This was evident on my recent trip to a children’s museum.  Frustration was a vibe that filled the air.  I witnessed parents getting irritated when photo opportunities were missed because kids wouldn’t cooperate.  Frustrated parents were trying to corral their kids to the next exhibit because, “we have to have time to see it all.”  I had my own bout of frustration when my son spun into a tantrum because he changed his mind about his take-home goody as the museum was closing.

What steps will lead me toward a breezier life?  Here is how I am refocusing my efforts to build up my patience foundation and leave the frustrations behind.

Choices, choices.  Nobody likes to be constantly told what to do – especially a 3-year-old.  After a morning tantrum because my son didn’t like his shirt, I was reminded by his day care assistant of a tip from Parenting 101.  Let him choose.  I may love that button-down plaid shirt and khaki shorts, but is it worth it to force my son to wear it?  On that particular day I thought I needed to be the “strong” parent, which takes me to my next point.

Pick your battles.  As parents, we always want to be right and “win” the daily struggles we face with our kids as we are their guides in life.  But, my new mantra is “you can’t win them all.”  Some things just aren’t worth fighting over, such as forcing my son to wear a shirt.  Every interaction does not need to be a lesson in the making or a reminder that I am the parent and what I say goes.  Sure, there is important stuff that I won’t compromise on, but clothing is not one of them.  My son needs to “win” sometimes to help him develop and grow.

This too shall pass.   For months now, my mornings have been filled with frustration as my son is going through the, “I don’t want you to leave me at day care” phase. Some days are better than others, but those rough ones launch the day on a less-than-happy note.  After feeling beat down by this exhausting morning process, I am remembering that this is just a phase.  All things come to an end, good and bad, and that has helped me weather this particular storm.

Stop and smell the roses.  A former co-worker constantly reminded me how fast time goes.  She has three grown sons who are all off on their own.  When I would complain about something my son did, she would emphasize how I should slow down and revel in this time of my parenting life as my son won’t want to cuddle or cling to me forever.  Living in the moment is an excellent way to let go of life’s frustrations.

Despite my efforts, frustration will bubble up and that’s ok.  I know I will be a better parent – and wife – if I can learn, little by little, to let things go.

To help my son, I decided to work on myself first.  If accidents happened, I kept my emotions in check.  My reactions were even-keeled… “It’s ok, you are still learning.”  I took the time to start making a big production again when he went in the toilet.   We pulled out the little blue “Awesome” button we had purchased as a reward.  It  had worked the first time around and once again, my son wore it as a badge of honor.

Most importantly, I let myself be happy with his progress.  I turned my perspective to the positive side by seeing the steps he was making instead of viewing this setback as a negative.  Through my “optimist” glasses I found joy in helping him learn and grow through the process.

After mere days of my new attitude my son was back on the potty and made additional steps in the next few weeks.  Now, there is no more watching the clock (or not as closely) to mark when he went last.   There is no more cleaning up messy morning pull-ups and there is no more stress of pushing him to “at least try” every two hours.

He learned how to listen to his body just as I learned how to listen to my inner optimist.   By finding my positive groove, I was able to guide my son as he navigated through this new stage in his life.

You may wonder how you can help enhance their social interactions without invoking your own personal failures.  You need a way to reach them without them totally shutting down every thought, idea, and piece of advice that you may want to share.  I have listed some tips that may make communicating with your teens much easier.

• Listen to your children. One sure way of reaching your children is to let them know that they have a voice and you are willing to hear it.  One of the most frustrating things a parent can do is not listen to their children because if you don’t listen, trust me they will find someone who does and it may not always be to your liking.  So save both yourself and your children the frustration, listen.  Listen twice as much as you speak.  That is all.

• Don’t offer advice. Hear me out.  Never offer advice because the only ones who will take it are the very people who will seek it.   To all others, it’s merely criticism.  How many people like to be criticized?  I don’t know about you but when others criticize me, it makes me clam up.  So save your breath, don’t criticize!  This will only push your children further and further away from you.  If you are listening to your children, you develop a relationship with them.  Trust me they will come to you when they want some advice.

• Integrity. Integrity and honesty are one and the same.  When your children answer the phone and someone you do not want to speak with is on the other end do you tell them to say you’re not home?  Having integrity means that even though you may not want to speak with that person, they see you politely take the phone and handle the situation in an honest way.  As hard as we try to tell them to ‘do as I say not as I do’ they will do what they see us doing.  When your children see that you have integrity, this will reinforce their trust in you and there is nothing you won’t be able to talk to them about.

Your children are the future.   You cannot change your past.  You can control your future.  Proceed with caution, but by all means, please proceed.

This tiny bundle had not only turned my life upside down but had also tapped emotions in me I had no idea even existed.  I felt tender, overwhelming love for my daughter.  However, I also felt this foreign, primitive, fierce protectiveness towards her.  The first time I experienced it my daughter was two months old.  I was walking home from the store while she slept peacefully in her stroller.   There was a man on the same side of the street walking towards us.  Although there was nothing obviously threatening about this man, I suddenly felt this huge adrenaline rush come roaring through my body.  I immediately thought, “If you touch my daughter I will hurt you!”  At that moment, I knew it was true.  I knew that at that point, I would have been capable of harming anyone who threatened my child. At the same time I was so startled by this feeling that I rushed home feeling confused and scared.   I not only didn’t know where this fierceness came from but had absolutely no control over it.  Conversely, I also felt strangely triumphant that I could protect my daughter.

Another day when my daughter was just a few months old and I was feeling particularly exhausted, a commercial came on that inflamed me.  A baby was sitting in his high chair and accidentally spilled his bowl of spaghetti dropping bright red sauce all over the kitchen floor.  The babies perfectly coiffed mother rushed over, smiled, and cleaned up the mess while cooing lovingly at her son.

I threw a pillow at the television and told my husband that THIS is one of the reasons that moms can feel so guilty about the silliest things.  We are expected to take on most childcare tasks, clean the house, cook dinner and work.  Yet, we feel guilty because sometimes we need time to ourselves.  In fact, we can feel guilty for having the simple desire to just go to the bathroom by ourselves!

I complained that society often portrays mothers as these perfect, ethereal beings who are not only perfectly dressed and styled at all times but who are also always patient and loving with their children no matter what the situation is.  Talk about pressure!  This is the dichotomy of motherhood.   On the one hand, mothers are capable of vast love, patience and fierce protectiveness towards their children.  On the other hand, those very same mothers are also capable of being frustrated and overwhelmed while silently dreaming of temporarily living somewhere by themselves with no screaming demands to be met or bottles to make.

After my second child I decided that, while I am a good mother,  there are days when I want to run away and hide.  I determined however, that I am okay with both of these sides of motherhood.  I am not going to feel guilty for being human.  I have vowed to do the best I can when I am able and to take ten minute deep breathing breaks in the bathroom when I am not.  I think accepting that I am not perfect has actually helped me be a better mom.  After all, I am not perfect and I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking they have to be either.

There are different parenting styles and techniques.  We’re definitely not perfect but lets take a look at a few ways moms and dads can bring out the best so that their children will have the best to look up to:

Moms, daughters, and fashion-  If you don’t want your tween or teen wearing skimpy barely there clothing, then moms should do their best to be modest while incorporating what’s cute, trendy, and hip.

Dads, sons, and clothes that fit-  Dads can sport off a cool belt or cool jeans that are loose but stay put around the waist.

Against excessive tatoos and piercings?  Moms and dads should display only what they would allow their child to flaunt around in public and with their friends.

Choice words and coarse language-  If you don’t want to hear bad language and swear words flowing out of your child’s mouth, most likely refraining from them yourself is the best option.  Try making up silly words to use when angry or frustrated!

Less TV and video games and more creativity!- If you want your child to read more, try reading more often in front of your child.  Doing this behind closed doors defeats the purpose.  You want your child to see you reading, writing, or using their imagination!

This is just a brief list of many ways moms and dads can be role models for their children.  Sure, there will most likely be phases and stages where parents will become uncool to our children and their friends.  Hey. it’s normal.  Being consistently positive will sink in and will  influence them later in life making them fabulous role models for others and for their future children!

Here’s to being the best role models for our children!

ROMANCE…is about the possibility of the thing.  From the time when you first meet some fine … woman… To the time you make  love to her.  From the time you first propose to her.  To the time you say I do.  When people who have been together for a long time say that the romance is dead….nuh uh……they just EXHAUSTED THE POSSIBILITIES

Recently I came across an article which to me really brought home the perspective of what true commitment means.  The husband has been seeing another woman and finally brings himself to ask his wife for a divorce, not really stating the reasons for this request.  The wife begrudgingly agrees, on the condition that they wait a month to break the news to their son who is preparing for an exam and that for the duration of this month he will carry her from the front door to the bedroom in a reenactment of their wedding day.

The husband is hesitant but agrees to the request.  Immediately he notices how distant they have become and the lack of intimacy they share.  After the discomfort and awkwardness of the first few days of this routine, the husband grows stronger.  He notices his wife has slimmed down dramatically.  He starts to have those feelings of intimacy for her once again and is actually starting to look forward to their daily ritual.

The son too has grown to anticipate his parent’s routine.  The husband has fallen back in love with his wife.  He shocks his mistress with the news that he has decided to return to his marriage.  As he comes home to build on this new found love, he finds that his wife has passed away.  She died of cancer.  He had been so consumed with his affair that he did not even realize that she was battling this disease.

That summary really doesn’t adequately express the feelings that I experienced when reading this piece.  When I got home from work, my wife and I had a discussion about the validity of the story.  We both agreed that whether the story was true or not really didn’t matter, the principles therein were enough to satisfy.  Commitment, communication and focus were my three takeaways.

In the story, the husband’s affair had been his major distraction, but the other woman could easily be late hours at work, socializing with friends,  a pet, even video games or the Internet.  What do you do with your time?  How many hours do you spend enjoying your significant other as opposed to watching TV or tweeting?

Going on my third year of marriage, I’m confident of the principles that my wife and I have established but also cautious to never become complacent.  Today many people look at marriage as just another relationship where they can just “break-up” if it isn’t working out.   What I’ve come to realize is that, regardless of how good a thing you have, it still takes a lot of work.   This is not to discourage or create a negative perception of marriage, but to emphasize that it should be a lifelong commitment.

As the story can attest to, it’s important to go back to that moment you fell in love, because honestly, you may not always feel in love with your partner.  This can be caused by self-inflicted battles or other outside forces; however, it’s something that is inevitable.  I’m not saying you will ever stop loving the person but there might come a time when you’re just not in love or “feeling” that person who made you melt with their smile.

In many cases it stems from a lack of appreciation.  Sadly, this can be caused by having too much of a good thing.  As crazy as that sounds, just hear me out.  When is the last time you thanked your loved one for that delicious meal, helping the child with homework, taking out the trash, etc.?   The reason many will say it’s been awhile, is because these are things that are and should be expected.  We all have roles in a partnership, whether we choose to honor them is a different story.  I’m not saying you should weep at your partner’s feet when she cooks, but we really have to take heed to the little things.  (Trust, as I write, I’m speaking to myself as well).

This lack of appreciation can extend into more of a systematic way of living.  There is nothing wrong with routines.  Many of us get great gratification as we anticipate Taco Tuesdays or watching The Office or Dexter at their respective times, but in order to keep the energy and excitement in any good relationship, we have to sometimes think and act outside the box.  This is when communication can become most beneficial.

Many times we talk about fighting fair, which is definitely imperative; however communication is much stronger than words.  Communication is body language, a look, a gesture.  We should learn to know when the other isn’t “in the mood” for romance.  This will without a doubt save both of you the trouble and headache this misunderstanding will cause.  Also, take hints about new behavior or patterns.  Why are you both sitting down watching TV and on your phones?   Is it that neither of you are interested in the programming or is it that something better is happening on one of your media outlets?

As usual with me, this is just food for thought which was inspired by the anonymous writer.  So rather than just think, I’ve decided to include a list of a few actions which might help as an aid to spice up that relationship:

• Have a date night – We all get preoccupied with work and family, but it’s important that the two of you just go out and enjoy one another.
• Stay creative with date night – Don’t just be satisfied that you agreed to go to the movies every third Friday of the month.  Maybe a Wednesday night trip to the city or park, I know this isn’t applicable in everyone’s situation but the key is to strive to be creative.
• Talk – As silly as this sounds, don’t just stick to the template of asking how one another’s day was, ask how they are feeling, what’s going on in their life.  You may be surprised with what you will hear.  Also, in partnerships with two talkative people, maybe take turns talking, like Tuesday night she talks and you listen and you take Wednesdays.
• Learn to appreciate what the other does for a living – This thought could not be overstated.  I guarantee you learning to appreciate and understand what the other does for a living or is passionate about will only raise your level of love and commitment for that person.  You will be better equipped to empathize when they’ve had a hard day at work or didn’t get that dream promotion because you truly will know what it means to them.
• Start over – Unfortunately, unlike a video game we can’t just hit the reset button on our relationships.  Mistakes will be made, but we have to learn to forgive.  If you’re in a situation where you can’t or refuse to get over the past then it’s inevitable that it won’t work.
• Use your discretion – During those rocky periods be careful what you share with friends and family.   You may be willing to forgive but friends and family may not.
• Stay encouraged – There is no guideline to a perfect relationship.  Couples around you may have enjoyed complete bliss their first seven years while you struggle to make it through your “honeymoon” stage.  Nevertheless, stay encouraged.  You didn’t fall in love and get married all in one day, there will be many stumbles and obstacles along the way but you got into this for the journey in the first place.
• Enjoy the journey

Calm down.  This doesn’t have to throw you into a panic.  You just have to step back, remember what it was like to be a teenager trapped in your own romantic throes and do your best to keep your cool.

A Personal Perspective

When I was 15-years-old I fell in love with an older boy who made me feel like our relationship was the only important thing in the world.   A year later we were married. Two years after that we had our first child.  We have now been together for eight years; we have two daughters and are well pass the idle fantasies of teen romance.

Is this an average experience?  Absolutely not.  Would I have gone through with such a daring approach to adult life as a child if I had some of the experience and foresight I have now?  Probably not.  While I love my family and I love the life I chose, I cannot pretend that the hardships to get here have not been extreme.   I could have never understood what I was in for when I said my vows at the tender age of 16, when I believed that all I needed was love.

This is the problem with teen romance.  For a teenage boy or girl, the act of falling for someone is an end unto itself.  They see a future because they have no concept of what that future will mean.  When your total life experience amounts to school, your parents’ home and a paper route, the entire world is an unknown.  To put another person in it is easy, because it is all a fantasy to begin with.

You, as a parent, will already know this and understand the pains and struggles that come with an adult life.  Because love is such an adult concept, it might make you skeptical about the depth of your child’s feelings.  But, believe it or not, their “love” is possibly the real thing.  The trick is showing them that the feeling you experience for one person doesn’t have to be the end of everything else.

Be Understanding

Your child is looking at this new love interest as the person they will spend the rest of their life with, because they can’t see a realistic future.  You know this, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell them so.  Suggesting that this is anything less than true love is likely to lead to them deciding you just don’t ‘get it’ and will make them upset.  It won’t cause them to step back and look at the issue in a mature manner.

Try to keep in mind how much this person means to them and remember that the emotions they are experiencing are both strong and new.  Think back to your time as a teenager with your first love and how the world seemed to revolve around them.  Your teen is now feeling the same way.  Try to support them without pushing the issue.

Be Communicative

We would all like to think that there is nothing going on but holding hands and writing each other notes in class.  But, with these new relationships come certain pressures, questions and issues.  I think we all know what it is I mean.  The more your teen feels for the person they are with, the more pressing the issue of sex will become.

How you handle this will depend on your own beliefs and priorities.  However, everyone should try to keep the lines of communication open and never threaten their teen on the issue.  Making your child feel they can’t come to you for advice, information, or just to open up means they will clam up and you will be the last to know if they are considering taking that step.

Communication and understanding go hand-in-hand.  Try to approach it rationally, calmly and with an open mind.

Set Boundaries

Sit down together as parents and discuss what will be acceptable behavior between your teen and their new boyfriend or girlfriend.  Set limits on things like where they can go for dates, what they can do, how often they can see each other and when and where they can be alone.

Then, sit down with your teen (and maybe even the other party involved) and discuss your concerns and the new limits that would make you feel more comfortable. Taking an active – but not too personal – role is a great way to keep an eye on the budding relationship between the two.

Meet the Parents

If things are getting serious, you should keep in mind that there is another family to consider.  Meeting them will give you a better idea of who this boy or girl is, how they were raised and what they might be doing.  It is also a way to get support on the decisions that will affect both children.  The worst thing that could happen is having both sides on different pages, which could lead to misunderstandings in the future.

If your child is concerned about this, you should explain that you are being supportive and think it is important to get to know more about their boyfriend or girlfriend and their family.

Be Ready for Heartbreak

As we all know, most teenage relationships eventually end.  When that happens, your teen will probably go to friends for comfort, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be there.  This will be a difficult time for them and you should be ready to offer help no matter what it is they need.  You should also be ready to let them know that this is a part of life and that things will be OK once they have time to heal.

Teens In Love

Teenagers fall in and out of love and sometimes with more genuine feeling than others.  Whatever the situation, as a parent it is your job to be there without being judgmental or overly-critical.  You might know that this is unlikely to last, but they don’t.

Besides, there are a few of us out there who have proven the odds wrong.

Why do some women feel that they have to be someone’s sloppy seconds or second best?  Now, don’t go getting upset because I called you sloppy seconds or second best.  The truth hurts because that is exactly what you are when you are the other woman.  Is it that your self-esteem and self -worth do not allow you to believe that you can be with someone who has you and only you in his heart and on his mind?

For all of you critics out there who are thinking, “Well what about all of the women who do not KNOW that they are the other woman?”  Obviously, I am not talking to or about them because they do not know and if they did, some of them would leave the man right where he stood.  On the other hand, some of them would still stay with the man hoping to make him leave his wife.  Let me be the first to say, even if he does leave his wife for you, why would you think he would not eventually do the same thing to you?

I’m a firm believer in you reap what you sow and what goes around comes right back around again.  I have lived long enough to see a LOT of things that I have done in the past, come right back to me, both good and bad.   I do not want to live a life that is full of deception, lies and half truths because I do not want that coming back to me.  Therefore, I will not get myself into a situation where these things are a constant factor.

Remember the expresssion, ‘woman’s intuition’?  We get the feeling that something isn’t quite right.  If you don’t know whether or not you are the other woman, listen to that gut feeling.  Nine times out of ten, you will be correct.  How many of you know that you are the other woman?  What are you prepared to do about it?

Then, there is a new phase.  You and your partner have to redirect some of that energy and focus on careers and perhaps children.  The question then is what you and your partner can do to keep that flame burning despite these new changes.  You need to find ways to keep it burning.  You have to invest the time and energy in keeping the relationship secure, relevant and exciting.

One thing you must always try to remember is that you are true partners in this life, not just roommates.  You are sharing a life, good and bad.  You need to be aware of what matters to the other one, what is on each other’s minds.  This comes with listening.

When you first started this journey together, you probably literally leaned over and hung on every word.  This not only showed interest, but respect for what the other felt or needed to get off  their chest.  Taking the time to listen to your partner lets them know that what they take the time to express really matters to you.  Even though, as the years add up, you may feel you have heard all of the gripes or stories before, they still want to share them with you.  This means they respect your input and you, by listening, show that their feelings matter.  Being heard and taking the time to listen translates to a feeling of mutual respect and understanding.  This keeps you close.

Keeping the flame bright is to drop the needless insecurities.  You have to be secure in the fact that this person still wants to be with you.  The more secure you are in yourself and your relationship, the more confidence you project.  When you are insecure, you show it and jealousy can creep into your relationship.  This can and will stifle any amount of desire for each other.  The confidence exuded in knowing you are wanted is sure to make you more wanted by your partner.

Besides keeping desire alive through confidence and communication, many people often point to the advantages of a date night.  While in theory date night is one obvious way to keep things spicy and hot, it isn’t practical for everyone.  If you just can’t seem to work in an official or traditional date night, remember what it is about date night that makes it such a sure fire way to keep things interesting.  It isn’t the restaurant or movie.  It certainly isn’t the dress you wear or the time doing your hair. It is time alone together—the escape from the outside world and all the responsibilities that divert your attention away from each other.  You can get those date night benefits anywhere and anytime if you are creative enough.

That time can be had in your own kitchen cooking a dinner together while the kids are outside playing or napping.  You can even find that quiet time alone walking around your land or neighborhood together.  Even a dreaded home improvement project can have the same benefits of date night if you laugh together and make it time to chat about things you have been meaning to share.  A long drive home while the kids are asleep in the back seat can be the perfect time to laugh together about an inside joke, talk about your future, or relive the special weekend away you had years ago.  This can all spark a flame by reminding each other of what it is you love about the other and also what you still have to discover about one another.  Just these stolen moments to still focus on your partner and not the kids or the bills can rekindle and remind you that you both still have so much more to talk about.

The last and very best way to keep the flame burning is to laugh together.  Make each other smile or laugh each day.  Share your stories about the ridiculous antics of a co-worker.  Keep that inside joke alive.  Let your partner in on what made you laugh about the kids that day.  Every time you smile or giggle together, you just may feel that little crackle of the flame flickering.  While spicing things up behind closed doors will always work, the result can be short lived and hollow compared to a good old- fashioned belly laugh.  That in itself can be wildly alluring.