I was really just minding my business.  After a flurry of trending topics, passive-aggressive Facebook updates, disgruntled inspired blog posts and helpful hints that weren’t really that helpful, I just couldn’t help but be drawn into the fray.  People were having problems.  I didn’t want any problems.  But, everywhere I looked it was forced into my view, Valentine’s Day.

I wasn’t avoiding it for the obvious reason of not having a Valentine.  (I was actually good in that space).  No, my aversion to all things hearts and flowers was something different. Everywhere I looked I saw that when it comes to love and loving we are in a sorry state.  The dialogue was driving me insane.  It was like watching six year olds discuss Advanced Applied Economics.  Oh yeah, it’s cute for a little while.  Then it gets annoying.

In our age of the overshare it’s way too easy to see our fragility.  A steady declaration of what “real” men and women are made of and how “grown” people will do that to you, by the way, if someone is stressing how “grown” they are, that’s usually a good indication that they still have some more growing to do.  Combine that with the repeated revelations of the pagan nature of the day and it’s a bit hard to maintain that lovey dovey feeling.

Simply put, we are a mess.

Love is war.

What I was seeing were the effects of a long drawn out battle.  Post-traumatic stress played out in all its twittastic glory.  As the great Mr. Christopher Wallace prophesized so long ago, “Things done changed.”  It feels like love has been under attack for a while.  There are a lot of factors in why we engage the way we do.  We are the sum of our experiences.  We are our parents’ children.  As they stretched, redefined and basically tried to figure out what the hell love would look like for them, they also modeled it for us.  Watching their dysfunction is the foundation of our protectionist view of love today.

Also, the circumstances under which women and men choose mates are drastically different as our society has evolved.  Think about it.  We no longer have to marry because of social stigma.  A man’s social or professional status (or a woman’s for that matter) is no longer impaired by the lack of a spouse.  It’s now commonplace to see single men and women well into their 30’s and beyond.  No one has to marry for sex.  Women no longer have to marry for protection or financial security.  We see each other as easily replaced.  On paper we don’t need each other.  Depending on which talk show you watch, a woman can seemingly replace the need for a man in her life with a good job, dildo and a gun.

Seems like no one needs love.  And, that’s exactly why we do.

Dealing with this world, with this life, is not easy.  Many of us are in denial.  It’s like a cyber version of “sour grapes,” as if people think, “I can’t find good so it must not exist.”  I never trust a man or a woman who says “I don’t need anybody.”  Usually they’re the ones who need somebody the most.  It’s understandable that one doesn’t want to be defined by a relationship.  It makes sense that we want to stand on our own.  But, our independence doesn’t negate our interdependence.

Sure you can compartmentalize the various parts of yourself and parcel them out to your own team of specialists.  In fact, that’s par for the course.  One to take out the garbage.   One to clean the house.  One person to deal with our emotional needs.  One for any algebraic equations that may randomly come up.  It’s safer that way.  Instead of real connection we have interchangeable role players while we reside safely behind our walls.  And, we revel in our ability to not feel.  We take refuge behind our personal walls.  We enjoy the comfort of control.

Yet, we hate it at the same time.  Despite my seemingly pessimistic view, there’s something that fuels my disdain of this negative cloud that hovers over the day.  I am a hopeless romantic. In spite of the ugliness of love these days, I believe that it still exists.  I believe in love.  And, I’m not the only one.  Much like the over pronounced declaration that Hip Hop is Dead, saying Love Is Dead just isn’t true.  Just like good Hip Hop, it’s there.  You just have to search for it.  Part of that search means realigning how we look for it.  The cool thing about the change in the dynamics of relationships is that we are on a bit of a level playing field.  With all those other things out of the equation you can concentrate on the core of why you build a relationship in the first place.

To paraphrase Rick Pitino, Idris Alba ain’t walking through that door.  That’s ok because Beyonce isn’t either.  We are imperfect people searching for perfection. Yes, some of it is biological and out of our hands.  We are attracted to who we are attracted to.  What may be dead is our ability to take a chance.

Gentlemen, I get it.  The whole thing is maddening.  You are told to respect her as an equal, then get killed for being too sensitive and your manhood is questioned.  Ladies, I understand. These men lie like a Persian rug and then get the nerve to catch feelings when you turn their tactics on them.  However, engaging in romance and expecting to not get hurt from time to time isn’t realistic.  It’s like trying to fight a fire and not understanding that there is a chance of getting burned.  For a little while we need to quit being so calculated and so fearful of the pain that can come from genuine engagement.  A rich man told me that “Scared money don’t make none.”

But hey what do I know?  I’m just some rambling guy who was on Twitter all day.

Intimacy can often cloud judgment because emotions are intertwined in the fabric of a relationship.  If the stalker is someone you have been (or are) intimate with, then their controlling behaviors can be mistaken as being “overly romantic” or “concerned.”  The difference is whether or not you become fearful of the behaviors.  Whenever fear is incited in a relationship, trust your instincts.  This is not healthy and can be, in fact, abusive.

Last month, President Barack Obama signed a proclamation declaring January 2011 as National Stalking Awareness Month.  He writes, “I call on all Americans to learn to recognize the signs of stalking, acknowledge stalking as a serious crime, and urge those impacted not to be afraid to speak out or ask for help”.

If you have ever wondered, “Am I being stalked?” here are a few pointers that can help clarify your thoughts and direct your actions.

Some places where harassment can occur are:
• Your workplace
• Your place of worship
• Places you frequently visit such as the gym, school, or grocery store
• The internet (cyber stalking via emails or social networking sites such as Twitter or Facebook)
• Your neighborhood

Stalking can include:
• Close observation/ surveillance
• Loitering
• Sending unwanted messages via the Internet, phone, or mail
• Threatening actions/ words
• Sending unwanted “gifts”
• Behaviors that provoke fear or concern

Fear, manipulation, control and intimidation are all factors behind abusive behaviors.  Stalking is a criminal activity that can cause lasting and traumatic results; it can even lead to physical or sexual violence, loss of employment, or harm to your children.  Contact the police to see how they can help ensure your safety.  Resources are available such as protective orders, victim’s compensation, legal and medical services, and advocates.  As our President urges victims to seek help, we should take heed, trust our apprehensions, and never ignore a threat.

Read the Presidential Proclamation for National Stalking Awareness Month.

C. Joi Phillips is the Founder and President of the IRIS Initiative, an intimate partner abuse prevention organization in Marietta, GA. IRIS is an acronym for Incredible Resilience and Inner Strength. On the web at: irisinitiative.com