Interview with Flaimhamy, July 12, 2011

FM:  Tori, I first want to thank you so very much for allowing Flaimahmy to interview you at what must be a very difficult time for you.

FM:  Let’s start at the beginning.  Can you tell us in layman’s terms what Incompetent Cervix is?

TA:  Incompetent Cervix is when the cervix at some point flattens, so it doesn’t support the baby inside of the woman’s womb.  You don’t know you have Incompetent Cervix until you get pregnant and they find that your cervix has flattened.  So, you don’t know you have it until you know you have it.

FM:  You’ve had two pregnancies that you’ve lost to this condition, the last one you lost at twenty-one and a half weeks.  Had you heard of Incompetent Cervix before your first pregnancy?

TA:  No.

FM:  After the first pregnancy can you describe your experience?

TA:  The first pregnancy was the very first time I had ever heard of Incompetent Cervix and in my ignorance, I’m thinking, “I’m a healthy woman, I’m a strong woman, I’m fit, I workout, I exercise…why is my cervix incompetent?”   Just that word “incompetent” seemed like a failure.  It wasn’t until I went to the doctor for my regular checkup at four and a half months that they found my cervix basically needed to be closed up.  They said I had to have a cerclage.

I’d never heard of a cerclage before.  That’s the process of getting your cervix stitched.  Just the very thought of  the doctor explaining that to me was painful.    [“cervical cerclage, (cervical stitch), a surgical technique that reinforces the cervical muscle by placing sutures above the opening of the cervix to narrow the cervical canal.]  Once you have Incompetent Cervix you always have Incompetent Cervix.  For any pregnancy thereafter you have to have a cerclage.

I did everything they asked me to do the first pregnancy.  I was very naive about the whole process but was paying attention, read about the process and what Incompetent Cervix was all about…and so finally… just did not have a successful pregnancy.

FM:  Do you know with what frequency the cerclage procedure works?

TA:   In talking to my doctor, other doctors and people in the medical field, really and truly, every single woman is different.    Every case is different, everybody is different, every pregnancy is different.  I had a cerclage; it didn’t work for me.  I didn’t know until later that there are different types of cerclage.   [For example] there is a  McDonald cerclage and a Shirodkar cerclage.

I’d never heard of it until this year.  One, in case there is an emergency, they can remove [the stitches].  The other, the Shirodkar cerclage, once it’s in, it’s in and you have to have a C-section [Caesarean section], and each subsequent pregnancy will have to be a C-section with the Shirodkar cerclage.

FM:  Which procedure did you have?

TM:  I had the McDonald cerclage.  However, any pregnancy from this point forward, I will have a Shirodkar cerclage.  The thing about Incompetent Cervix, once the cervix flattens it’s giving a signal to your baby that it is time to come out.  If you have a Shirodkar cerclage there is no signal to the baby that it is time to come out.

FM:  Have you learned anything about yourself, having gone through these experiences, that you did not know previously?

TA:  I think the good thing about this time around is I’m not looking for answers.  I don’t have any questions, I’m not looking for answers.  I wrote a letter to my children and each day is different.  There are some days that are better than others.  Sometimes I wonder.  After I lost my son, I was given the news of twins, a boy and a girl.  I just felt extremely chosen, so blessed and so chosen.  And then when I lost them I kind of went into a tailspin for a minute.  It didn’t last long.  The only reason it didn’t last long was because I did my absolute best.

Once you do your very best, there’s nothing left to do.   I spent a lot of time just quiet. introspective. really understanding what I was supposed to grow from, what I needed to learn and take with me.  I’m not angry.  I have a very supportive partner.  I just feel like there are even greater blessings right around the corner.  I don’t share my sadness with people.   A lot of times people will see me and because I’m smiling and I look great, they think I’m ok.  But the day before or even an hour before I could have been balling my eyes out.  I don’t share that with people.

FM:  From where do you draw your strength?

TA:  I think that life is progression and you can’t have the good without the bad.  But, it depends on what you call bad.  I mean everything that other people look at as bad, it may not be bad. I guess the strength comes from life’s continuous forward movement.  Certainly things happen that are not so good to us and you draw from it and you learn from it and you continue.  We all have to just put one foot in front of the other, slow and steady.

I’ve been working out, just trying to get my physique back…feeling strong again.  Literally, it’s one foot in front of the other.  There are certain exercises that I could have done pre-pregnancy quite easily and certain things that I can’t do, or if I do it I’m a lot slower because I’m healing.  Some of that can be emotional for me.  I take yoga and I’ve cried in the yoga class because my body was out of practice because I was on bed rest for a while.  It was a reminder of the loss I’d just experienced.

Doing normal things that I did before, either I couldn’t do or I could push through the discomfort.  It was the starting over and it was just emotional for me.  But, I do think the fact that I was there, the tears stopped.  I was like, “Look you’re here, why are you crying?  You’re here.”

FM:  Can you offer any advice to others who may have had a similar loss, not necessarily through Incompetent Cervix, but the loss of a child through miscarriage?

TA:  [Long sigh...] For me when people say, “I’m here,” those are some of the best words I could receive.  Don’t try to explain to me what happened.  Don’t give me your religious point of view as to why.  I don’t care and I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t really care to have a bunch of phone calls.  I don’t want to talk to everybody.  If I want to talk with somebody I’ll call them.

It’s a thing that doesn’t require language to me that I’ll give to someone else should they need that, should I see that they are in a similar circumstance.   Because I’ve been through it I can honestly say I understand how you feel and be sincere.  Saying “I’m here for you,” is enough.

You look at women with children, particularly small children, and you realize… I think… they’re so lucky… my gosh, they’re so lucky.  And, then I go and watch Intervention.  There was a lady who had a ten year old.  Because she was on drugs she completely neglected the ten year old.  The little girl was crying her eyes out and she just turned her back on her.  That makes me sick.  I think, “How did she get blessed with this little girl?”  She’s abusing her and someone like me is having difficulties bearing children right now.

I have that question and then it goes away because I can’t get an answer.  It’s not for me to question God or to say how come she gets to have it and I can’t at this time.  That’s not for me to figure out.

FM:  I saw an interview where you talked about (bear with me on this pronunciation) hysterosalpingogram.

TA:  [Laughter]  I can’t say it either, I just say HSG.

FM:  Well, HSG.  [laughter]  Can you explain what that is?  [More laughter...]

TA:  That’s something I also recently found out about. That’s a process of getting your womb checked to see if there are any abnormalities or scarring,  I had that done a few weeks ago and fortunately everything looks good.  Sometimes women don’t know what’s going on.  Some women could have had an abortion when they were younger and it created some scarring and you get pregnant and wonder why you’re having problems.

If you get an HSG that can help figure out if there are any underlying problems going on with the pregnancy.  They put a dye inside the womb to check it.  It’s painless.  It’s a process that I recommend for most women prior to deciding to have children.  Get it out of the way.  In that way it will alleviate any stress for you.

FM:  I know many women have gone through and are going through what you are going through.  Do you think that you will try to get pregnant again?  And. what are your thoughts on alternative childbearing options such as surrogate mothers and possibly adoption?

TA:  I am definitely looking forward to having a pregnant belly again and having a successful pregnancy.  I’ve been pregnant; I want to have my baby.  I’m not saying I want to be pregnant again.  I want to be pregnant and GIVE BIRTH to a healthy baby.  We are working on that…and hopefully that happens..,this year…hopefully.

As to alternate suggestions on having children, is that the question?

FM:  Well, alternate childbearing options.  There is surrogate mothers and also there is adoption.  I just wanted to get your thoughts on those as well.

TA:  I don’t have any problems with that.  They’re not for me.  In fact, I’ve gotten, what’s the right word, I get kind of defensive or irritated when people who don’t understand my entire situation, who don’t have all the pieces, suggest to me surrogacy or adoption and for me it’s like, “Don’t tell me that yet,” when I haven’t done absolutely everything that I can.  For me personally, let me truly do all that I can and if all else fails then I would look at alternatives.

I want to have maybe one or two kids and then I do want to adopt.  But, I want to adopt a big kid, like seven.  I don’t think anything’s wrong with it.

FM:  We at Flaimahmy definitely consider you to be a Fly Mommy.

TA:  Aahh…thank you.

FM:  Can you tell us in your own words what makes you a Fly Mommy?

TA:  What makes me a Fly Mommy is that I continue to keep one foot in front of the other.  Life is always progression.  My faith runs so deep and I know that allthough this is an unfortunate situation for me that God has not left my side, not for a minute.  That holds me up and that keeps me encouraged.  And, while pregnant and post-pregnancy, I’m right back into kickboxing.  I want to get back into my high waist trousers and look amazing.

I think all mommies, whether they are pregnant, pre-pregnant, post-pregnant, I think you should put effort in your looks, in your presentation.  I mean it’s all about being comfortable but you know, put some effort into your presentation.  Some lipstick. Go get your hair done, some cute Havianas (flip flops) and call it a day.  [Laughter]  No, I won’t let  myself fall to pieces at all!

FM:  Hey, you already know my philosophy.  [Laughter]

TA:  Exactly.  [Laughter]

FM:  Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers?

TA:  Even though I sort of feel loneliness, I do know there are lots of women who have gone through this situation.  Just be encouraged.  I’m fortunate to be surrounded by a lot of moral support and have a good partner.  Also, this could be considered a bit controversial but choose who you procreate with wisely.  DNA is important.  Also, you don’t want to be a single parent.

Some women know the guy isnt the right person early on and still choose to get pregnant.  Use your head.  Make decisions from the neck up, not the waist down.

FM:  Well, thank you Tori!

TA:  …That was a good quote.  [Laughter]

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married, becoming a mother and being the perfect little June Cleaver to my future Ward.  Never in any of my daydreams or fantasies did I envision a 13 month journey through infertility, recurrent miscarriage and medical testing that no woman should ever be subjected to.

It all started in September of 2006.  My husband of 4 years and I decided that we had the house, the two dogs and that the next logical step was a baby.  Less than two months later, I found out I was pregnant.  Just like that.  For some it’s not that easy, for us, it was.  We were scared, shocked and completely flabbergasted.

I called the doctor and we went to our first appointment together excited to begin our journey as parents.  Sitting in the waiting room looking at the children’s table, we giggled like teenagers.  Once inside, the doctor asked me to strip and lie down on the table with those awful stirrups.  As I leaned back, she took the infamous wand out and searched for the heartbeat.  And searched.  There was a visible sac but not a noticeable heartbeat.

She shrugged it off saying that it could still be early since I was measuring 5 weeks but sent me to another office that had more advanced ultrasound machines – to be safe.

So hearts in hands, off we went.  Again I stripped.  Again I laid down feet in stirrups.  And again that wand was inserted to search for this elusive heartbeat.  Again it eluded us.  The technician was very sweet and thought she saw a faint flutter.  She assured us everything was going to be okay in a week when we were asked to come back.

The slowest week of my life went by.  When it was time to go back, my husband couldn’t get off work to come with me, so my mother came along.  And yet again with the stripping and the stirrups.  Another technician came in and behold – the heartbeat.  We were elated but the technician gave a look of concern and said she wanted to talk with my doctor before we left.

She exited the room leaving my mother and me there having silent nervous breakdowns, each of us trying to hide the panic to be strong for the other.

The 5 minutes she was gone felt like years.  When she returned she simply looked at each of us and said, “Your doctor said you can leave.”  That was it.  She left the room answering not one of our 20,000 questions since she was technically not supposed to.

I called my doctor and she congratulated me on a great heart rate of 125 BPM (beats per minute).  Immediately, I calmed, as did my mother.

It was early December, almost Christmas and I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant, due July 22^nd.  So we went to Babies R Us and daydreamed of little girl dresses and mini-man clothes for whichever I would have the following summer.

Daydreaming was the best part.  It prevented me from over-analyzing the concern in the technician’s eyes, the nagging question of why she needed to speak with the doctor before we left.

A few weeks later, the day before Christmas Eve, I was driving down a busy street in the cold, misty rain not far from my house.  I was stopped behind a car making a left when I noticed an SUV in my rear view mirror speeding toward me.  I braced for impact and when it hit, I heard the crash before I realized what happened.  When I saw her airbags had gone off and the car that was in front of me out in the intersection, I started to shake and cry.  I touched my belly as if to make sure all was right inside.

A young man  from the car in front of me got out and asked if I was okay, I said, “Yes, I think so.”

He then ran to his damaged car.  I called my husband who panicked immediately.  The ambulance and police showed up first and checked to make sure I was okay.  They marveled at how my Nissan Pathfinder was hardly touched while the other car was totaled, this in an effort to help me get my mind off of how alone I felt at that moment. When my husband showed up 10 minutes later, I was relieved.  I wanted to go home.

But both my husband and the EMT worker thought it would be better for me to go to the ER, get an ultrasound and make sure that the life inside was okay.

So I did.

We didn’t wait long before we were called into the office where the machine was.  The doctor put the gel on my stomach and there my baby was.  It looked like a baby.  We marveled at how it had doubled, tripled in size.  We laughed and giggled in our innocence.

I looked at Andrew and told him to go ahead and get the car stuff worked out.  We needed a renter for Christmas Eve.  We needed to get my mechanic to pick up our truck.  So he left.  At my urging.  We thought for sure, he’d be back in 30 minutes and I’d be able to get checked out with a clean bill of health.

The ER doctor excused himself, asked me to get dressed and wait outside.  I did.

And I waited.  And as I waited, I grew nervous.

When another doctor asked me to follow her down the hall to a more advanced ultrasound machine, I became unbearably upset. Again, the gel on my stomach.  Again the marvel until I tilted my head and noticed no blinking light.  Not a flutter.  Nothing.

When I asked why I couldn’t see the heartbeat the doctor coldly replied, “Fetal demise.  Your baby died.”

The rest of that day is a blur.  There were tears.  Phone calls.  Shaking.  Lots of shaking.  My doctor couldn’t do anything till after Christmas.  Poor timing is what she called it.  I often wonder if there ever was good timing to have a miscarriage.

Christmas was depressing.  Full of fear, sadness and the feeling that somehow my world had been a sham up until then.

After Christmas, I went in to see my doctor and it was confirmed.  My baby died a week prior to the accident.  A D&C was scheduled for the next morning.  I hung the phone up and felt like a failure.  My body failed to do the very thing it was made for.

I became depressed.  Then determined.  So the next year was spent finding a new doctor and harassing him into letting me see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. While obstetricians deliver your baby, they do not help you get pregnant.  An RE does.  And although many were telling me that I was jumping the gun, I knew inside of me that I needed to see an RE.  When I had a second miscarriage a year to the day after my first, my new doctor finally agreed that something might be wrong.

At my first meeting with the RE, I went through my story; he reviewed my files and stuck to the script. “Miscarriage is unfortunate and you’ve been unlucky.  We don’t normally see women till they’ve had 3 miscarriages” blah blah blah.  When he saw my eyes fill with tears, he agreed to take me on as a client and ordered a slew of tests on myself and my husband.

17 vials of blood later and it turned out I had a genetic blood clotting disorder called MTHFR, an acronym for a really long word.  Basically, those who carry the MTHFR gene are unable to metabolize folic acid.  This inability leads to a thickening of the blood and can cause heart attacks, strokes and recurrent miscarriage.

A week after that test result, I found out I was pregnant.  Terrified, I was prescribed a prescription of folic acid that I was told would help counter the MTHFR.

My little boy was born 3 weeks early on October 7^th, 2008.  And from the very moment I looked at him, I felt overwhelmed.  By love, by wonder, by the notion that I was his protector and guide.  I spent many hours in the hospital thanking the Lord for giving me this gift and questioning if he was really mine.

Over the past few years, I’ve lost some of my innocence and naiveté.  The wide eyed wonder of youth has been replaced by strength and knowledge.  And while my journey to become his mother was bumpy and filled with sharp turns and wrong directions, I’m eternally grateful for the entire ride.  I wouldn’t be the grown up I am without the experience I’ve had.  And I wouldn’t change it.  Not even to regain my innocence.