I use the entire Mother’s Day weekend.  On Saturday, we get together for a family and friends cookout.  We make the guys grilling heroes by letting them believe cooking burgers, brats and hot dogs is really creating a stress-free atmosphere for us and the planning, shopping and preparing of side dishes pale in comparison to the meat main attractions.  Then, on Sunday, the moms go shopping in Galena, Illinois, a town with a historic main street full of unique shops.  We browse a lot, buy a little and have lunch.  We leave early and get back too late to worry about laundry, dishes or dust.  The situation is win-win for everyone.

I encourage you to try something similar this Mother’s Day weekend.  Let your kids and husband “lavish” you on Saturday and make Sunday YOUR day (or vice-versa). If you don’t enjoy shopping or there aren’t any malls or quaint shopping areas in your area, plan to do something else you enjoy.   The key is to get away and remove yourself from anything which might tempt you from your Mother’s Day Off.

What are the benefits of being a solo mom??  Well to start with, there’s no one to argue with about what’s the right or wrong way to raise your child (well, except for your extended family, teachers, friends, strangers… there’s no end to who will tell you what you are doing is wrong).  As a solo mom, you are free to make all decisions regarding the care for your child without having someone else debate your logic.

Additionally, there’s no one else for your child to go to, to undermind your authority.  No “dad said I could” or having them run and ask the other parent after you clearly said no (not to say they won’t do this at grandma’s house).

But also there are drawbacks to being a solo mom.  First, and many times most difficult to deal with is no days off, no every other weekend, or summer at dad’s house.  Having time with your friends means you’re either bringing your kid or you’re getting a babysitter.  Doctors appointments, hair salon, spa, massage all require a babysitter or to be done while your child is in school, which means missed time at work.

Secondly, there’s no one there for re-enforcements.  Sometimes as parents we need someone to back us up on things, to say “listen to your mother” or to give us a break when we’ve been helping with the homework for the past 2 hours and getting nowhere.  We all have strengths and weaknesses in life… sometimes your weakness is your child’s love.  It’s hard to help your kid fly a kite when for the past 30 years of your life, you’ve never successfully flown one and have already given up on that being in your repertoire of skills.

After dwelling on the terms solo mom and single mom for a couple days, even weeks, I came to the conclusion, it doesn’t really matter.  Being a mom is tough for all of us, single, solo, married, committed relationship or otherwise.  We all have strengths, weaknesses, moments of supreme greatness and complete and utter failures, no  matter our status.  I’ve decided the only title I need is Mom.

If I were looking in from the outside, my advice to this woman would be ‘lighten up’ or ‘your baby can adjust’ or something else equally well-meaning but completely unhelpful to this ACM.  The problem is that I’m no longer peaking into someone’s life, but have now become this, so called, All Consumed Mom I so quickly judged just a short year ago.

Now viewing this world from the inside and having become accustomed to such counsel, I’m slowly realizing what it is that so bothers me about these types of comments.  Though usually said with kindness and the deepest of best intentions, they fail to take into consideration one thing and that one thing has them miss-the-boat completely.  I know my son is adjustable and flexible.  I’m aware that my life won’t fall apart completely if he skips his nap.  What I don’t know is the consequence being a mom will have on my life.  I am daily making countless numbers of decisions that entirely affect the well-being and peace of my family. I am having to sacrifice myself, my time, my friends and my family to the urgent needs of this new person.

I’m not sure what the breaking point is, but I do know that, relationally and spiritually, bonds are being stretched to adjust.  How much will they take?  Will they break or will they hold fast?  What happens when I make a wrong judgment call?  Will those bonds be forced to take the extra tension or will I be forgiven?  For some reason, being a mom introduces all kinds of tension that is completely unexplainable to non-parents.

It’s not that I’m a control-freak (though I definitely have those tendencies) or even the first person to experience this.  It just comes down to one simple thing.  Fear.  Fear of what this baby needs and is unable to communicate; fear of what my friends need and are kept from asking; fear of what my husband needs as he is overlooked one more time for someone else.

I know that well-wishers do mean the best when they give consumed moms advice about being “less consumed.”  However, it seems to overlook the fact that the business of a mom is full-time and there are just some jobs that carry the lives and welfare of people as part of their job description.

In the future, when tempted to council your “ACM” friend, take a second and see if that’s really the area in life where she needs your help.  Maybe she does need input on how to best juggle the family schedule, but my guess is that, most likely, she just needs to hear that you’re not judging her, nor is she alone.  Remind her that you’re not going anywhere and that she’s just as important to you as she is to everyone else.

Summertime induces visions of lazy days lying on the beach, children blissfully playing in the sand and surf , building sand castles and hunting for shells. The reality, however,  isn’t always how you envisioned it.

Here are some helpful tips to make the most of your trips to the beach this summer:

The most important piece of a day at the beach equation is THE BEACH. Beaches come in all shapes and sizes. For a family it’s best to pick a “family friendly” beach. So what constitutes a “family friendly” beach??

Not too crowded — Stay away from the “well known” beaches that everyone is trying to go to, Venice Beach, CA, Huntington Beach, CA, South Beach, FL, etc. Take a little time, do a little research, and you will find wonderful beaches very close to these hot spots which will offer your family plenty of room to spread out, and the little ones room to run and play without worrying about them stepping on the young  co-ed trying to catch a quick nap.  (Note:  the more crowded beaches attract more crime; there’s nothing worse than playing with your kids in the water only to come back and find half your stuff is missing).

Low surf – Big waves can be scary for some children, causing them to cling to you the entire time. Other children have no fear and do not realize the dangers that can accompany those waves. Low surf allows your children to play comfortably in the water giving you an opportunity to enjoy being with them without constantly hovering over them, This is especially important with school-aged children who want some independence. Beaches with low surf are typically along lakes, ocean inlets, and those with a breakwater.

Easy access – Getting to the beach won’t be the hard part. At this point everyone is excited and willing to help out. It’s the going home part where this is most important. After a day at the beach everyone is tired and usually a bit cranky. If you have young children they will most likely want to be carried, and with all the stuff you brought this can make carrying a child difficult. So the shorter and more flat the trip back to the car, the better.

You’ve found the perfect family friendly beach. Next, and most important is find out the beach’s hotline number.  Call and find out if the beach is open. All public beaches are required to do tests to ensure that the water is safe for you and your little ones to play in. Nothing can take the wind out of your sails quicker than showing up at the beach only to have BEACH CLOSED signs greeting you… or even worse, missing the signs and letting your kids play in the water only to be told by another parent or lifeguard that the beach is closed.

Alright, you’ve picked the beach and ensured  that it’s safe.  Now its time for you to make sure your expectations are in check. Throw any timelines out the window. Getting ready to head to the beach can take more time than you actually spend at the beach.If you don’t live near a beach or visit one regularly, the whole experience can be very overwhelming to your child, ending your entire trip as soon as you get there. You might be tempted to try and stay, thinking your child will get over it as soon as he sees the other kids having fun. Don’t. You’re just setting yourself up for a day of tears, frustration, and resentment.

You’re better off turning around and heading to a park or another location your child will find more comfortable. I can’t tell you how many mom’s I’ve seen at the beach spending the entire day with a screaming, crying child in their arms pleading to go home while the mom attempts to show the child the wonders of the beach only to go home exasperated at the end of the day. No one had fun that day. Don’t worry, eventually your child will welcome trips to the beach. Wait for your child to be ready for the beach and until then, keep trying occasionally, but don’t force it. Before you know it, you’ll be the one dragging your child home from the beach.

Speaking of dragging your kids home… how do you get your kids to leave the beach?? Just like any other fun outing, the 10 or 5 minute warning works wonders. Give the warning before you start packing up. Otherwise you will be met with protest if you’ve packed up a toy your little one wanted to play with one last time. So really you need to plan 30 minutes out. Give the warning, let them play a little and then start packing up. If your kids are sandy and not wet, encourage them to stay out of the water, as sand brushes off more easily and your child will not be wet in the car/walk back to the car.

Once you’re at the car, you will want to have a snack available for the ride home. Most children have a hard time stopping and eating while playing at the beach, and won’t notice their grumbling little tummies until they are in the car. It makes the car ride much better if you have a granola bar and juice box handy.

While on the topic of food, lets talk a little about dinner that night. Its best to plan on either getting take-out or food delivered. A day at the beach, start to finish, is long and tiring for everyone and the last thing anyone wants to do is cook dinner or wait for it to be cooked. If you are having it delivered, order as soon as you get home and then start the baths/showers. Once everyone is clean, dinner will arrive and you can relax and enjoy the rest of your perfect beach day!