance.

We learn to truly see which physical traits we naturally possess are infinitely beautiful and timeless regardless of the number of candles on a cake.  Feeling comfortable in your own skin is beautiful and shows even when you are unaware of it.  Find what it is that makes you unique, be it eyes, body type, a crooked smile, or a contagious laugh and play it up.  Flaunt it.   Project it out into the world.

When you walk into a room with confidence, knowing exactly who you are, you automatically stand taller, smile more, and send out a vibe that makes your beauty more enhanced than any lipstick could do.

Also, as you grow older don’t just focus on those individual features which make heads turn but take care of your whole self.  Nothing is sexier or more alluring at any age than being totally and completely healthy.  Part of that youthful glow you long for stems from what you put into your body.  Knowing as you get older you are taking better care of yourself than you may have bothered to in your youth will project strength and a sense of power.  This isn’t to say you shouldn’t use those miracle creams and add concealer under your eyes, but also remember those little efforts need to be part of a larger picture when it comes to being beautiful at any age.

A major part of growing up and therefore growing more beautiful means outgrowing all of those misconceptions about youth and beauty. When you are young in age, you spend so much time and energy craving all of the attention in the room, many times for all the wrong reasons.  However, when you are confident, mature and growing more beautiful with age, you will command that same attention without effort or care.  And, you will deserve it.

The myth of the broken home should have been debunked by now so I had to check twice that I wasn’t reading a 1980s article from Google News Archives when I was searching for statistics on single parents.  I came across the following:  “[Single mothers] are probably responsible for more crime and poverty in this country than any other identifiable group of people.”

The post was dated March 19, 2009.  The more blog posts and news stories I read, the more I realized that most of the myths that have fueled people’s unconscious biases against single women continue to thrive on the internet.

Here are the 10 single-mom myths I most frequently encountered.

Myth # 1.  Single moms cannot give their children the same love and attention as married couples

Reality:  Two is not a magical number of parents.  What fuels this myth is the fantasy that “all children living in nuclear families have two totally engaged parents who lavish their love and attention on all their children, and on each other, in a home free of anger, conflict and recriminations,” says Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor at University of California, Santa Barbara and the author of “Singled Out.”

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Many children in two-parent homes grow up in a negative environment with constant anger, fights and abuse.  There is no magical number of parents, says DePaulo.  “When it comes to kids, love is the answer.  Single parents can give quite a lot of that.”

Myth # 2.  Single moms have less time for the kids

Reality:  Being a single mom requires strategic time management and a lot of effort in balancing family and work.  However, women who divorce sometimes find that they have more time for the kids after the divorce.  When you no longer have to devote time to a marriage, that time can be spent with the kids.

“There is always a way to make time for the things you love,” says Michelle Zink, a single mother to four kids and a successful writer.  Zink works hard every day but she manages to find time to write and spend time with her kids.  “Sometimes my house is a mess and sometimes we have for dinner what we lovingly refer to as “hodge-podge,” which basically means I’ll make the kids whatever they want as long as it’s quick so I can get back to writing,” she says.  However,  her weekends are devoted to the family.  “I run a teen book club through Borders and we meet every other Saturday, but other than that, we’re mostly around the house watching movies or swimming.”

Myth # 3.  Married moms pity single moms

Reality:  Single-mom envy is more common than you might think.  A recent survey by Babytalk Magazine found that 22% of the married women they surveyed feel single women sometimes have it easier when it comes to parenting.  Of these women, 76 percent “liked the idea that they wouldn’t have to fight with a partner over the best way to raise a child,” 69 percent found the thought of not having to work on the marriage, too, appealing and 30 percent thought it would be nice not having to deal with concerned in-laws.

Katie Powalski from “Moms at Work” grants that these are good points.  “I like that no one complains when I leave my sweaty workout clothes on the bathroom floor overnight, or that no one cares when I decide that it’s going to be cereal for dinner (again),” she says.  “On the other hand, even if married women only get an hour’s worth of help from their husbands each week, that’s one hour more than I get.  Do you know how many gossip magazines I could tear through in that hour?  Or, how many people I could follow on twitter?  Or, realistically, how much laundry I could fold?” she adds.

Myth # 4.  Single moms receiving public assistance are welfare broodmares

Reality:  On the August 19, 2008 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, which is ranked seventh in overall listeners, Neal Boortz described “single mothers receiving public assistance” as “welfare broodmares” lacking values, morals and ethics.  A broodmare is a female horse kept for breeding.  He cited statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau showing that, in 2006, women in Georgia who received public assistance gave birth at three times the rate of women who didn’t receive public assistance.

Neal Boortz refers to himself as an “equal opportunity offender” but I didn’t realize that he was also a misogynist.   Calling single mothers “welfare broodmares,” besides being an outrageous insult against women, covers up the truths behind the statistics, which is that middle- and upper-income women have better access to contraception and abortion and the privilege of being in a position to put off procreation in favor of education and careers.

And the term “welfare,” when used to refer to the public assistance given to single mothers in the U.S., is a contradiction in terms.   The highest rate of poverty in the U.S. is in families in which the head of household is a single mother.  For nearly three in ten children living in a single-parent household, the family income is less than $15,000 per year.  That’s $1,250 a month.  Where I live that doesn’t even cover the rent for a two-bedroom apartment.

Myth # 5.  Single moms cannot save for retirement or kids’ college

Reality:  Children are expensive.  According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture statistics, two children will cost a single parent between $118,000 and $250,000.  This amount doesn’t include costs of sending your children to college or any other expenses after the age of 18.

It would be a mistake, however, to think that people who didn’t have children will have an additional $250,000 in their bank account by the time they reach mid-life.  Kid-less singles and couples tend to have different life-styles.  As a friend of mine recently said, “It’s expensive to be in a kid-less relationship.  We go out to dinner almost every night.”

A second income doesn’t necessarily add to your savings either.  A second income means increased costs of housing, food, clothing, transportation and health care.  And, people in a two-income family are not completely free to decide what they want to spend money on.  They cannot decide to be frugal if their partner is a spender.

Myth # 6.  Single moms cannot own a home

Reality:  25% of all first-time home buyers are single women.  Single moms are not putting their lives on hold while they wait for Mr. Right.  “Instead, they are taking those big steps like buying homes,” writes Bella DePaulo.  Money need not be an issue.  It’s not about income, it’s about finding the right resources.  For example, the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development offers low-interest loans to people who cannot obtain financial assistance elsewhere and Habitat for Humanity offers to help people build their own home to reduce costs.

Myth # 7.  Single moms are easy

Reality:  A friend of mine, a single mother of three, went on a first date.  She told the guy about her children.  “Wow,” the guy exclaimed and for a moment he looked genuinely impressed.  Then his facial expression changed and his next comment was:  “Are they all from the same father?”   Needless to say, my friend didn’t spend another second on that guy.

Surprisingly, there are still men out there who believe single moms sleep around a lot.  Guess what?  They don’t have the time, even if they wanted to.  And, they don’t fall for younger guys babbling “women my age are so insecure, I love older women, single moms are really cute,” either.  They politely reply, “I totally understand.  I love older men myself, especially single fathers.”  When you are responsible for raising a kid on your own, you find out what really matters.  Men are third on the list after children and work.

Myth # 8.  Dating is harder when you are a single mom

Reality:  Dating is hard. Period.  However, for some men, [single mother = baggage].   How can you minimize the chances of running into a man who thinks kids are a deal breaker?  The answer: online dating.  Online dating gives you a way to sort good apples from bad.  Be up front in your profile about having kids, suggests Genevieve Nicolas Richards from www.SheKnows.com.

Gayle Peterson, a family therapist specializing in family development, further recommends that single moms keep their dating life separate from their family life.  ”Wait until there is a clear commitment to the relationship and potential for marriage before considering deepening the involvement,” she says.

Myth # 9.  Single moms couldn’t make their marriage work

Reality:  “Today many women are becoming ’single moms by choice,’ believing that their life dream of being a parent shouldn’t be derailed by the absence of a life partner,” says Connie Shapiro, a professor of family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and the author of “When You’re Not Expecting: An Infertility Survival Guide.”  She reports that Single Mothers by Choice, a 25-year-old support group, accepted twice as many new members in 2005 compared to 1995 and in 2005, one third of the people who used the California Cryobank, the largest sperm bank in the U.S., were single women.

Myth # 10.  Single moms are supermoms

Reality:  Single mothers have the same fears and needs as everyone else.  On top of that, many are still struggling with emotional traumas from a hard break-up, divorce or the loss of a spouse.   Shellee Darnell, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Irvine, California, recommends that single moms develop a network of people who can provide emotional support, baby-sitting and companionship.  ”Single parents with healthy support systems usually feel better mentally and physically and demonstrate to their children that it is OK to ask for help,” she says.

Getting back out into the dating scene can be a bit intimidating.  Things have definitely changed;  you are a parent now and your priorities have changed.

Here are some  important tips you should know before you get back out there and start dating again.

1.  Set Rules – Set rules for yourself and know what you want.  Stick to them the best you can.  You are a parent so things are not like before.

2.  Take Things Slow – Do not make the first or second guy the instant boyfriend, start playing house and have him pick up Timmy Jr. from soccer.  It is very okay to be picky and take your time to play the field a bit.

3.  Casual Dating or Serious Relationship – Are you just casually dating or do you want something serious?  My advice is casual date with serious intent.  I am casual dating but open for something more if they could be right for me and my child.

4.  Do not Be Desperate – Have standards and do not be too eager.  I know it’s been a long time and you can easily get lost in the excitement.  Sadly that could mean a lot of dateless nights but it ’s not really that awful because you are a parent first and a busy one at that.  Be patient.  When the right one comes along you’ll know.

5.  No Need For Kid Introduction – You do not have to introduce your date to your kids.  In fact they do not even have to know.  I keep my dating private and away from my son the best I can.  He is five and does not need to know the details, just that mommy is going out with a friend.  If you have older kids it is then pretty impossible to hide so talk to them about you dating again and help them understand and feel secure.  Let them know they are always first in your life.

6.  Do Not Take the Kids on a Date – You meet a fellow single dad, wonderful.  Then ideas of your kids and his kids playing in the park together on a sunny Sunday seems ideal, but NO!  Not yet at least.  What if the relationship does not work out?  Not only are you crushed but your child could be too.  They have lost a playmate friend and even an adult one if they were really starting to like the guy.  The idea is tempting; trust me.  This slides right into the next thing you should know.

7.  Make Sure He is the One Before Introduction – Make sure he is the one before you introduce him to the kids.  Take time and thought for you are not only dating for you, you are dating for your kids too.

8.  Date According to your Kids – Once again you are dating not only for you, but for your kids too if you are planning for a serious relationship.  Ask yourself  if this person is right for you and your child.

9.  Keep Your Children First – Always make sure your kids are first before the man.  As a parent we always put our needs on the back burner.  Our kids come first.  Don’t get so caught up in the romance that you forget them.

10.  Learn Compromise – While you may have made some rules and standards for yourself, love never plays by the rules.  So compromise sometimes but only if it feels right.

For starters, let them know you intend to start dating again.  Teenagers understand that their parents have needs. Younger children also understand that mommy needs a “friend” of the opposite sex.  Don’t be afraid to explain to them that you would like to meet someone.  It doesn’t mean that their father is being replaced; it just means you want to make a new friend.  You’d be surprised how open and encouraging kids can be.

Never introduce your children to a new guy in the beginning of a relationship, especially if you plan on dating more than one.  Bringing someone new into the lives of children is hard enough without complicating matters with short-term guys whose names they’ll have to forget.  It’s best to wait until the relationship has legs before the group trip to the zoo.

Although it’s important for him to get along with the kids, allowing a man you’ve been on two dates with to spend time with them, only for him to disappear is tough. Don’t subject them to that.  Teenagers guard themselves from new guys because they know that it might not last, so they don’t invest their time or feelings.

Do not allow your new guy to sleep over.  Late night visits are also discouraged.  Children, especially those who tend to wander at night are not easily fooled.  You can’t convince a child that it’s just a dream.  That does not work so don’t try it.  You will be caught, so keep it from happening.

Don’t behave any way you wouldn’t want your kids to.  Young children are impressionable and young girls mimic their mothers.  If she sees you bringing home several guys in a month, she’ll think she should do it too.  If she sees you representing yourself like Mae West, she will too.   Set the example of respect for your children to follow.

Your children are the most important people in your life so treat them like it.  Their feelings are important, as are their opinions and input.  Talk to them about the progress of the relationship.  Should they be expecting company for dinner?  Will he be coming along to the park?  The kids can be trusted with your feelings and they have to be able to trust you with theirs.

Developing a new relationship can be daunting, but in the long run, if you like him the kids probably will too.  Even if it takes some time, don’t force him on them and don’t force them on him.  They’ll get to know each other on their own terms and you might just end up one big happy family.

Written by two single moms, Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness, Ph.D., The Complete Single Mother offers first hand tips on how to make your single motherhood journey as smooth as humanly possible.  Throughout the book they answer some of the most complex and difficult questions about single motherhood.  They touch on important issues such as how to handle divorce, creating and maintaining a budget, what to do when your children experience separation anxiety and other issues mothers experience.

One of my favorite sections in the book discusses how to pursue your own goals while managing a household.  This section allowed me to follow my own dream of becoming a writer while raising my then seven year old daughter and two year old son.  There are helpful tips on how to maintain your own personal life without getting lost in the title of “mother.”

Another helpful section focuses on how to deal with household finances.  Chances are you’re not only a single mother, but a working single mother.  With only one income flowing in things tend to get tight…quickly.  This book gives you tips on how to create a budget, cut corners without cutting quality and get the most bang out of your buck.

I found the book helpful.  Life is challenging enough without additional drama.  Many people see single motherhood as unnecessary drama.  They may fault the mother for bringing a child into this world without what they consider to be a stable family.   I know first hand the challenges of being a single mother.   Even if I could, there isn’t a thing I would change about my decision.

While it may be better to some for both parents to be in the household, I feel that it’s the quality of the home that determines the success of ones’ parenting, not the quantity.  Do not feel  shame in being a single mother; you are more appreciated than you know.

You may have become a single mother by chance, by choice or by fate.  We all have underlying insecurities.  After all, “mother” isn’t a title you carry for eighteen years and nine months.  It’s a lifetime commitment.  That in itself is a huge pill to swallow.

The book is encouraging. With a little guidance, some support and the knowledge to back up your decisions you can make your single motherhood journey much more enjoyable.  Now pat yourself on the back!  You’ve done great this far!  Keep going!

Here are the rules from my own ten year old that every male friend of mine must follow if they are to ever see me again!

1) They cannot touch me. Hugs are okay…but that’s about it!

2) They have to be real. She’s not a fan of the fake…people included.

3) They have to be nice to me and respect me. This is a given, but it’s nice that she thought of it too.

4) They have to have manners. Opening doors and pulling out chairs is a must.  She went all the way back to the courting days.  There is hope for our future generation!

5) They have to love me for who I am. My daughter knows what I’m striving to be and makes sure that whomever comes into the picture wants me for me and not for what I’m destined to have.

6) They must love my children. Once again, this is a given whether it’s one of her rules or not.  We’re a package deal; take us or leave us alone.

7) They cannot lie to impress me. This is an extension of rule #2.  If you’re being real, then there’s no need to lie.  Besides, lying equals automatic dismissal.

8) They can’t cheat on me. It breaks my heart to know how she knows of this rule but I’m glad she does because that means she won’t accept it herself when she gets older.

9) They can’t hit me. Another rule that I wish she didn’t know enough about to say but once again knowledge is power.

10) They cannot ever break my heart! As she so eloquently put it: ever, ever, EVER!

I must admit that her rules are in alignment with my own.  Of course, I have my own reasons for them but nonetheless they are one and the same.  I make sure that anyone I am contemplating on seeing more seriously is in alignment with these rules.

If even one rule is broken, out the door they go.  It’s nice to know that my daughter has my best interest at heart at such a young age.  Therefore it is imperative that I only bring around men of high caliber that not only meet my standards but hers as well.  After all, she absorbs everything like a sponge.  I will only expose her to the best because I will only accept the best.  This is a dating trait that I will happily pass on to her and I hope she will use it well.

I had a very hard time while my husband was gone.  Not only did I have to take care of absolutely everything by myself, but I also worried about whether my husband would come back to us alive and well.  I virtually turned into a single mother overnight.  As much as I love my kids, being with them 24/7 while worrying about Matt’s safety was enough to drive me insane.

The kids were just old enough to understand that their dad wasn’t home but not old enough to understand why.  I was left to deal with their confusion, sadness, anger, and a myriad of other emotions that they felt because of his absence.  As sad and scared as I was that my husband was in a war zone, my heart broke even more for my children.

My 4 year old daughter understood that daddy was at work but she didn’t understand why he was at work all day and all night for almost a year.  My son Jack, however, just didn’t understand at all.  Daddy would call almost every night and for the first few months Jack would get excited and babble to him on the phone with a big smile on his face.  However, towards the end of my husband’s deployment, Jack would turn his back on the phone and cross his arms over his little chest in defiance and anger.  He didn’t understand why daddy was always on the phone but not at home with him.

How was I supposed to explain that to a two year old?  My husband had a hard time hearing about how his absence was affecting our kids; it broke his heart.  He missed them desperately as well, but he also had to keep his head in the game when he was in dangerous situations.  This was not an easy situation for anyone involved.

Finally, the day came to pick up my husband and bring him home!  The kids were staying at my sister’s house while I went and picked up Matt.  When we got there, I told him to stay in the garage while I went inside and told our kids that I had a surprise for them.  When my husband walked through the door, the look on Jack and Naia’s faces was absolutely priceless!

Jack looked confused at first until he realized it really was daddy in front of him and not a trick and Naia just stood there from the doorway staring at her daddy in awe.  When my husband crouched down to talk to them, Jack ran across the room and flung himself in his arms.  Naia was a little more shy, but I have a picture of her hugging her daddy.  I have never seen a smile that big on her face before.  Needless to say there were many tears shed that day by everyone.  Seeing my kids reunited with their daddy was like a much needed and long awaited balm to my soul.

Matt has been home for a little over two months now and the difference in our kids is amazing.  They are much happier and more calm and secure.  In fact, I have never seen my son and daughter this happy.  My husband is an incredible dad and plays with our kids all the time.  During those first few weeks he was home there were many times that I would walk in and see him sitting down on the ground playing with both of the kids and I would suddenly burst out crying with relief and happiness.

I always intellectually knew that daddy’s were important, but I never quite grasped what that really meant until I saw the way my kids’ world just lit up when daddy came back home.  I still catch myself watching my husband with our kids and feel this overwhelming swell of gratitude and love in my heart.  I am so grateful that my husband came back safely.

My husband’s homecoming brought nothing but happiness to our family and peace and joy to our kids’ little hearts.  Welcome home daddy, we love you.

There are no words that truly capture our need for our fathers to be involved and stay involved in our lives.  As I watch my daughter grow everyday with the love of her father I am amazed at their bond.  It is because of him she will grow with a healthy sense of self .   He makes sure that she realizes he loves her everyday.  She is learning the levels of  love first hand and it is beautiful to witness.  The life lesson of trust and when to give it is in full swing.   Showing what trust is and who is worthy of it is an asset she will not lose if taught correctly.

The first man she has learned to trust is her dad. He has shown her that trust should be earned.  He can be trusted with her physical wellbeing, her heart, emotions and flaws.  His actions prove who he is as well as his words.  Fathers are pivotal men in a young girls life.  Without them the road can get very bumpy.

When a man becomes a father and shows up not just physically but emotionally he is helping to shape a girl who will grow into a woman capable of seperating the men from the boys.  He is a protector and guide, showing her what to expect from good men in the future.

A young girl watches his actions and inactions subconsciously.  Often we watch how he treats our mother and interacts with other women around him.  He is the first to sculpt our thoughts of how a man treats a woman.

From childhood to the  tween years he goes from feeling like your best friend to what feels like your worst enemy.  He wants to know where you’ve been and where you’re going.  All too often he has to supply the good sense when you lack it.  Girls don’t always realize it but fathers really do tend to know best.

He’s much more than a name; he’s an action.  He knows when to sit back and let you learn a hard lesson and rises to the occasion when he recognizes he needs to rescue you from yourself.  Good fathers help you to see who you are.  He won’t pretend you are something you are not neither will he let you fall short of what you are.  You are a star in his eyes and he knows your potential.  From the cradle to walking across that high school stage he is there to mold you and to hold you.

As we make the transformation from girl to woman it is with his love that we go forward.  We enter into relationships looking for that same kind spirit, protector and guiding light for our children.  We look for all the wonderful qualities we first noticed in our fathers.  Often we search high and low for men who are hard workers with a teddy bear soft spot just like good ol’ Dad.

There isn’t a large enough thank you card for all you fathers of the world for being  guiding lights and your daughters’ first love.

Abandonment Issues as a Result of Divorce

Children tend to interpret the loss of a parent after divorce as a kind of abandonment which they are responsible for.  “A child thinks everything, good or bad, that happens to them is because they somehow deserved it,” says Kent Miller, a Seattle-based web advertising consultant and the father of an autistic daughter.  “So if a parent leaves, a child believes there is something wrong with themselves.  That belief can haunt them for the rest of their life.”

In a healthy child-rearing situation a bonding process occurs between child and parents during the first five to six years of the child’s life.  The parents recognize and satisfy the child’s needs and thereby teach the child that she can trust the people close to her.   The emotional connection with the parents gives the child the secure foundation she needs to trust others.

When this initial attachment between a child and a parent is lacking, the child becomes unable to trust others.  The child implicitly believes that she must always protect her fragile self.  Her concept of self prevents her from allowing others to be emotionally close.  She becomes extremely demanding and controlling in response to her fear.  Emotionally she feels that if she does not control her world, she will cease to exist.

Childhood abandonment can lead to life-long disorders such as avoidant or anxiety abandonment disorder.[1]  Adults with avoidant attachment disorder tend to avoid close relationships and friendships.  They have difficulties with intimacy and closeness and are more likely to engage in casual sex than to have sex in a monogamous relationship.  They have difficulties trusting others and cannot share their feelings with friends or partners because most of their emotions aren’t felt.

Adults with anxiety attachment disorder are compulsive caregivers and over-invest themselves emotionally.  It is as if they haven’t realized that it’s more impressive when others discover their good qualities without their help.  They tend to idealize others and idealize relationships and friendships.  They have a strong desire for partners or friends to reciprocate.  They desire extensive contact and declarations of affections and are preoccupied with and depend on the relationship or friendship.  The relationship or friendship is the primary means by which they can experience a sense of security and a sense of self.

Lessening the Negative Effects of a One-Parent Family

A single parent can to some extent ensure that their child does not interpret the loss of the other parent in their daily life as abandonment.  If the child is old enough, the single parent can explain to the child that while the other parent no longer lives with them, he or she loves them just as much and that the divorce is not their fault but happened because mom and dad couldn’t figure out how to live together.

Stability in parenting arrangements after divorce is crucial.  Research shows that children who experience no changes in family structure, including children who live all of their childhood with both biological parents, or who live their entire childhood with a single parent, have the highest levels of adjustment. [2]  Children who experience one transition in parenting arrangements, for example due to divorce, have a lower adjustment.  The most vulnerable children are those who experience multiple transitions.  Settling on a stable parenting arrangement after a divorce can thus combat some of the negative effects of losing daily contact with one parent.

Many divorces result in a situation where the child has no contact with one parent — usually the father.  The father may have to move away because of work or a new relationship.  Or, the mother may prevent the father from seeing his child.  In these situations it is almost inevitable that the child will feel abandoned by the missing father.  Though having other positive male role models in their daily lives, for example uncles or older cousins, can help prevent the feeling of abandonment, not even good role models in the extended family can fully prevent the deep feelings of loss that the bereft of a parent can generate.

What Fathers Can Offer

Unless the father’s continued relationship with the child presents a danger for the child, all attempts should be made to guarantee a continued relationship with both parents after divorce.  “A father can give a child a sense of competence in the greater world, the one outside the house.  They can give a child a sense of adventure, a belief that they can and should try new things,” says Kent Miller, who has experienced divorce first-hand.

In almost all societies there has been a delay in recognizing the important role that fathers play in raising their children.  However, growing up in a one-parent family devoid of a consistent father figure can affect a child in numerous ways.  Little boys need the company of their fathers or other males because there are parenting qualities that only a man can provide.  Little boys learn how to behave as men by looking at their male role model.  They will mirror the way their father treats women, his moral integrity or lack thereof and how their father behaves.

“A father can model proper male behavior and help the children learn to communicate comfortably with men,” says Jon McGinnis, an associate professor of philosophy at University of Missouri, Saint Louis.  “As a father of sons, I need to make sure they know when it’s acceptable to act like a ‘guy’–the whole burping, farting, physical stuff associated with hanging out with the guys thing–and when it is absolutely not acceptable, as well as what is never acceptable behavior.”

“Speaking of acceptable behavior, boys need to learn how to treat women,” McGinnis adds.  “As much as my boys are oblivious to girls now (and I like it that way), odds are they will not stay that way and I would like to see that ultimately they are successful mates and hopefully become good fathers.  So one thing I hope and pray I am modeling well is how to be a good father.  Additionally, my interactions with my wife and the way I treat and speak about women should help my sons interact well with women and eventually become good partners or spouses.”

Little girls, too, need a positive father figure in their lives.  Fathers tend to give their daughters a kind of admiration and attention that mothers can’t offer: a man’s admiration and attention.  Girls who do not get attention from, or are not admired by, a positive father figure during childhood will tend to be more seductive and assertive in inappropriate ways.  Because of what they lacked during childhood, they will crave the attention and admiration of the men they encounter in their daily lives and will do almost whatever it takes to get their deepest desires satisfied.

“Ideally, a father qua role model will teach his daughter how she is supposed to behave around men and how she can be expected to be treated by men when she grows up,” says McGinnis.  Little girls will notice if their mother and father interact in healthy ways and if their father is treating their mother well and will mirror that behavior in the future and expect men to treat them the way their father treated their mother.

“Obviously these things are difficult to do in the case of divorce,” McGinnis adds.  “Still, if there is not some male figure teaching and modeling good male behavior, it might be harder for children to get a proper sense of what is proper/good male behavior.  A mother can tell their children how to behave or how they can expect to be treated by men, but it is completely another thing to see it played out.”

[1] Maryland’s Source for Attachment Disorder Related Information
[2] Divorce – Effects On Children, Effects On Couples, Effects On Parents

I’m sure that as single moms you have dealt with the negativity around Father’s Day.  Either your child’s father is not around or you wish he weren’t.

Maybe your child’s dad doesn’t deserve to be celebrated.  So how do you deal with this?

If your child doesn’t have a relationship with his dad, have him shop for a significant man in his life, i.e. grandpas, uncles and godfathers.  Help him realize that even though dad isn’t around, he still has important men in his life

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If your child does have a relationship with his father (as mine does), take him shopping for a gift anyway.  Why?  Because even though you feel your child’s father isn’t doing his job, your child may feel differently.

You know what I mean.  Your son or daughter sees dad and takes off running, leaving you in the dust!  Don’t take it personally.  Your children have a right to love their father.  Let them.

A good friend once told me that even though kids may not see it now, they will see who stuck by them, who provided for them and who took care of them.  That did comfort me and gave me hope.

So this Father’s Day, celebrate a special man in your child’s life whether it’s dad, grandpa, uncle or godfather.  Keep positive single moms and stay strong!