No, we are not talking about abortion or adoption.  We are talking about a new era of happy homemakers encouraging other mommies to raise their own kids if they can afford it.

The term “opt-out revolution” was coined in October 2003, when The New York Times published Lisa Belkin’s article “The Opt-Out Revolution.”   Belkin reported that nearly 40 years after the start of the women’s movement, women with prestigious degrees from Ivy-League universities were abandoning their careers in favor of becoming stay-at-home moms. The subject of the article has been one of the hottest topics of public debate, especially among mommy bloggers.

If you are not one of the insiders, it can be hard to get a good sense of what the mommy bloggers actually think about this issue.  So, I pulled some real (yes, real!) claims and opinions from websites featuring the most frequent contributors and media personalities in the debate and organized them in the form of an imaginary debate.  Here is the result (see disclaimer below).

Disclaimer: This is a fictitious debate.  While the individuals are real and some dialogue may be direct quotes the scenario is purely fictional.  The persons quoted below were not involved in an actual debate or interview conducted by Flaimahmy Magazine.  Their contributions have been edited for style to maintain flow.  As the remarks were taken out of their original context, the debate is best read as a semi-documentary.  All original remarks are linked to from the name preceding it.  Where there is no link, the comment is purely fictive and is added for the sake of conversational flow.

Our Contributors

Lisa Belkin is a contributing writer for New York Times Magazine, where she writes frequently about family life.  She is the author of “Life’s Work: Confessions of an Unbalanced Mom” and the mother to two teenage sons.

Leslie Bennetts is a veteran journalist and the author of the national best-seller “The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?”.  She is a long time Vanity Fair Magazine writer and the mother to two teenagers.

Jessica Gottlieb is mother, wife, controversial mommy blogger and media personality.  She has two kids, Jane and Alexander and a devoted husband.

Nataly is a co-founder of “Work It, Mom!”, to which she contributes daily posts about issues affecting working moms.  She also shares her own juggle between work and family.

Ph.D in Parenting is an entrepreneur, a mother of two children, a boy born in 2004 and a girl born in 2007.  Her husband is a stay-at-home dad.

Romi Lassally was a successful Hollywood film producer and then made the difficult decision to stay home with her kids after the birth of her second child.  She now has three children and is the author of “True Mom Confessions”.  Prior to this, she was founding editor for the Lifestyles section of The Huffington Post.

Leslie Morgan Steiner is an American author, blogger and businesswoman.  Her first published work was an autobiographical account of her teenage struggle with anorexia nervosa, published in “Seventeen” in September 1986.  She is married with three children.

Mommy Gathering

Jessica Gottlieb: … OK OK, enough small-talk.  ”What it really comes down to is this.  If a woman is so selfish she can’t stay at home with her kids, then maybe she just shouldn’t have them!”

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Wow, that’s some claim, Jessica!   “I have often thought I shouldn’t have had kids.  In fact, once or twice I’ve been tempted to rip out my uterus with my own hands.  But it’s never, ever because I don’t have time for my children.  Quite the contrary.  My worst moments are always when I’m spending TOO MUCH time with them.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  How bizarre.  ”I don’t feel that way at all.  I can’t comprehend not wanting to be with my kids.  I can’t understand not aching to be with them.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  If you want to “swing by my house to give my kids some of that nurturing you think they’re missing, honey, come on down!  Just get here quick before the neighbors’ windows shatter from my decibel levels.”

Nataly:  Is this really an issue?  ”Don’t we have enough studies showing that working and stay-at-home moms give their kids the same amount of hugs, that they spend as much time with their kids as stay-at-home moms, that kids who go to daycare benefit from it, that neither working nor staying at home is better for the mom or the kids? We all make our personal choices.  Period.”  Now, let’s have a drink.

Lisa Belkin:  I agree.  It’s not really an issue.  The study you mention, Nataly, shows that “the babies of mothers who work outside the home get just as many cuddles as of mothers who stay home, an average of 138 minutes a day, to be exact.”   There isn’t an issue here.

Nataly: ” A ridiculous thing to study,” by the way …

Jessica Gottlieb:  No kidding!   And besides, cuddling isn’t everything.

Lisa Belkin:  Of course not.  But the studies also showed that “the amount of time that babies were held, read to and talked to during the day” was the same regardless of whether both parents worked.

Ph.D in Parenting:  How did they measure that?

Lisa Belkin:  The parents kept a diary.

Jessica Gottlieb:  I wonder how working parents manage to put in the same amount of time.

Lisa Belkin:   I think they said that “working mothers who spend much of the weekday away from their infants become more efficient about creating time with the kids when they are home, and also the fathers are probably stepping up to prevent a gap.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  OK, so let’s assume the kids get the same number of hugs.  I still don’t get it.  ”I wouldn’t outsource loving my husband, why would I outsource loving my kids?”

Romi Lassally:  So, you equate “the hiring of a babysitter, or use of a daycare facility for the kids with the hiring of a surrogate — a hooker perhaps? — for [your] husband?”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Of course not.  ”I [just] can’t make sense of women who want to work outside the home, because by noon I’m pretty much ready to get my kids out of school or camp or wherever they are so that I can hug and kiss them and play with them.”

Romi Lassally:   But “working or staying home full time is not the litmus test by which we evaluate the quality of love a mother has for her kids.  There are plenty of full time moms who aren’t that loving and probably just as many working moms who love with a vengeance.”

Ph.D. in Parenting:  ”Shouldn’t there have been just as many men defending their decision to go back to work or their decision to stay home?  I think it’s ridiculous that it is still a novelty for men to stay home and that our society still assumes that a working mom = kids in daycare.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  But men usually don’t have the desire to stay at home.

Ph.D. in Parenting:  Well, “my husband is a stay-at-home dad currently.  He stayed at home with our oldest between when I went back to work and when he started preschool and he is now staying at home with our youngest and will stay with her until she goes to preschool.   But I admit it’s unusual.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  I still think that “if a woman can’t stay at home with her kids, then maybe she just shouldn’t have them!”  Why would she?

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  Jessica, if you “can judge me, I can judge [you] too.  My vote is that anyone who degrades other mothers’ choices automatically loses her parenting license.”  Hand it over, Jessica!

Jessica Gotlieb:  ”I will unapologetically say [this]; I’m staying home, and that is where I belong.”

Romi Lassally:  Jessica, the problem is that you “come out swinging against working moms and sing the praises and benefits of moms like [you] who choose to stay home.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  ”I sure don’t want the children of the future to have those sanctimonious mamacitas as role models.  Or, to paraphrase, if you can’t raise your kids to be tolerant of others’ different lifestyle choices, Jessica, then maybe you shouldn’t have had kids!”

Jessica Gottlieb:  My kids are very open-minded, thank you very much.  And Romi, I don’t come out swinging against working moms.  The other day “I said very specifically that we needed to support women who have to work.  My mother was one of them, my stepmother too.  The reality is that many women have the need to go back to work right now because of this horrendous economy.”  I am only talking about those who can afford it.

Lisa Belkin:  But most women can’t afford it.

Jessica Gottlieb:  It depends on how you look at it. “I was able to stay at home when my husband earned $11 an hour and we live in Los Angeles.  Clipping coupons and shopping at thrift stores were de rigeur.  It can be done.”

Romi Lassally:   Look, Jessica, not all of us want to stay at home.  Once my kids were in school full-time, “I really wanted to jump back into the work force . . . so I did.  And I love it!  And now that I’ve figured out a new rhythm for my life, I love it more and more every day.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Is it bad that I don’t want it all?  ”What is “it all” anyway, and why do you even want it?”

Leslie Bennett:  Well, “working mothers are, in most cases, doing the best possible thing for their children by contributing to the family income and maintaining their own financial viability.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Hmmm, “I don’t know how a marriage withstands two careers.  I’d like to know.”

Romi Lassally:  ”I work at least 40 hours week, but because The Huffington Post is a virtual company, I steal these hours whenever I can.  5:30-7:00 before the kids are awake; 8-10 after they are asleep, and so on.  I work both at the office and at home.  I love the flexibility my job offers but it’s often hard to maintain boundaries . . . as I do most of my work from my computer . . . it is always beckoning me — from my desktop to my Blackberry!  I need to keep up with cyberspace.”

Leslie Bennett:  You as well as I know “it’s not easy to be a working mom, Jessica.  All too often, mothers who work outside the home feel conflicted and apologetic about their choice, even when it’s dictated by financial necessity.  All too rarely do they receive the kind of validation and support they deserve.”  Even so, working women tend to be happier …

Nataly:  That’s right, Leslie!  And being a stay-at-home mom can be a lonely affair.  ”I had an interesting conversation recently with a mom I met through networking for Work It, Mom!  She is a successful marketing professional and her husband is a high-powered attorney.  They have two kids, ages 3 and 7.  Very early into our conversation this mom said something that made me stop and think: “I relate really well to single moms.  Yes, I have a husband, but he is never here.  He works from 7am until 9-10pm every night, and when he gets home, he is exhausted and is asleep within an hour.  On weekends he has client dinner or golf outings, and when he doesn’t, he tries to catch up on sleep.  I know he loves the kids but he works so much that he is not there for them.”

Leslie Bennett:  Sure …

Nataly [laughs]: A single married mom, that’s what she is. ” Now there’s a term I’ve not seen much in the media.  Wait, we’ll have a new mommy war soon, Single Moms vs. Single Married Moms or some other silliness.”

Leslie Bennett [smiles]: Well, “contrary to popular mythology, decades of social science research have consistently shown that working mothers are happier and less anxious than stay-at-home moms; those cliches about desperate housewives fighting depression and substance abuse turn out to contain a good deal of truth. Moreover, when full-time homemakers return to paid work outside the home, their mental and emotional health improves significantly.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Well, “here’s what I do for a living.  I take care of my kids and my husband, I play tennis and go to lunch, I tell you my stories on Whrrl, I blog about my family and sometimes overshare, I use twitter and I’ve got an app waiting for approval in the iPhone store.”

Leslie Bennett:  Of course!  It’s a full-time job to be a stay-at-home mom.  I am not saying it’s not.  ”I am talking about the boredom and lack of satisfaction” many stay-at-home mothers experience.

[Leslie takes a sip of her coffee]

Leslie Bennett:  And it’s “troubling enough when their children are young … the problem becomes acute as the kids get older … Teenagers assert their independence; husbands are busy with their careers.  At this stage in life, stay-at-home moms may find the empty nest traumatic, whereas working mothers with rewarding careers have ample opportunities for positive reinforcement outside the home.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  Right, “those first five years when my kids learned how to separate themselves from me, were intense.  There was never a moment when I thought I should have been working.  Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of moments when I wished I was working outside the home, but never did I waver in my decision to be Their Mother.  Never in those early years.”

Leslie Bennett:  And now?

Jessica Gottlieb:  ”Now that the kids are bigger, they need me a little less.  Everyone can tie their own shoes and wipe their own bottoms.  My daughter can make herself lunch and my son is on his way.  Jane crosses the street herself and, soon, will be crossing Sepulveda Boulevard without me to hold her hand.  Truth be told, from 9 to 3, I play a lot of tennis, fuss around the house and prepare elaborate dinners.:

Leslie Bennett:  So, does your family need a stay-at-home mother anymore?

Jessica Gottlieb:  ”You might say, “no”.  With the economy today, one could argue that women like me belong in the workplace.  I should be supporting our household’s bottom line”.  But I ….

Romi Lassally: … maybe you would feel guilty.  It’s only now that “I am truly comfortable with my dual role of career woman/mother.  The first time around I was tortured . . . I was wracked with guilt and couldn’t balance my roles as worker/wife/mother . . . it was a disaster.”

Leslie Bennett:  Right, “between the stress, the guilt and the sheer physical demands of juggling family and job, most of us have days when we wonder why our lives have to be so complicated.”

Jessica Gotlieb:  No, it’s not that I would feel guilty.  Maybe I would.  But that’s irrelevant.  As I said before, I’m staying home because that is where I belong.

Leslie Bennett:  If you worked, you would be healthier.

Jessica Gotlieb:  How so?  I don’t have to deal with stress. I have time to work out.  As I said, I play a lot of tennis.

Leslie Bennett:  I see.  You probably see it this way then.  ”As a working mother, you never have enough time, you often feel as if you can’t do your best at home or on the job, and you have so many other responsibilities that taking care of yourself often gets relegated to the bottom of the to-do list.  It’s hard not to envy those stay-at-home moms who seem to have time to work out and take a regular yoga class … and it seems logical to assume that full-time homemakers, having unloaded the demands of the labor force, would be healthier than all of us frazzled working moms.”

Jessica Gotlieb: Exactly!

Leslie Bennett:  ”Surprisingly, however, the opposite turns out to be the case.  Studies show that working women have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol levels, and lower weight — health benefits that prove long-lasting.  A longitudinal survey conducted over 28 years found that by age 54, women who combine multiple roles as employees, parents, and partners were significantly less likely to report ill health than women whose lives did not include all three roles.  Homemakers were the most likely to say that their health was poor.”

Ph.D in Parenting:  That is, indeed, surprising.   “My children don’t need my undivided attention 24/7, and if they did, I would never survive.  They sleep.  They spend time with other loved ones.  They occasionally even entertain themselves.  I know, I should probably be knitting them sweaters, ironing their underwear, and baking fresh bread every evening.  But I’m not.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  OK, but all this happiness and health talk is not really relevant.  What matters is what’s best for the children and the family.

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  If this debate is really about what’s best for kids, let’s ask our kids.  Not a slew of judgmental other moms.

Ph.D. in Parenting:  It’s best for kids if they get a sense of balance.  ”I want to be a role model for my children.  I want them to observe how I balance family, work, volunteering, and me time.  I want them to be proud of my accomplishments and also to learn about the importance of balance in life.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  ”Over the past 12 years, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, a fulltime working mom, a part-time working mom, and a work-at-home-crazy-hours mom.  Do my three kids care?  Can they even articulate my status in these terms?  Nope.  Not a chance.  Whether I work or not has never made my children’s top ten list. My kids care that I’m available for them, I’m happy, and my family is stable.  Sometime that means working overtime.  Sometimes it means not working at all.  Sometimes it means changing my schedule to meet their needs.  And vice versa.”

Jessica Gottlieb:  You kids wouldn’t know what’s best for them.  Just because they don’t complain …

Leslie Morgan Steiner:   Jessica, “sometimes moms’ intense need to feel good about ourselves means we stoop to denigrating other women who’ve made different choices or face harsh financial realities.  But the truth is, I haven’t found too many other people who deep down can justify condemning other moms’ parenting approaches.”

Romi Lassally:   Well, “I am in an interesting position.  I was a working mom very young, had my first child at 27, I left the work force when I was 35, and now, at 43, the mother of 3, I’m back in the saddle again.  With this unique perspective, I now see how the battle lines are drawn, and frankly see how I’ve contributed to both sides.  The biggest problem as I see it is judgment.  I admit that when first a working mom, and then a stay at home mom, I definitely harbored a mixture of feelings toward the group I WASN’T in.”

Leslie Bennett:  Yeah,” it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener on the soccer mom’s side of the fence, where stay-at-home mothers are free to devote all their time to children and home.”  But, as I already said, working women who give up the hassles of balancing job and family in favor of baking cookies and planting daffodils aren’t happier.

Nataly:  Was it easy to quit your job, Romi?

Romi Lassally:  No, “it was one of the hardest things I’ve done.  I think much of the pain I endured when deciding to quit was due to both separation and mourning.”

Nataly:  Uh-huh.

Romi Lassally:  ”I think this is something very few people openly discuss because they aren’t aware of what is going on emotionally.  Leaving my professional life at 35 — to me — although I didn’t know it at the time — felt like leaving the person I had worked so hard to become.  I couldn’t even give up the many suits hanging in my closet, despite the fact that they were WAY out of style — can you say shoulder pads? — and after 3 kids there was no way I was going to fit into them either!  I think I felt that if I gave away the suits, I was giving away the chance of ever being the working girl who would wear them again.”

Lisa Belkin:  So, was that what made you return?

Romi Lassally:  Not quite.  ”I threw myself into my full-time motherhood with a vengeance, I even became president of the PTA.  And part of me really enjoyed this time of my life.  But I would be lying if I didn’t admit to a constant undercurrent of anxiety, I felt adrift without a professional identity and really worried about the future when my kids didn’t need me as much.  I was also unfulfilled creatively.  I couldn’t live completely in the moment.”

Leslie Bennett:  Sure, “working women derive a wide range of intellectual, creative and social as well as monetary benefits from their jobs. You’d never know it from all the cultural propaganda that encourages women to sacrifice their careers, but the truth is that multiple roles in life are good for women’s psychological health.”

Romi Lassally:   Just my words.  ”I LOVE my job.  But I also LOVE my kids.  The balancing act can be hard.  I just do my best.  Arianna Huffington recently reminded me that doing what we do — as women and professionals — we will never feel caught up.  You get to the top priorities on your list BUT you will never get through the whole list.  Never. Very sound advice.”

Leslie Morgan Steiner:  Right!  I guess “the bottom line is that as long as I’m not abusing or neglecting my children, it’s not up to [you Jessica] or other parents or our government to judge how much I work.”

Romi Lassally:  Ah, the mommy wars …”No doubt, working motherhood is a complicated gig … and I think it’s the guilt and the second guessing that keeps us divided rather than united” …  Anyone want a drink?

I am grateful that snow days and school delays are no longer the center of my universe and enough to set me in a tailspin before I’ve even had my first cup of coffee.

What to do with the children?  Should I call in sick?  Do I dare to leave them alone, unsupervised, while I slog off to work?  The kids are celebrating.  NO SCHOOL, hurray! Whilst mom is frantically trying to conjure up a workable plan that won’t get her reported to children’s services or shit canned from work.

No wonder mothers get loony.  Juggling the everyday logistics of parenthood is a real juggernaut.  When things are going well, which means any day short of a catastrophe, it’s do-able but throw in a snow day, a sick kid or a flat tire and you’ve got the makings of migraine and a mother who is stretched way too thin.

I remember the cardinal rule at the babysitter’s: Do NOT EVER bring a sick child to my house.

Guilty as charged, more than once, only to be busted later in the day when the babysitter rang me at work and said, “Did you know that your daughter is sick?  You’ve got to come and get her, now.”

Of course, I always feigned innocence.  Sick, really?  No, I wasn’t aware that she had a 102 fever and was spewing Pop Tarts.  If I had stayed home from work every time one of my kids was “slightly” sick I would have been staying at home all the time, job-less and income-less.

Hell, I figured my kids were contaminated at the babysitter’s in the first place so turn about was fair play.

I am eternally grateful that the only creatures I am now responsible for are dogs, whom you let out, let in, pet, feed, water and can then ignore, if you so choose.

I loved my children when they were small, but I think I might like them a little bit more now that they can fend for themselves (usually) and don’t need me to serve as their alarm clock, chauffeur, nurse and ATM.

When you think of an unpaid job what do you think of?  Volunteer service right?  Absolutely correct.  If you think of motherhood as a volunteer service, this is a good way to view it, because when you do not receive compensation for a position, then it becomes volunteering.  What exactly are you volunteering as a mother?  You are volunteering your heart, mind, body and everything else that comes along with it.

Let’s dissect this motherhood position and why it has so many benefits, even though you are not paid for it.  Why do women all over the world have more than one child even though going through nine months of morning sickness, mood swings, uncomfortable sleeping, horrible eating habits and not having a say in how your body changes makes you feel like not having anymore?  Here are a few reasons why.

• Remember when you first held your child,  looked into his eyes and realized the sacred bond that connected you?

• What about the first time your child’s little hand touched your face?

• How about when your child was fussing; all it took was for you to hold him close and immediately he calmed down.

• Do you remember when your child smiled and lit up like a Christmas tree when you entered the room?

• How about when your child took his first step?

• What about coming home from a hard day at work only to see that your child has made you a card and it’s not even your birthday?

It is human nature to want to feel loved and appreciated.  Children have an uncommon way of doing this all the time.  Motherhood is indeed the greatest unpaid job in the world.

 

You impatiently wait a few moments before reading that exciting word, PREGNANT, on the test.  Your heart races.  Images of walking a carriage on a nice spring day start to play in your mind.  You tell your husband and you’re both thrilled to be starting your family.  But, wait.  Not so fast.  There are nine months to get through before baby arrives.  Your journey between now and then will be long and winding and filled with a ton of surprises.  What kind of surprises you ask?  Well, these are the things that surprised me when I was pregnant!

 

 

 

• Morning Sickness is not confined to the morning hours.  I was sick from dinner until the wee hours of the morning and completely devoid of heartburn and nausea during the day.  Some women are sick 24/7 and others don’t get sick at all.  It’s all individual.
• Your areolas turn into a mood ring.  As the pregnancy progresses, hormones cause a darkening of not only your nipples but your nether areas, stomach and face as well. While chloasma, the brown spots appearing on the skin, cannot be prevented, after child birth it usually fades over time.
• It’s okay to not love being pregnant.  Movies portray pregnant women as thrilled to be in the condition they are, happy and completely content.  However, not every woman wakes up every day loving the journey she’s on.  While we may fall head over heels the moment we see the positive sign on the stick, the changes that occur in our bodies can make us feel out of control and sometimes, depressed.  If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, such as uncommon sleep patterns, loss of appetite, inability to stop eating, exaggerated and uncontrollable mood swings, talk to your doctor immediately.
• It might be 40 degrees outside, but to you it’s 80. Because your blood flow increases to support your body as well as your baby’s, increased sweating is common during pregnancy.  Feeling excessively warm is not out of the ordinary for most pregnant women so dress in layers so that you can remove clothing if you become hot.  Also, having a cold bottle of water handy at all times can help keep the body cool. 
• The glow everyone talks about… might be acne. While some women are relishing the radiance that their pregnancy has given them, others are battling acne the way they did in high school.  Because pregnancy hormones increase oil production, sebaceous glands can become clogged causing cystic acne to occur.  While pregnancy acne cannot be avoided there are ways to help combat it.  Wash your face religiously in the morning and before bed with a mild, detergent-free cleanser.  Make sure your moisturizers are oil-free. Do not squeeze or pop your pimples no matter how tempting it might be.  Before using any pimple creams, talk to your doctor first.  Some ingredients in zit zappers, over the counter and prescription, are not safe for pregnant women to use.

No matter the symptoms you are experiencing, try to enjoy every moment.  Whether you’re jolly and in love with the amazing feat your body is accomplishing or cursing every second, this is the most amazing experience you will ever have.  Even if you’re frustrated, bloated and completely uncomfortable during your pregnancy, the moment the baby arrives safely in your arms, you’ll experience pure joy.

I was thrilled when Samantha finally outgrew the infant stage.  She could now walk on her own and we understood what she was trying to tell us most of the time.  I thought I had licked this parenting thing.  When my husband would tell people we were going to have more kids I would smile thinking this would only happen in his dreams.  Seeing mothers with one on the way and another in the stroller depressed me almost as much as the moms with two under the age of three.

I will be forty in less than two years.  The extra weight from my last pregnancy is still jigging above the waistband of my jeans.  I am in school earning a certificate to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  Samantha is in morning preschool and soon will be going all day.  I’m finally coming up for air.  Why would I want to start over at this stage?

Something happens when your firstborn reaches the toddler years.  It no longer seems like an eternity before your child will walk or talk.  Now you are the proud owner of a tiny person. Perhaps it’s time you gave them a sibling; I mean it wasn’t that hard the first year.  This time you will sleep when the baby sleeps.  This one will be trained to nap.  You won’t co-sleep. Maybe you can finally use that boy name you tucked away.

So, today I think that I might possibly want to be a new mom for the second time.  Sure when I start my career I will be old enough to collect social security.  I may be too fragile to pick up my grandchildren.  My jean size will never be in the single digits.  Self-doubt and lack of sleep will once again rule my life.  But, I will lie and tell myself knowing what I already know will give me an advantage because I think the benefits far outweigh the negatives. And, if I’m unable to conceive, I will exercise and finally lose that extra twenty-five pounds.

What are the benefits of being a solo mom??  Well to start with, there’s no one to argue with about what’s the right or wrong way to raise your child (well, except for your extended family, teachers, friends, strangers… there’s no end to who will tell you what you are doing is wrong).  As a solo mom, you are free to make all decisions regarding the care for your child without having someone else debate your logic.

Additionally, there’s no one else for your child to go to, to undermind your authority.  No “dad said I could” or having them run and ask the other parent after you clearly said no (not to say they won’t do this at grandma’s house).

But also there are drawbacks to being a solo mom.  First, and many times most difficult to deal with is no days off, no every other weekend, or summer at dad’s house.  Having time with your friends means you’re either bringing your kid or you’re getting a babysitter.  Doctors appointments, hair salon, spa, massage all require a babysitter or to be done while your child is in school, which means missed time at work.

Secondly, there’s no one there for re-enforcements.  Sometimes as parents we need someone to back us up on things, to say “listen to your mother” or to give us a break when we’ve been helping with the homework for the past 2 hours and getting nowhere.  We all have strengths and weaknesses in life… sometimes your weakness is your child’s love.  It’s hard to help your kid fly a kite when for the past 30 years of your life, you’ve never successfully flown one and have already given up on that being in your repertoire of skills.

After dwelling on the terms solo mom and single mom for a couple days, even weeks, I came to the conclusion, it doesn’t really matter.  Being a mom is tough for all of us, single, solo, married, committed relationship or otherwise.  We all have strengths, weaknesses, moments of supreme greatness and complete and utter failures, no  matter our status.  I’ve decided the only title I need is Mom.

When your child is young they can’t get enough of you, they stick to you like glue.  They are very content spending all day and night by your side.  Somewhere around the age of 10 yrs old parents go from being their best friend to being the fuzz or the opposition.  I really do miss that mini-me that enjoyed everything I did, didn’t mind dressing alike and spending countless hours together.  But, kids need time and space to develop into their own person.  As much as I would like to grab my daughter by the arm and tell her that she is going to play Barbie’s with me whether she likes it or not, I know that I am better off conforming to the new her and learning how to enjoy things like the Wii and Playstation.

The Centers for Disease control reports that suicide is the third leading cause of death of people aged 15 to 24 and the fourth leading cause of death for children between the ages of 10 and 14.   As much as you miss that little person who you had so much control over its important to let your child do what makes them happy (to a reasonable extent of course).  Child and parent may not see eye to eye when it comes to things like wardrobe, music and TV shows but honestly there are more important things to bump heads on, like keeping up good grades, staying away from drugs and alcohol and so on.

My daughter often tells me that I don’t let her express herself through music because I refuse to listen to anything other than “my” playlist in the car.  She can express herself all she wants with her headphones.  I may not oppose the music, but that doesn’t mean that I have to embrace it.

When you are a new parent, people always tell you that it gets easier every day but I still haven’t gotten to that point where I think, “This is easy.”  I am currently dreading the day that I have to have the birds and the bees conversation with her, which I know is RIGHT around the corner.  For the last few years I’ve just told her that boys stink and to stay far away from them.  My daughter isn’t technically a teen yet but I know that won’t work much longer, especially when she finds out that they actually smell pretty darn good.

Nowadays, I find myself repeating the same phrase my parents once told me, “Just wait until you have kids.”  Hahaha, I’ve become my mother.  I’m ok with that because I now realize that she was and still is pretty darn cool.

What I never expected was the little green-eyed monster that possessed my son the moment he found out I was dating.  I felt watched, like my son was actually Big Brother.

The few times a date actually progressed to the level of spending time with me and my son, he would turn into Mr. Demando, calling my name every few minutes. Suddenly, my son would need me for this and need me for that.  He would work himself in between my date and I wherever we were sitting.  Countless “Mom, watch!” shouts interrupted conversations.  Suddenly, my own pre-teen son was like an insecure lover.  “Who called you?  Again?!  Where are you going?  When are you going to be home?  Is that what you’re wearing?!”  He would try to tell me what my dating time limits were.

At first I was annoyed and reacted in kind.  Who was this little offspring of mine who thought he could question my private life?  Why was he acting like a little brat?! You’d think he was jealous or someth….ah ha!  He’s JEALOUS!

So I went and did some research. I discovered that it is completely normal for a son to be jealous.  And, what is jealously but categorized FEAR?

To understand his behavior, I tried to look at myself from my son’s perspective.  What my son saw was his nurturer,  provider, kisser of boo-boos and ever-available playmate become distracted, on the phone giggling, on the computer repeating “just a minute” twenty or so times.  He saw her go out dressed in fancy clothes, not shorts and a t-shirt like she used to wear all the time.  He watched her leave at dinner time instead of eat with him and stay gone until after he fell asleep.  Then, he had to meet some guy she brought home and be nice to him, too.  The guy starts spending more and more time with his mom and his mom with him.  Will his mom forget she has a son?  Would this guy take her away from him, too?  I mean, she was mine first!

I began to consider my son’s perspective about my dating life and although I had been trying to keep my dating activities private, I hadn’t been very successful and I decided to limit phone conversations and chatting until after he had gone to sleep or was away from home.

Being an “open and liberal” mother, I also chose to have an age-appropriate conversation with my son about some unavoidable facts:

• I am a single adult woman and I will date single adult men.  I need friends my own age.  When I think he needs to know more, I will tell him.
• Everyone is entitled to privacy, even mothers.   Even though everything is open for discussion, in the end, I am the parent and he is the child and that is that.
• I get two date nights each week.  The rest of the time belongs to my son.
• His opinion is extremely important to me and I will always ask for it and consider it.
• No one will ever, ever come between us.  Ever.
• No one will ever, ever make me love him less.  Ever.

So far, I think it’s working.  The last time I had a date and my son asked me, “Is that what you’re wearing?!” he asked because he thought I should change into something nicer.  He wanted me to dress to impress.  He was right.

Raising a child isn’t all about helping to bear the financial burden, it’s about being there for emotional support, building lasting memories and offering a different perspective on the world. With my child’s father, the anger that I felt wasn’t because of his lack of financial support because I earned enough to give my daughter everything she needed, although we had to forego certain things she wanted such as a pony and trips to the moon.  How do you explain to a child why they don’t have two parents like some of their classmates or the people on TV?  How do you explain why daddy or in some cases mommy isn’t around? My daughter has met her father on several occasions but she doesn’t truly “know him”. He has made a handful of attempts to get involved in her life. On one hand I want to deny him the convenience of being able to pop in and out of her life; on the other hand I do not want to deny her the opportunity to get to know her father, if only briefly.

As a single parent I often wonder if being raised in a single parent household will hinder my child from reaching her maximum potential for greatness.  I am blessed to have strong men in my family who love my daughter dearly and have gladly stepped in when it comes to male love, bonding time and support. When I have those moments of doubt, I think about all the people who have risen to greatness that were raised in nontraditional households. The greatest example being our President, Mr. Barack Obama, who was raised by a single mother and then by his grandparents.

I’m curious if later on in life when my daughter is grown up, if her father will come around wanting to make amends. It’s amazing how many celebrities were raised by one parent and have had their absent parent return later in life. That goes to show that a single parent can easily raise a well rounded and successful child, but how unfair is it that the parent who jumped ship decades ago gets to come back and bask in the joys of having a fully grown child and possibly a daughter- or son-in-law and grandchildren?

I’ve come to realize that I can’t truthfully answer those questions that have been and will be asked by my child. I can neither tear down nor build up the absent parent. All I can do is love my child twice as much and do whatever I can to minimize the hurt she may feel.

For some, breaking up amicably is so hard, as with Jon and Kate, that they need to battle their way through formal channels such as a courtroom.  Unfortunately, Jon and Kate’s story is not a unique one.  Many single mothers face the challenge of having to maintain communication with their child’s father while trying to keep the peace, myself included.  Here are some ways to keep battling to a minimum:

1. Text messaging. If you both have texting available, take advantage of it.  It is immediate enough to get your messages across right away yet distant enough that the other person won’t irk you as much.  I love sending text messages when I can’t or choose not to talk to my son’s father on the phone.  It is simple and easy and headache-free…usually.

2. Use email.  I love this simple yet efficient tool.  Most of us have access to a computer and have an email address. This really worked for me when I went to California with kiddo last summer.  His father could communicate with him using one of my email addresses and kiddo was happy writing back.

3. Telephone. Back to the classic on this one.  Sometimes, you just can’t avoid talking to your child’s father.  It needs to be done, so keep your cool while you do it.  If there is no other way to do it, just call.

Yes, these three simple tools are just that, simple.  And, no the mixed feelings don’t go away just because you use them.  However, you can deal with things a little bit easier if you put these methods into place.  Remember that your child is the most important person.  Sometimes we have to set aside our feelings to get things done for our children.  I have.  So far it has worked, though not always.  However, I’m still trying and I’m still here.

Coming up – What To Say To The Ex To Keep Battles To A Minimum