While traveling between Paris and New York,  Germany and Milan, Patrice met and married husband, Laurent Macarie, a Paris photographer.  They have two children, a son, Aime and a daughter, Ambre.

Patrice is currently full time Personal Shopper and Fashion Advisor for Lord & Taylor, Washington, D.C.

Interview with Flaimahmy, February 23, 2010

FM:  You knew you wanted to be in fashion when you were just six years old.  What thoughts were going through your mind at that age?

PVM:  Oh, I was one that everytime I saw a mirror I’d have to stop and pose;  I guess it came from the magazines.  I was a fan of Beverly Johnson.  When I saw her in the magazine I said, “Oh!  That’s what I want to do.”  That is when the love or the passion started.

[Beverly Johnson made history in 1974.  She became the first African American model to make the cover of Vogue.  Her appearance on the cover changed the perception of beauty and the industry.  By 1975 every major American designer began using black models].

FM:  You mentioned Beverly Johnson.  Were there any other models or designers that you knew about at that age?

PVM:  I think Beverly Johnson was the only one that I knew by name but I was one to go through the magazines and look at the fashions and clothes and I just fell in love with the industry then.

FM:  After graduating from high school, you wanted to go directly into modeling but your mom said no.  Were you crushed?

PVM:  No and you know I don’t know what came over me but I submitted easily.  I decided, “Alright, I’ll go to college and then I’ll be on my own and then I can do what I want.”  But, no I wasn’t crushed.  I don’t know what happened there but she was probably suggesting or demanding the right thing so I just followed it.

FM:  You went on to Bennett College in Greensboro, N.C., graduating with a Bachelor of Science.  Your mother then gave you a round-trip ticket to Paris.  What was the first thing you did when you arrived in Paris?

PVM:  Oh!  Hide out in the hotel room.  I was really shy and I would say frightened.  There was a part of me that felt that and a part of me that was just very happy to be there.  Believe it or not I hid out in the hotel room for about a week gathering up my nerves and my confidence and then I decided to go out and see Paris.  I went to the different design homes, the fashion houses just to see where they were.  I went to the agencies.  I didn’t set foot inside but I was collecting my information to go back and gather enough confidence to actually go through the door.

FM:  Do you think you benefited by finishing college before going off to Paris?

PVM:  Yes, I am so glad I did.  In fact, I was introduced to a fashion troupe at Bennett and I worked with them and was able to gain a little experience and a little confidence.  Of course, all these years later I am so glad that I did indeed go to college and graduate.  It was the thing to fall back on and my falling back on that still included fashion.  I have told my mother recently what a great thing she did.  I’m certainly glad she pushed me on to that.

FM:  How long did it take you to get work?  Did you have mentors or anyone you particularly admired while you were there?

PVM:  As my career went on I worked with a designer, Pauline Trigere in New York.  First of all, I learned in Paris that that is not where you start your modeling career.  You go back to New York and you gain experience and so after spending almost a year in Paris I decided to do that.  I went back and that’s where I started modeling and I knocked on the doors and I walked the pavement.  I was really ready to go then.  I was hired by Pauline Trigere.  She had a fashion house on Seventh Avenue in New York City and she seemed to like me.  She knew that I was inexperienced.  She took me under her wings with hair, makeup, dress, just everything.  I loved working for her.  I became the house model, that means I had to report to work everyday almost like a nine to five.  When she had clients, the two models, there was another house model as well, would put on that lines’ clothes and model them before the client.  Of course, they were purchasing for stores and things like that.  So, I would say out of my career Pauline Trigere was the one.  She introduced me to getting my nails done, my hair and maintaining your look.  She would have the manicurist come to the house and would send me to get my hair done in her car with her driver.  It was glamourous living for a while.

FM:  You also did runway for Balenciaga.  Which did you like better, runway or house modeling?

PVM:  Oh, I loved runway and I modeled in Paris runway for Balenciaga.  That is a prestigious name and house and I loved that.  They liked me too.  In fact, I was hired as their model for the season.  I did their runway; I did television and newspaper work for them.  I love runway.  Runway was my first love but because I think of Pauline and who she was and how she helped me that just became a love as well right along with runway.  If it wasn’t for Pauline I think, if it was just the work, house model and runway, I definitely prefer the runway.

FM:  If a young woman came to you right out of high school seeking advice on a modeling career and told you she wanted to go right into modeling but her parents wanted her to go to college, what would you counsel?

PVM:  I think I’d say go to college of course.  But, it’s something you can do along with college and a lot of young ladies are doing that.  There are the local agencies.  If you don’t want to go professional so to speak, New York City, you can start locally and in that you gain much needed experience.  You can develop your look, your style, how you see yourself as a model, because I have learned it is about your uniqueness and not similarity.  If you can pull yourself out and make yourself a unique model then you are very marketable.  You have to discover what your difference is.

FM:  You decided to privately tutor your son and daughter when they were in grade school.  How did you decide to take this course of action?

PVM:  I just knew the atmosphere for school was not what I wanted.  I wanted to teach and hold an environment that included much more than academics I suppose.  I wanted to teach character and faith and things along that line.

FM:  Looking back do you think it was a good idea?

PVM:  Oh, it was the best idea.  The funny thing is it just came to me and I decided that was what we were going to do and then other things just fell into place.  I had to search for curriculum.  One fell into my lap and they offered every book, every science project, every art supply and computer as well.  That is what we used and when I see how they work, how they study now, I know it was a good thing for us because they need no supervision now.  They are motivated independently and they are honor roll students.

FM:  Do your children gravitate more towards the arts or the sciences?

PVM:  Would you believe my son wants to be an architect and my daughter a chef.  So, there’s a little bit of both in that, art and science.

FM:  You currently are a Personal Shopper at Lord & Taylor in Washington, D.C.  What is a personal shopper?

PVM:  Of course, I offer high standard, high quality service that one expects from Lord & Taylor.  My job is to seek clients who need that kind of personalized attention.   Those are usually people with not a lot of time for shopping yet want to definitely maintain a certain style either for themselves for professional reasons or for casual and evening affairs.  I seek out the client; I get to know them somewhat just by looking at them.  I kind of seek out their comfort zones for fashion.  I don’t want them in something that they would not be comfortable in.  Every now and then I push a little letting them know they can step out somewhat, they would look fabulous in this look or something like that.  I do their shopping for them.

In fact, the way it really is set up, it is by appointment.  The client comes into my office.  We go through different questions, what colors, what do they like, what are they looking for.  They can wait in my office.  I quickly go and select the items out in the store and come back to the private fitting room where they try on the clothes and hopefully find what they like.  That completes and ends their visit.

FM:  Generally, to what degree do clients depend on your guidance?

PVM:  Some quite a lot, some know what they want and need and just need me to bring those items to them.  As I continue I am keeping clients up with trends and colors and styles.  They do rely on me for that.

FM:  Who are your favorite designers?

PVM:  You know I love Donna Karan.  Donna Karan has that sharp style that I love to see women in.  It’s just a fabulous city style.  She tops my list right now, Donna Karan.  I have loved a few of them, Dana Buchman, Ellen Tracy, Rodriguez, Ralph Lauren, a few designers like that.

FM:  When you leave the world of personal shopping and fashion what do you like to do and what do you like to wear?

PVM:  Oh, I love comfort clothes.  I can get into warm fuzzy pajamas, plop myself in front of the “telly” for a good movie or a book and I am comfortable.  With family around me, then I’m comfortable.

FM:  We consider you to be a Fly Mommy.  What do you think makes you a Fly Mommy?

PVM:  I think I am willing to stand on my on, to stand on my difference and to share it with others where it might help.  I love fashion.  I love when I am presenting myself to people to look a certain way.  I hope that will inspire them whatever way that it inspires them to look a certain way, to act on certain things, to have a drive, a motivation to do some of the things that they want to do in life.

When your child is young they can’t get enough of you, they stick to you like glue.  They are very content spending all day and night by your side.  Somewhere around the age of 10 yrs old parents go from being their best friend to being the fuzz or the opposition.  I really do miss that mini-me that enjoyed everything I did, didn’t mind dressing alike and spending countless hours together.  But, kids need time and space to develop into their own person.  As much as I would like to grab my daughter by the arm and tell her that she is going to play Barbie’s with me whether she likes it or not, I know that I am better off conforming to the new her and learning how to enjoy things like the Wii and Playstation.

The Centers for Disease control reports that suicide is the third leading cause of death of people aged 15 to 24 and the fourth leading cause of death for children between the ages of 10 and 14.   As much as you miss that little person who you had so much control over its important to let your child do what makes them happy (to a reasonable extent of course).  Child and parent may not see eye to eye when it comes to things like wardrobe, music and TV shows but honestly there are more important things to bump heads on, like keeping up good grades, staying away from drugs and alcohol and so on.

My daughter often tells me that I don’t let her express herself through music because I refuse to listen to anything other than “my” playlist in the car.  She can express herself all she wants with her headphones.  I may not oppose the music, but that doesn’t mean that I have to embrace it.

When you are a new parent, people always tell you that it gets easier every day but I still haven’t gotten to that point where I think, “This is easy.”  I am currently dreading the day that I have to have the birds and the bees conversation with her, which I know is RIGHT around the corner.  For the last few years I’ve just told her that boys stink and to stay far away from them.  My daughter isn’t technically a teen yet but I know that won’t work much longer, especially when she finds out that they actually smell pretty darn good.

Nowadays, I find myself repeating the same phrase my parents once told me, “Just wait until you have kids.”  Hahaha, I’ve become my mother.  I’m ok with that because I now realize that she was and still is pretty darn cool.

What I never expected was the little green-eyed monster that possessed my son the moment he found out I was dating.  I felt watched, like my son was actually Big Brother.

The few times a date actually progressed to the level of spending time with me and my son, he would turn into Mr. Demando, calling my name every few minutes. Suddenly, my son would need me for this and need me for that.  He would work himself in between my date and I wherever we were sitting.  Countless “Mom, watch!” shouts interrupted conversations.  Suddenly, my own pre-teen son was like an insecure lover.  “Who called you?  Again?!  Where are you going?  When are you going to be home?  Is that what you’re wearing?!”  He would try to tell me what my dating time limits were.

At first I was annoyed and reacted in kind.  Who was this little offspring of mine who thought he could question my private life?  Why was he acting like a little brat?! You’d think he was jealous or someth….ah ha!  He’s JEALOUS!

So I went and did some research. I discovered that it is completely normal for a son to be jealous.  And, what is jealously but categorized FEAR?

To understand his behavior, I tried to look at myself from my son’s perspective.  What my son saw was his nurturer,  provider, kisser of boo-boos and ever-available playmate become distracted, on the phone giggling, on the computer repeating “just a minute” twenty or so times.  He saw her go out dressed in fancy clothes, not shorts and a t-shirt like she used to wear all the time.  He watched her leave at dinner time instead of eat with him and stay gone until after he fell asleep.  Then, he had to meet some guy she brought home and be nice to him, too.  The guy starts spending more and more time with his mom and his mom with him.  Will his mom forget she has a son?  Would this guy take her away from him, too?  I mean, she was mine first!

I began to consider my son’s perspective about my dating life and although I had been trying to keep my dating activities private, I hadn’t been very successful and I decided to limit phone conversations and chatting until after he had gone to sleep or was away from home.

Being an “open and liberal” mother, I also chose to have an age-appropriate conversation with my son about some unavoidable facts:

• I am a single adult woman and I will date single adult men.  I need friends my own age.  When I think he needs to know more, I will tell him.
• Everyone is entitled to privacy, even mothers.   Even though everything is open for discussion, in the end, I am the parent and he is the child and that is that.
• I get two date nights each week.  The rest of the time belongs to my son.
• His opinion is extremely important to me and I will always ask for it and consider it.
• No one will ever, ever come between us.  Ever.
• No one will ever, ever make me love him less.  Ever.

So far, I think it’s working.  The last time I had a date and my son asked me, “Is that what you’re wearing?!” he asked because he thought I should change into something nicer.  He wanted me to dress to impress.  He was right.

Raising a child isn’t all about helping to bear the financial burden, it’s about being there for emotional support, building lasting memories and offering a different perspective on the world. With my child’s father, the anger that I felt wasn’t because of his lack of financial support because I earned enough to give my daughter everything she needed, although we had to forego certain things she wanted such as a pony and trips to the moon.  How do you explain to a child why they don’t have two parents like some of their classmates or the people on TV?  How do you explain why daddy or in some cases mommy isn’t around? My daughter has met her father on several occasions but she doesn’t truly “know him”. He has made a handful of attempts to get involved in her life. On one hand I want to deny him the convenience of being able to pop in and out of her life; on the other hand I do not want to deny her the opportunity to get to know her father, if only briefly.

As a single parent I often wonder if being raised in a single parent household will hinder my child from reaching her maximum potential for greatness.  I am blessed to have strong men in my family who love my daughter dearly and have gladly stepped in when it comes to male love, bonding time and support. When I have those moments of doubt, I think about all the people who have risen to greatness that were raised in nontraditional households. The greatest example being our President, Mr. Barack Obama, who was raised by a single mother and then by his grandparents.

I’m curious if later on in life when my daughter is grown up, if her father will come around wanting to make amends. It’s amazing how many celebrities were raised by one parent and have had their absent parent return later in life. That goes to show that a single parent can easily raise a well rounded and successful child, but how unfair is it that the parent who jumped ship decades ago gets to come back and bask in the joys of having a fully grown child and possibly a daughter- or son-in-law and grandchildren?

I’ve come to realize that I can’t truthfully answer those questions that have been and will be asked by my child. I can neither tear down nor build up the absent parent. All I can do is love my child twice as much and do whatever I can to minimize the hurt she may feel.

We will approach this subject in a very unique way; we will state the problems so that you are forced to pursue the solution.  Here we have stated a list of “don’t’s.”  If you study and know these rules, then it will be much easier to understand what you should do as a single parent when it comes to dating.

DON’T'S:

DON’T ever assume that every person you meet and have “chemistry” with will understand your plight as a single parent.  Most people put their best foot forward for the first time they meet you.  Make sure you always remain truthful to yourself because if you ask the right questions, you will always find the real person lying beneath the outer shell.  True character can NEVER be hidden for long.

DON’T ever take it lightly when your closest friends or relatives do not like the person you are spending time with.  Now this is not to say that you totally rely on whatever your family and friends think about someone because, yes, they can be wrong.  However, if your best friend detests a certain person you choose to date, there’s probably a really good reason for it.  You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their five closest friends.  Being involved so closely with someone, you are less likely to see some undesirable character trait.  Your best friend or family are sure to point them out.

DON’T take them around your children too soon.  Now, this one may sound like a given but sometimes, the individual will allow you to feel so comfortable with them that you feel like they just may be the “real deal.”  You feel that taking them around your children will not do any harm.  YES IT WILL!!!  Because, what happens when the honeymoon phase is over and you cannot stand to be in the same city as this person?   Then you have let your children down because this person is gone.  Do yourself and your children a favor, DON’T.

DON’T ever let desperate rule your choices and decisions.  Yes, it’s understandable that oftentimes you may get frustrated and tired of being and doing it alone.  But, this is when you are least likely to make rational decisions.  So whenever you feel like your loneliness is getting the best of you, DON’T!

DON’T ever ignore that feeling inside of you that states that something about the person/relationship is not right.  Most of the time, whatever you are feeling is the TRUTH!  Most people show you exactly who they are right from the moment you meet them.  If you choose to walk blindly and or act out of pure loneliness and desperation, then you will remain with someone that you are not happy with until ultimately one of you decides to end the relationship.  Then you are right back where you started.

If you follow these simple but very powerful rules of how NOT to approach dating, then you will find that you make a lot wiser choices and decisions.

I can count the number of dates I had while I was in high school on my right hand.  Dating today is an other-worldly experience.  Although at forty, I didn’t have a lot of dating experience under my belt, I knew enough to know I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

Agreeing to go on a date with a man today seems to be perceived as another way of saying, “Why sure, we’ll have sex tonight!”  Gone are the days when a man “courted” a woman. (Ok, yes, I do feel corny even using that word).  Gone are the days when the idea of expecting to be kissed, let alone have sex with a woman, on a first date was a ludicrous thought.

For me, dating today feels like being caught in Cat 5 rapids trying to make your way back to the shore.  Not only does dating these days require the same rigorous effort as swimming against a strong current, for me, it induces the same, “I’m gonna drown!” panicky feelings.

Why isn’t there a BEST GUY store where I can special order exactly what I want, pick it up and take it home?  I’d gladly pay for a quality product AND the extended warranty that comes with it, if it meant I could avoid going on one more date, worse, several, with what ends up being a malfunctioning piece of equipment and realizing that I have squandered my time and emotional energy again.

It’s been nearly six years since I jumped in the dating river.  I’ve had a couple of near misses—rafts with slow leaks, you could say.  So I think I have some wisdom to share about avoiding dating pitfalls, especially if you are in the long-term relationship market.  A word of wisdom:  If it sounds like a worn out cliché, it’s because it is. Clichés are just beat up truths.

1. First and foremost:  Define what you want in a relationship.  Be faithful to that.  Know what your deal breakers and red flags are.  Stay on alert.  TRUST YOUR INTUITION.
2. Women’s empowerment be damned.  There is something necessary about letting him call/email/text/chat with you first.
3. No matter how much you like the guy or lust after him, you must make him work to get you.  Hard.  I have learned the hard way that they instinctually need this.  It may mean canceling a date or being too busy for the first two weeks after you meet, but you’ll find out if he’s the kind of guy who will make the effort for you now…and later.
4. Don’t eagerly return every call/email/text/chat.
5. Avoid that “I’m such a gullible idiot/I’ve been used again” feeling.  Make it clear that you are a “10-Date Minimum Woman” and stick to it.
6. When you do finally decide to go on a date, depending on how well you know him, get yourself there.  Tell at least one friend where you are going and with whom.
7. Do not dress to kill. Dress to express who you are and how you want to be perceived.
8. Have a plan for ending the date early if you need to.  For example, you might arrange to send a code text to a friend who will then call you to tell you about an emergency. Get it?
9. Do not drink more than one or two cocktails or glasses of wine.  Period.  Do I have to explain why?
10. Ask questions and pay attention to what he says, not your vajayjay, who is whining because she hasn’t had a play date in six months.  See #12 and go out and invest in a “pacifier.”
11. Notice whose doing all the talking.  Does he ask you questions about your life?  Does he fully answer your questions?  Is there a lot of laughter?  Do you “play well” off of each other?  If not, ask yourself “Why am I still here?” and see #8.
12. No matter how great the date went or how great your lust, DO NOT engage in any sexual activity—that means no making out, no copping feels, no blowjobs.  Nada.   Be warm, flirtatious, friendly and encouraging, but please, be different.  Be unexpected.  Be intriguing.  Be anything but common and easy as so many women are these days.
13. When the date is over, go home.  By yourself.  Let it settle.  Mull it over.  Hit replay.
14. If he calls/emails/texts/chats with you to thank you for the date, score one point for him.  If he doesn’t, write him off as classless.  Then, if he contacts you later for another date, at the very least, hesitate.  Tell him you’ll get back with him.  Let him sweat.
15. Start over again at #4.  By the time you reach the magical 10th date you should know whether or not he’s a keeper.  Never try to be “good enough” for him.  Decide if he’s good enough for you.  There’s a difference.  Trust me.
16. Never give your feelings of love away until  1) he does and  2) you truly feel it.

Happy swimming!  Keep your heads up!

Correction.

Girlfriend.

Single.  Not plural.

I have never been a group girl, a member of a posse.  I don’t know why.  It wasn’t by design.  In fact, I’m rather solitary by nature and don’t hobnob that much at all, which I suppose could be some kind of innate recluse issue that was genetically passed on to me, along with the god-awful frowsy hair and propensity to drink a lot of beer and spew four letter words with abandon.

I am fascinated by women who run in groups and also a little bit … horrified as in … why would you WANT to do THAT?  I don’t get it but that’s my concern.

“The TEN of us went shopping.” “The EIGHT of us spent a week on the beach in Florida.”  “The FIVE of us got drunker than loons in Vegas.”

Really?  Hmmm.

Let me think on that.

I am not criticizing.  I realize that I am the oddball here, the crazy old aunt or neighbor who sits in her house and weaves and writes and paints and plants things, talks to dogs and 11-month-old babies and takes too many naps.  I don’t have a crew, an assemblage.  If it weren’t for my husband and my dogs I could probably be dead for a fortnight before anyone would notice.  Okay, that’s a stretch but …

… I’m coming from the perspective that spending five days with five women anywhere would be akin to … well, not something pleasant for me.  And, that’s my ‘bad’ as the kids would say.  It is no reflection on the other five.

I have a life-long friend, who is in the thick of a group of country club women.  The golf set.  I hate golf.  She is the cutest thing going and always has been.  At a party, she showed up in the most god-awful ensemble.  I couldn’t stop staring.  She looked like some middle-aged something or other who was decked out to play golf on a Scottish golf course.  She wore knee length plaid shorts that even Shakira could not have successfully pulled off.   Now, keep in mind, she has an excellent body… for a 57 year old woman.

The person I was sitting with, a man, in fact, said, “What in the hell is she wearing?”

She later came over to our table and he asked, point blank.  She said that her ‘friends,’ that would be the country club set, told her that she needed to wear “more appropriate” clothing.  I threw my head back in gales of laughter.  Sabotaged by ones “best” friends.  The guy said, “Good, God, put on your regular clothes.  You look awful.”  And she did.  Awful and ridiculous.

I thought, how revolting and typical that a group of green-eyed 50-something women would tell the one cute one in the bunch, who could still wear revealing shorts and turn some heads, that she was dressing inappropriately.

And, worse yet, she did as they instructed and ended up looking like … well, if I knew the name of some 65-year-old dorky male golfer I would use it!

My friend, my soul mate, is as reclusive, eccentric and kooky as I am.  We’re not Rat Packers or members of any other pack.  That suits us just fine, oddballs that we are.  Some would say that inappropriate is our middle name.  I like her bizarre clothing and she likes mine.

I will leave the herd, the posse, the group, to someone else.

Try all you want, but you can’t love someone else until you really love yourself.  You can’t really love yourself until you really know yourself.  You can’t really know yourself until you spend ample time on your own, swirling around the debris that gets dropped in your own personal stream.

Realizing that I had never truly loved myself and this fact alone had been the underlying cause of all of my failed relationships came as a shocking epiphany for me. Some things you learn in bite-sized morsels along the way, each morsel building on the last until you acquire a full understanding.  Learning that the love I thought I had for myself went no deeper than the layer of my own skin landed me into a heaving heap on my bedroom floor one morning, a long time ago.

I used to journal every night.  I still should, because journaling is magical.  I believe consistent, honest journaling could probably put most of the psychotherapy professionals out of work.  I believe this because I also believe that we already possess all of the answers and guidance we need from the Universe, God, Buddha or whatever deity in which (or whom) you believe.  It’s all there, like our abdominal muscles.  Exercise them and they become strong, apparent and defined.  Don’t and they are formless, shapeless and of little assistance to you.

Here is an excerpt of what I wrote in my journal that morning (minus the inky tear stains):

“This morning I woke up in that all-too-familiar place: the pit. I had that ongoing, relentless sensation in my stomach of needing to cry, but couldn’t.

I know I need to learn to love myself, but I don’t know how.  How do I get it out of my head and into my heart?  How do I own it?  I’ve been asking myself these questions and I woke up with a stark realization today.

I am tired.

I am tired of criticizing myself at every turn.  I am tired of pushing myself to be perfect the way the world and our society defines perfect.  I am tired of trying to be the best at everything, just to consider myself worthy. I am tired of disowning myself.  I am tired of abandoning myself because I don’t have a 16-year old body and skin anymore.

I saw myself doing all that I do to be worthy and having it NEVER BE ENOUGH.  I realized that it wasn’t that it wasn’t enough for those who cared for me.  They never expected any of it.  It was simply never enough for ME.

It occurred to me to thank myself, my body, my mind, for all that they do for me and to apologize for the self-betrayal and finally, to say “I love you” to me.  It was in that moment that truth slapped me in the face.

I had been looking to everyone else in my life to give me what I was supposed to give myself.

Because I never loved myself, the vacuum inside of me was always trying to suck it out of other people.  Instead of receiving love from other people as overflow in my life, the “icing” as it were, I was unconsciously demanding that they make up for what I did not know how to give myself.  I struggled in the quicksand of fear of betrayal, abandonment and rejection by the people I loved, because I had already betrayed, abandoned and rejected myself.  If they did so as well, I may as well be dead.

I’ve had love in vast supply and I’ve thrown it away because they couldn’t meet my needs.  Now I see that no one can ever meet the needs we are supposed to meet ourselves.  I tell my children, “Don’t ask me to do things for you that you are capable of doing for yourself.”  Mother, parent thyself.

I’m not saying I’ve homesteaded in the Land of Self-Love.  But, through this gift of awareness, I try to work the land every day, pulling weeds that sprout up and fertilizing the soil so my love for Self will grow.  Maybe someday, this work will result in a relationship of my dreams, but if it doesn’t, I know I still have me.  And, that’s the only way to love.

]]> http://www.flaimahmy.com/2010/02/25/i-love-you-to-me/feed/ 1 http://www.flaimahmy.com/2010/02/25/help-im-in-love-with-a-liar/ http://www.flaimahmy.com/2010/02/25/help-im-in-love-with-a-liar/#comments Thu, 25 Feb 2010 05:00:27 +0000 Tameka http://www.flaimahmy.com/?p=5972 This is a title that will catch most people’s attention simply because curiosity is a part of every human being.  Now, what does it mean to seek help if you feel you are in love with a liar?  How does one fall in love with said ‘liar’?  Is it the empty promises and lies that lead someone to loving this person?   What if you find out the truth, do you stop loving this person?

Let’s start by saying that when you are getting to know someone and you know that something does not feel right nor does it sound right, nine times out of ten, its probably because it is not right!

Let’s say you meet someone, most would like to refer to and call this period the ‘honeymoon phase’ because it seems as if everything this person does is so ‘cute’ and you can find no fault in them at all.  But, one thing that most could tell you about a liar is that you automatically know RIGHT AWAY that they are lying because things just do not line up correctly.
Okay, so you’re getting to know this person more and more and as you are developing this ‘wonderful’ relationship, you constantly get this nudge or bell going off in your head, but you ignore it.

One thing about the truth, no matter how much you ignore it, it doesn’t go away.  So, you keep getting this feeling that something is just not right; things just don’t add up and something is just plain out wrong.  But, you don’t want to believe the worst about your new found sweetie so you keep telling yourself that you are being paranoid and you keep ignoring that voice.
A rented lie is worst than buying the truth and paying full price!  FYI, the greatest lie you can rent is the one you loan yourself because you are the greatest believer of all things personal.

So, one week leads to two, time passes and you continue to allow this person in your life. 
Now you’re in love.  So what’s next?  I’ll tell you what.  Now you have created a monster of a relationship that is built on and sustained by lies.  An old saying goes, ‘don’t spray perfume on a pig because it still STINKS’!  The same truth applies to this situation.  When you realize that you are in a relationship with this person, hope is not lost.  You just have to have enough confidence and courage to stand up to this person and confront the lies head on.

If the person is willing to change (mind you we don’t live in a perfect world so change will NOT be immediate) then stick around.  If not, in the words of the great Ray Charles, HIT THE ROAD JACK!
What about you, are you in love with a liar?  How are you going to handle the situation?

Publications

- Gender and Job Performance: Evidence from Wall Street, with N. Jegadeesh and Yue Tang, Financial Analysts Journal, forthcoming

- Price-Based Return Comovement, co-authored with Byoung-Hyoun Hwang, Journal of Financial Economics, 2009

Working Papers

- IPOs as Lotteries: Expected Skewness and First-Day Returns, 2009

- Stock Selection Skills and Career Choice: Buy Side vs. Sell Side, with Jeff Busse and N. Jegadeesh, 2008

Achievements and Honors

- Keough Award for Excellence, 2009

- BBA Distinguished Educator Award, 2009

Professor Green holds a Ph.D. in Finance from New York University, M.A. in Economics from University of Virginia and B.S. in Economics (minor in Mathematics) from Texas A&M University.

He and his wife, Jennifer, have three children, Miriam Tigist, Nathaniel and Adam.

(Interview with Flaimahmy, February 11. 2010)

FM:  You and your wife Jennifer have two biological children.  How long did it take you to decide to adopt your oldest child and daughter Miriam, from Ethiopia, when she was one-year old?

TCG:  My wife lived in Africa for a year before we got married.  Even in our courtship we had always talked about adopting a child from Africa.  That was a part of the family plan all along.  We’re in the process to adopt again.  Hopefully in the summer sometime we’ll bring home also from Ethiopia another little girl to round things out.  Since we have two boys already we’re going to get another girl.

FM:  Were you ever concerned about bringing a black child into your home?  Were you concerned about your family, friends or even strangers?

TCG:  Yes.  We read a lot of books about transracial adoption.  We’re not so concerned for us; we’re concerned for the child, the child’s well-being and how will she feel having a different color skin from the other kids in the family.  That’s definitely something that transracial adoption kids deal with.  One of the reasons we chose Ethiopia is because there are lots of Ethiopians in Atlanta where we live; there are tens of thousands.  We have quite a few African American friends but also Ethiopian friends and that helps.  We’ve had Ethiopian babysitters.  Ideally we wanted the kids to learn the language.  The babysitters have not spoken the language to the kids as much as we had hoped but they do know some and it’s just been a nice thing.

Our daughter is still young.  She’s five and a half; she’ll be six next month.  As she grows and matures into a young woman I think there will be issues that she will have to work through.  There are things that we will not always be able to help her with.  That’s why we need help from the black community, for her to grow into a proud woman of color.

FM:  Jennifer gave birth to Nathaniel seven weeks before you went to pickup Miriam.  Did you and Jennifer ever feel overwhelmed?  Did you have to take time off from work?

TCG:  I’m a professor, which is sort of a nice flexible career, so it was helpful in that regard.  Having a kid in the first place is sort of overwhelming for the first time.  We viewed this as more like having twins; they just sort of both came at about the same time.  When you have a new little baby it is already occupying your time.  Our time was already in that mindset so it was easy to feed two kids at the same time, get two kids to go to bed at the same time, those kinds of things.  We didn’t know it any other way so it was perfectly fine.

FM:  You’ve said that you began to do Miriam’s hair out of necessity.  What was your first thought about her hair?

TCG:  Well, our first thought was maybe concern because she didn’t have very much of it at all when she came home at one year old.  She’d had some nutrition issues in Ethiopia and so she didn’t have the healthiest head of hair.  Some of the other kids in the orphanage had much thicker hair than she did.  She had some sort of  knot on the back of her head that went away, like some kind of cyst of some kind.  Hair was not a huge concern, at least not initially, except for the fact that she didn’t have very much of it.  It was more like joy when it started to grow in and become a little healthier and thicker.  It was just nice.  And, it’s like with all little babies, when it gets long enough to put in little puffs and to be able to make some parts, it  just was so exciting.  We weren’t doing it initially;  as it started to grow we would just wash it.  As it got a little longer we had a babysitter who would braid it or put it in little parts and little puffs.  I just thought it looked great.  I would come home from work and it would be in some new style and I just enjoyed that.  I liked seeing how it would look when I came home.

FM:  You have stated that learning  how to do Miriam’s hair “was far more than hygiene or looks;” it was ”a litmus test of your parenting.”  Can you elaborate?

TCG:  Well, being white parents of an African American child I think it is like a signal that we have committed to raising a black child.  Sometimes parents just feel that color does not matter and love is all that’s important.  Obviously, love is important but we all know color does matter.  And, so this is a little signal that we recognize that color does matter.  It makes for a more welcoming attitude from African American people we meet when we show that we take this as a very important part of who she is.

FM:  Very often we hear about black women being ridiculed for refusing to go swimming.  How different do you see this whole issue of black women and their hair now that you’ve had the experience of taking care of your daughter’s hair?

TCG:  Well, I mean, (laughter),  I’m sympathetic to that, so it doesn’t slow our daughter down at all in terms of whether or not she goes swimming.  It just sort of makes me sad when she does have to fix it again afterwards or wash it the next day or whatever.  We try not to let it shape who she is.  I think it’s more when she gets older and timewise when she’s the one who fixes it, then she may think twice about doing things that require her to spend more time on it, if she’s not in the mood to do that.  For right now we just let her do whatever she wants then we deal with it.  If it doesn’t look so great one afternoon then we just try to live with that.  We don’t want it to slow her down from swimming or other things like that.  It’s the same with riding a bicycle, putting the bicycle helmet on, sometimes that sort of messes it up but we just try to deal with that.

FM: The pressure for black women and girls to assimilate and straighten their hair is extremely great.  What will you say to your daughter if she asks to straighten her hair?

TCG:  Well, it’s definitely not something we’re going to suggest to her.  So, if she wants to straighten her hair, I guess we’ll…I mean I’ve thought a little bit about that…I just hope it doesn’t happen for a while.  We hope that we can find ways that she can wear her hair that seems carefree and that she feels proud of.  This pressure to fit in and look like everyone else it so strong.  Hopefully, we can help her fight those pressures.  If she does, if she really wants to do that, then that’s something  we can talk about at a later time when it arises but it is definitely not something we’re going to bring up.  It’ll just be if she pressures us to do that then we can decide what to do at that time.  Along the way we’re hoping to encourage her to love the hair the way she was born and not feel compelled to change it.  We know that’s a whole can of worms so we’re not political with hair on the other side either.  I support women’s natural hair choices but I don’t condemn women who choose to straighten their hair because I can understand their reasoning for doing that as well.

FM:  Aside from learning about “Carol’s Daughter Leave-In Conditioner for Dry Hair,” and ”Carol’s Daughter Hair Milk,” what have you truly learned about what is referred to as “kinky hair?”

TCG:  I’ve read quite a bit on different hair styles in terms of what’s considered to be “good hair” and what’s considered to be “bad” or ”"nappy hair.”  Of course, I know the idea is that  it’s all good hair and I support that view.  I think there are styles where every type of hair can be beautiful.  I just want to support that.  Whatever Miriam’s hair is, if it changes as she grows up, I just want her to feel good about finding a style that she can feel beautiful with naturally.  If she wants to do other things that are out there like extensions or color or straightening then I want to be as open and supportive as I can be.  Primarily, our goal is to make her feel good about the hair that she has and the way that it is.

I don’t know if I got your question specifically.  You asked about what have I learned about kinky hair.  I have learned about different types of hair just from reading books and reading online.  But, of course, most of what I’ve learned about is Miriam’s hair and how it responds when it’s wet or as it drys and you have to dry it out and what it does if I just wash it and let it dry versus putting things in it or what it does in twists or what it does in braids and if I make little braids or big braids, so I know her hair mostly and a little bit about other types of hair as well.

FM:  Do you believe that you and your wife have instilled in Miriam a sense of confidence and belief that she is beautiful?

TCG:  I think so.  I mean a lot of that is genetic.  Some people are born with more levels of confidence than others.  What we can do is add to that with environment and so the nurture we give her is always in those kinds of signals that she is beautiful and that we love the color of her skin and the way her hair is curly and that it’s just something that we think is beautiful.  That’s one of the reasons why we are adopting again, so that we can have someone else in the family who has the same color skin and the same type of hair just to provide some balance to our family to make it better for both of them.  That’s one of the motivations to doing that, to make that seem more normal.

FM:  Flaimahmy considers you to be a Fly Dad.  What do you think makes you a Fly Dad?

TCG:  I’m not a perfect dad; I don’t know if  I am a Fly Dad.  We both try to live intentionally and to think these things through.  We don’t always make great decisions.  Like I said, I’m not a perfect dad but I’m trying.  If I’m a Fly Dad it’s because I’m trying.

http://mirroronamerica.blogspot.com/2009/07/daddys-little-girl.html